a heavy heart

Last final in 1.5 hours.

I am not feeling prepared at all.

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Psalm 63: 1-5

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the santuary

and beheld your power and your glory

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

---

Isaiah 61: 1, 3

The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

loved and lost

Dear God,

:(

Why oh why am I going through this again?

All the memories, the pains, the hard lessons learned -

they're all slipping away so quickly.

I can't even tell if this is originating from You.

Or not.

Help clear my head and my heart Father.

Keep me from hearing the cries of the world.

Deliver me from the desires and temptations of Man.

The world would love me to believe

that it revolves around me

I can finally see

that the world would love to captivate

a childlike heart that aches

to fill the empty space

Help me find peace with you again

though I'm holding out my sinful hands

delivered and captured again

Though I was living like an empty man

Lord please wash me

and lead me to the end

Help me focus on You.

Your beloved,

Jessica

Rick Warren Interview

This was sent to me by Auntie Olwen awhile back, but I never took the time to read it till now.

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity.

This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say: God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Waiting

Scrapped that last entry into Drafts.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint

Funny how easy it is to even forget your favorite verses sometime.

God, help me place my trust in You and to wait on You.
You did not create me to cry these tears.
Help me remember that You are a God of goodness and abundance.

Crying for You

Dear God,

I am frustrated with You
I am frustrated with myself

I am frustrated with my lack of talents and gifts
When others sing draw write dance cook study speak scrapbook knit play sports take pictures
I am left in the dark
Empty
Unsatisfied
Talentless

God I want to believe that You are a creative God
I want to believe that You have instilled passions in our hearts
I want to believe that we are each created uniquely
I always tell myself that each of us are one cracked piece of a broken mirror
Each one reflecting You in a different way
That only when we are together, united, that we serve our own purpose

Why do I feel so lackluster?
Why don't I have a creative outlet?
Why did you take away my love for drawing and singing in choir?
12 years of piano and 11 years of violin
Left behind in the shadows of my high school days

Why has it been so hard for me to worship you?

Why have I been unable to be a blessing?
Is it the Devil at work?
Or is it me - putting up personal barriers?
Why God?

Great Gatsby remains one of my favorite books
I remember referencing it a lot in my SAT and AP essays
I'd always connect it with TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass

God I want to believe that You have broken me down to NOTHINGNESS
Just so I will restore my faith in You - and hope for Your glory to come

I can't believe how many times I have thought about walking out on this Fellowship this semester
I am a stranger even to myself

Who was I created to be?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Why am I unable to even write an eloquent blog entry just to express my frustrations with You?
Why can't I dance freely to the rhythms of Your heart?
Why can't I sing so that my soul rings with Your joy and Your pain?

Why can't You just give me the motions to do in hopes that my heart will follow?

God why have You deserted my side?
You have taken away all the relationships that I've relied on in my past
All I have left is You
And yet You choose this time to leave me to test me

I know it takes time
But when are You going to appear again?

I have not felt a single drop of joy in the past six months God.
I look back onto this semester, onto this summer
Yes I see the ways You have blessed me God
But all of those blessings were so temporary
It was all me just constantly trying to remind myself of Your goodness
Telling myself to continue holding on, to hope for You, to wait for You

I am so tired God.
I am tired of searching for the answers
I am tired of looking in the wrong places and turning to the wrong people

Why won't You just reveal Yourself?
Why aren't You answering me?

Chapter Camp.
Chapter Camp was the last time that I even felt You here.
How can You expect me to serve with joy?
How can You expect leading to be life-giving
I have never felt this much pain anguish inadequacy self-doubt self-hatred failure shattered expectations brokenness burnout

My heart has hardened
My ears have shut and my eyes blinded God

Rescue me
Release me
Free me
Love me
Hold me Father

When I don't desire God

Thanks Nate Nakamura for your weekly email and this quote that really speaks truth.

Sin opposes and perverts my pursuit of God. And it perverts by making me think I am pursuing joy in God when, in fact, I am in love with His gifts" - John Piper

We need to put our desire in God again, not in the things He gives us. Only He can quench our thirst and satisfy our hunger.

Prayer this morning with the sophomore girlies and at Saturday morning prayer was so good.
I am finally beginning to treasure and find value in intentionally praying in community. Yay.

Failure, Redemption, Grace

I have failed.

I have never been so disappointed in myself before.
This semester.. just sucked. I've failed as a Unit 2 leader. I've failed as a Berkeley student. I've failed as Suitcase Clinic's Volunteer Coordinator. I've failed as a roommate, an accountability partner, a sister to my sophomore class. I've failed as a Christian.

Never before have I let myself slip this easily. Too many classes skipped. Too many times I was late to clinic. Too many times I've chosen academics over small group. Too many times have I procrastinated. Too many quiet times I have compromised.

I am broken through and through. I am worthless. I am useless.

I sit here back from my Japanese oral interview final to reflect on the semester. Whom have I influenced? Whom have I blessed? Whose needs have I met? Whom did I challenge? When have I been intentional? What fruit did I bear? Whom have I witnessed to?

Sophomore year has been a blur - amazing Chapter Camp, amazing internship in Hong Kong, Grandpa's death, a not-so-ideal birthday, Raymond's death, issues with boundaries, Laura White's death, blessed unit2 small group, failing academics, issues with apartment, bonding with sophomore class, discovering the brokenness in our leadership team, in our fellowship.

A lot of transition, a lot of doubt, a lot of insecurity. Feelings of inadequacy. Falling short. Irresponsibility. Lack of standard.

My heart has hardened.
It has been closing more and more.
It is being clouded by bitterness, envy, resentment, dissatisfaction.
I find it harder to be completely transparent. To lay it all out. To trust my brothers and sisters.

------------

But amidst all this, I am excited.
And I am HOPEFUL.
Because God has been reminding me of His promises.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.

Over and over in Genesis Bible study this semester, we learn of God's commitment to us. The way He takes responsibility for us. The way He never gives up on us. The way He doesn't completely scrap creation and start over. The way He can see long term while we are shortsighted.

We are called to step into faithfulness.
We are called to plant seeds.
And God will handle everything else.

And I am so glad. I am so glad that we don't need to do anything else. Because we just can't.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that God has established a covenant with us. I am thankful for the rainbow - a sign of His commitment to us. It's not a reminder just to us, but a reminder to Him also.

=====

"Lord, give me the grace to daily lay my life at Your feet. And Lord, don't let me try to pick it back up. Make my burdens heavy, so that they can only fall at Your feet. Help me glorify Your name by throwing all I am at Your feet!!" - mychainsaregoneiamsetfree

God, You know our hearts. You know us. You know every inch of our being, every hair, every thought we've ever had or even will have. Yet You love us the same. You love us the same.

Help me become the best that You have made me to be.

I run to You Father.

Dying to yourself

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

I don't know why I was so scared to share.
I feel so blessed that Wenting and Sarah shared and addressed a lot of the same concerns I had.

I'm trying to figure out why I even feel scared to voice my concerns at the Leaders Meeting. Why do I feel like I don't have agency in this fellowship? I think I've been humbled so much this semester - too humbled almost - where I feel like I am useless, underqualified, unblessed and stripped of gifts that God has given me. I am excited for next semester and the vision that I have for all aspects of my life - academics, unit 2 small group and suitcase clinic.

I feel really frustrated by the lack of standards and accountability with leadership. I am probably guilty of this too. Too often leaders dread going to Sunday meetings or skip it entirely without feeling guilty. Accountability relationships are not as transparent or effective because people are afraid of calling each other out. Promises and commitments are broken. I feel like our fellowship is so broken, and the leadership team has a lot to do with it.

How do we live our lives? How are our own personal relationship with God? We often think that just because we are in leadership that we are at a good point with God. While that may be true at times, we don't seek for more. It's "good enough" - or it's assumed - that we are in a good enough place with God. Nothing should come before our relationship with God. Quiet times and prayer are so essential for God to minister to us personally. How do we expect to lead others if we do not lead by example? It is ironic that it is our leadership positions that prevent us from growing with God. Yes playing with freshmen is important, figuring out details for large group, praying for others. But that does NOT substitute for quiet times and sabbath.

Being in leadership is more than our explicit duties. We have chosen, and we have BEEN chosen. God calls us and we have *responded* to be a leader. We are to be living testaments of God to those in our fellowship, but more importantly, be witnesses to those not in our fellowship and not part of the body of Christ.

I feel like there is so much more than leading - especially this year - than just ministering to my small group or my apartment. I feel like I've ministered to people outside my small group than those in it. I am not perfect, and in no way have I kept up with every part of the covenant, but I have seen the ways that God has used my identity as a "Unit 2 small group leader" to bless my non-Christian friends, the people I work with and serve at Suitcase Clinic, to my high school friends etc. It is too light a thing to just adhere to our responsibilities and follow the covenant. We are called to do so much more. The covenant is only a small part - a suggestion.

There is so much brokenness in our fellowship that I KNOW God will do amazing things next semester. It is amazing how God nudged me to talk to Wenting and Sarah Lee at the meeting, and how we were given the courage to speak up. I don't know if the words came out wrong or whether people are passing judgment on us, but I can only trust that God has given us this heart to want to see Change and Revival. I pray that we will continue to hold truth in our hearts. I pray that our spirits will be renewed daily by Him and that we will keep His vision in sight. I pray that God will empower the three of us to bring about change to our leadership team and our fellowship as a whole. And I am thankful for everyone who was there to hear us out and the people who acknowledged and thanked us for sharing - Connie, Andrew Tai, Richard, Sara Fong.

Father, You have given me so much vision for next semester. Holy Spirit, please come. Please come because I cannot carry on any of this out without You. I am so broken down. Lord You have chipped away every ounce of Pride I have. My being has disappeared. I have been crumbled into nothing. I am ready to be Your vessel, Your tool, Your light and Your Servant. All I want now is You and more of You - Your eyes, Your ears, Your heart, Your wisdom, Your grace. Consume my being and drench me Holy Spirit.

I think I finally understand what it means to lay down my own life and take up the Cross. To grow weak so that God may grow strong. For my heart to break for what breaks His heart. For everything I have - my talents, skills, gifts, knowledge, friendships, relationships, authority, wisdom, discernment, loves, vision, passions, time, communities - everything I have for His Kingdom come.

Thank You Jesus.

The 25 Traits of a Warrior

mr jaime richards is a teacher and life coach from my high school. a very wise and seasoned one. a buncha people look up to him for guidance on happiness and success. he writes a column in our local newspaper called "what it takes". i really like his dec 3rd column describing the characters of his best students.

For years, I had been studying my most successful students. I had a powerful motive. I wanted to learn what made my best kids my best kids, then use that wisdom to better raise my two daughters.

What I learned is that the most successful kids live their lives with a warrior mindset. They aren’t fighting people, though. They’re struggling with enemies common to us all: addiction, apathy, fear, greed, ignorance, jealousy, laziness, mediocrity and peer pressure.

The best, happiest, most successful students wrestle all that evil stuff. They don’t always win, but they battle longer and more bravely than their less successful peers. They fight with “weapons” they were either born with or had instilled into them.

Hard work - Patience - Willingness to do more than expected - Tenacity - Balance - Courage to make tough choices - Confidence - Personal Responsibility - Risk - Creativity with Action - Self discipline - Manners - Activity - Proactivity - Sense of humor - Ambition - Selective Fraternization - Service - Humility - Resilience - Motivation - Social skills - Leadership

---

tenacity - to keep fighting
courage to make tough choices - the easy choice is usually wrong
risk - facing your greatest fear, even if it's failure
resilience - get back up after getting knocked down
motivation - goal driven

Do I possess any of these skills? What do I need to work on?
This is who I want to become.

A grab bag of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about "character".
In light of the Haas app and reflection on the semester as we wrap up the year.
Webster defines character as "an attribute that makes up or distinguishes an individual".

I think I have struggled this semester with a lot of the "Who am I?" questions.

In high school, I was always the crazy busy and involved one of our group. Senior year was balancing Interact, volunteering, piano and badminton. My girls would let me stay on campus at lunch to catch up on homework or sneak in a nap. I didn't go out much on the weekend or even playing throughout the week. My excuse? "I'm busy."

Growing up too. It was always easy for me to identify as the "cool girl who hungout with the guys". Even in elementary school, it was really obvious to me that I would rather play wall ball/4 square/basketball than chillax on the monkey bars. Maybe friendship with guys seem easier to me because they're more laidback and low maintenanced. Chipotle runs, trip to Starbucks, just hecka downtime.

I have been hurt and backstabbed in the past by so many girls.. CG CY LW. Maybe that's why I'm more partial with guy relationships? It's been spoken loudly and clear though for me to develop relationships with my Sisters. I am excited to see where God will lead our community. I hope and pray that these will bring healing to what I've suffered from in the past. Jesus, please help us form a community where we are able to mutually edify and support each other.

---

I think God has really challenged me since coming to college about WHERE I place my identity and self-worth. I knew I poured in a lot of my heart in extracurriculars and my relationships. I took pride in my time that was utilized well. Too much pride probably. I felt more important than others. I know I took great joy in having those deep heart-to-heart convos with people. I felt instantaneously closer to them. Even if it was some short AIM convo. I would always feel bad about not being able to spend time with people because it seemed like foregoing friendships and bonding and getting closer.

God has shown me that my time is limited and finite. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. I have struggled with time management over the course of this entire semester. I've tried justifying this by small group leading and Suitcase Clinic, only to find that I don't spend much time on either activities. In fact, talking to Harry yesterday night made me realize how unperceptive I am. I take things for their surface value, without critically thinking or analyzing situations. How do you develop those traits though?

---

DJ and Peter are two people whom I admire. Sheila, Dan, Ken too. So many of the people I work with at Suitcase have such beautiful hearts. They are willing to listen, and they genuinely care for the clients. DJ and Sheila are seasoned Suitcasers. Talking with Kevin tonight too and just tracing the legacy from Andrew Kronemeyer - Sunny - Kevin - Johan - Sheila - Dan - Eulanca. This finally made me realize: God has given me this heart and placed me in this organization because of the talents and passions that He has placed in me. I need to put in more effort and more time to cultivate this. God please help me be more proactive to learn about this organization and help me develop the skills needed to carry it on.

I want to spend more time with them whether it's hitting up House or helping set up. I can't believe I was close to giving up on this organization because I felt crappy about myself - that I wasn't finding community or developing connections. I always intimidate myself or talk myself out of thinking that these people don't want to talk to me, or I'm not good enough for them.

Same with my small group. I barely spend any time with them during the week because I don't even try. I've struggled like crazy with personal barriers this semester. Barriers I put up that prevent me from enjoying God's goodness - through relationships. My insecurity with myself has hindered me from building long lasting relationships.

---

Jesus please help me translate my empathy/care/passions/desire to help others into tangible actions. Actions speak lourder than words. Lord I know You know my heart. Please just open up doors of opportunities. Give me eyes to see where You are leading me.

The book of Galatians talks a lot about faith and freedom. All you hafta do is believe to experience freedom through Christ. Help me believe Your Goodness oh Lord. Give me Your words to speak, Your eyes to see, Your heart to break. I just wanna shake it all off and shed my old self.

God help me cultivate a loving, carring and tender heart to care for others.
Open my eyes to see who and what needs care.
Please bring me healing in the ways that my heart has hardened because of RY JY WC and WL. Please soften it, mold it, break it.
Teach me how to pray for my brothers & sisters. How to care for them in intangible ways - especially through prayer. Equip me with experiences and skills.

Choosing Life

hi blog it's been awhile.

this semester has been really hard. getting stretched so much. struggling in school. questioning my passions, my gifts, my desires, my goals. humbling myself to a point where i felt hollow and empty. really relying on my community, my brothers & sisters, to lift me up in prayer.

for some reason last night, i felt life.
i felt peace. peace in the sense that it's okay to be where i'm at. it's okay to not have everything together, to have a crapload of schoolwork to catch up on. to have imperfect relationships. i had been so weighed down by my inadequacies and failed expectations that i was blind to the ways God has created me to be a blessing upon others. i am thankful for the conversations post-lg, at our unofficial frosh game night, planning sleepover, and even through aim.

i am reminded of chapter camp. isaiah 49:6.
"it is too light a thing for you to work in your unit 2 small group. i will use you to do greater things. i want to you to love on everyone around you. every person you encounter. i want you to be my messenger of peace. i want you to be a blessing to your sisters, your apartment mates, your class and your community. i want you to choose life. i just want you to be happy." (flashback dennis cole's talk at interpraise)

i want to choose freedom. during leaders meeting yesterday, mattkim defined sin not as breaking laws, but a barrier that disallows us to become who God made us to be. genesis 9:7. "as for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." freedom is not to do whatever we want, but to be able to run into God's embrace and wholeheartedly fulfill His call for me. freedom to do His work.

God thank You for instilling passion in me again. thank You for helping me feel like myself again. thank You for granting me ambition. i am tired of doing this on my own.

genesis 11:4. "come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered upon the face of the whole earth". God i don't want to run away from Your command to us. You are a God who embraces unity yet celebrates diversity. God i confess of the ways i have tried to take fate into my own hands, to try to build this tower, to try to play 'god'. please use me in my brokenness to make a name for You, to GLORIFY You.

matthew 16:21-22. "from that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 'never, Lord!' he said. 'this shall never happen to you!'"

God i confess of the ways that i have rebuked You. my longings of wanting to be a visible leader in this fellowship. God we know that we are short-sighted and that You can see the long term. God you know my heart. i lay myself at your feet. i surrender. i surrender control. i surrender the futile actions i take to try to please You. God please shatter my expectations, because You are good, and Your plans for us are good.

jeremiah 29:11. "for i know the plans i have for you. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God please give me the eyes to see what You have in store for me.

luke 22:42. "yet not my will, but yours be done." God i've been reduced to nothing. i come before you, humbly, as your servant. may Your Spirit consume my soul. may every fibre in my body move to glorify You. may my thoughts be Yours, may my heart break like Yours, may my eyes see as You do.

speak into the gaps Lord. provide what i need. help me choose life.

superdisorganizedpost

Tuesday. June 3rd, 2008. 11:25PM. Hong Kong.

Tomorrow will be my first day at work!
I will be leaving Kwai Chung MTR station at approximately 8am, and will be arriving at the American Consulate General on Garden Road at 9:30am.

The past two weeks have flown by so quickly that I haven't even had a chance to process anything at all. Lack of sleep during finals week transferred over to Chapter Camp, which then transferred to this past weekend when I crashed pretty much the entire time. And now after a 14hr flight (~9hrs sleeping, 3hrs movie, 1hr for two meals), I'm halfway across the world.

I wish I had more time to spend reflecting on a Chapter Camp post because it was so so so good. A lot of it was alone time (with God), kind of spent isolated from everyone else. I absolutely loved the passages we went through in Isaiah (40-55ish). The imagery of the majestic effortless eagle, barren wilderness/desert, leveling topography, bow/arrow and knife, idols, the Lord and I having each other's names on the palms of our hands. Powerful images. Being in the presence of nature and God's creation was absolutely breathtaking: shooting stars, the blue sky, calm oceans, sound of the waves, kayaking amongst seals/fish/dolphins, cool sand during beach volleyball, cold rocks, palm tree silhouettes, sunrise from the Way of the Cross.

I am also excited and scared at the same time for Small Group Leading. That pair of emotions pretty much describes all that I'm feeling about everything haha. I'm really happy with Unit 2; I knew it was always in my heart :). And although I don't know my co-leaders very well at the moment, I can't to see the ways that God will work to bring Olivia, Aaron, Becky and me together to foster a community next year. I am so blessed to be amongst this (mostly new) group of leaders because I know all of us have big shoes to fill after the seniors and the old leaders. Track was the first time I really led a Bible study, and I can't say it was very easy. But yay for Jamie and Mike who helped me work through it :)

Jetlag is getting the better part of me, so I am heading to bed now.
All I can say to sum up Chapter Camp was God was so so SO faithful in answering my prayers from that first day at Retreat of Silence. That last day was so good :)

a flurry of emotions

Freshman year is over.

I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Numb from the horrible Stats final. Moving out of the dorms. Regrets from not investing in Ida 6th floor. The comforts of Towle mini suites. Wesley's room. Being able to just skip down the hall to talk to friends. Showering with flipflops. Having to cook next year. Taking out the trash. No more waking up at 7:55am for 8am class. Unit3 small group. Emily as my roommate - being super chill, always always there for me at my worst moments. Swiping Haagen Dazs from Bear Market. 4am talks with Nate, the guys, Kevin Huynh, Bmun, JennSaraEunice.

There's so much going through my mind right now... how my major GPA will look like. Going home, seeing my fam, visiting Mission, Chapter Camp!!!, Hong Kong. The ways God has blessed and super grown me. The community and friends and relationships He's given me. How He has provided for a place for us to live next year. The many many things I've struggled with and learned about this year - relationships, guy/girl boundaries, drinking, judging people, IV seniors' advice: talks with Slam, DavidChau, JennChiang, JeffKwong, StephenYang.

I really need to sit down in peace and reevaluate my entire life. All those good talks with Eric this semester has evolved our relationship from just GSI/student to more of a mentor/big brother kinda figure. I really want to just sit down, figure out what I want to do with my life, and just go for it. Same with studying habits. Setting aside time to find out what works for me will take me a really long way. I just want to find something that I'm passionate about. Something that I will be able to tunnel vision, focus in on and just DO without anyone stopping me. I want to help people, interact with people, provide for my family, live comfortably, in close proximity with family and friends...

All of this started off with seeing Carmen and Jen move out yesterday. Then Sara's letter this morning, Jenn's text. Wesley's room empty. Having to go back and pack. It's just CRAZY fast how this year flew by, yet how jam packed every single day was. Small group, large group, Crossroads, cafe3 dinners, good talks, Hall Ass meetings, late nights at Beverly Cleary, learning how to play guitar, DailyCal, sitting on Sproul, laying in my bed doing nothing, bathroom talk, morning walks and talkin' to God, the Ark, Best Selling Secrets, Pat Brown's breakfast Friday mornings, my loverly psych section, chillin' with my small group, failed visits to the gym hahaha, football games, Papamingo runs, getting walked back at 5am, GBC, Suitcase Clinic, Unity Pride, Yule Ball, Collide, Discipleship, gorgeous view outside my window, door-to-door for HallAss and ASUC.

This ride has been just so indescribable. The surprises that God granted me. The opportunities and choices He's given me. The beginning of this incredible journey into become a Bride of Christ. I am so excited to see how His perfect timing and His plans for me will unfold :)

So friggin bittersweet <3

on love

Mmm. This is in regards to my last post about hating myself.
I think that God has shown me love in so many ways in just the past day.

My brother called me yesterday and asked if I was going to be around next Thursday to chaperone Richards' field trip to SF. He also told me that Camacho wanted me to visit him. That just made me smile knowing that my high school teachers remember me :) I've sent both of them a few emails here and there, but it was just nice to know I'm not forgotten.

I've been really blessed by a brother of mine (who is probably reading this right now!) just through an email. He talked about love. My QT passage today was from Isaiah 44 about idols. God has really used these two things to reveal more to me about my biggest struggles right now. I'm just gonna insert a few exerpts from his email that really struck me, and I hope that this will serve as a reminder to myself and to others who are reading this.

And because God's love is so amazing, so overwhelming, so massive, it overflows out of us when we love God, allowing us to love everything He has created. He lets us love.
Love is the greatest gift we receive from God. I think I overlook this fact. I always assume that GOD's love is His gift to us, but in fact, He also gave us the gift to love EACH OTHER. We can't comprehend unconditional love because our world is so so so broken. But as Christians, we are called to emulate Christ and love as God did.

God gives us three great gifts. Faith. Hope. Love. Love is the strongest of the three. Faith and hope last us this lifetime, but when we're in heaven, we need not have hope. We need not have faith. We're already in heaven. We no longer need faith or hope. But even then, we still need love. So of God's three greatest gifts for us, Love is the strongest of them all. It always perseveres. Love never fails.
That part just ties together the 1 Corinthians 13 verse. Love NEVER fails because we need it even when we are in Heaven.

God loves you, you should not ever, ever, ever even think of hating yourself. If you hate yourself, you're hating a creation of God. If you don't love yourself, you cannot love. In the Ten Commandments, one of the commandments is "Love thy neighbor as thyself." How can you love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.... Learn to love yourself, and then you will be able to love others, not the other way around. Do not seek love in others to find love for yourself.
I need to learn how to love myself, because God created me in a perfect way. He knit me in my mother's womb. I pray that I will learn to accept myself for who I am: as God's beloved daughter. He intentionally made me the way I am, and I am to seek the ways in which I can bless my community with the gifts He has given me.

----

I think I'm touching upon the beginning of learning how to give these feelings up to God.
I can't wait until I reach that point.. knowing that I am strong enough to just lift everything up to God and trust that He will perfect them in His own timing.

self-love?

I need to learn how to love myself. For the way that God has made me and the gifts He's given me.

I really hate myself right now.

I set really high expectations for myself and I always fall short.
I need to stop relying on others because I don't 'trust' myself.
Talking to Eric on Monday made me realized that I've never really been affirmed about anything before in my life. I'm conditioned to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. I need to not blame others and just take responsibility. I need to trust my own abilities and my instincts and judgments. I need to stand firm and be firm.

It just seems like every time I'm vulnerable it 'backfires'. GAH. I don't know.

God, I really need Your help right now :( I need to feel Your presence and Your comfort..

gaaaah

I need to stop getting super giddy every time something happens :( hahaha.

I've felt soo connected to God in the past 30hours and it's been pretty amazing. Woke up Sunday and just read the Word throughout the morning - something that I haven't done so in awhile. I missed service at the Ark, but I felt like I could just experience and see God tingling down my spine and in every fiber of my body. QTed while working on my papers throughout the night/morning yesterday. I just want more and more of Him...

I'm going to miss the view from my room on Ida's 6th floor. Granted the majority is of Cafe3 below, but I have this gorgeous view of the hills and IHouse, all against this ocean blue sky and green foliage. Just seeing the birds soar and the illumination from the sunlight makes me melt - just sitting still and appreciating God's perfect perfect creations. He is the Master Artist, the Orchestrator behind this all.

God You are sooo good :)

a wife of noble character

I am really sad that Jenn and Eunice both aren't coming to Chapter Camp :( I love how insecure I feel just at the thought of not being with them for two weeks. Spent some time thinking and reflecting on short talk with Eunice earlier. Thanks for speaking truth into me Dad.

-----
What do I see in him?
I am distracting him, and I am distracting myself.
The best thing I could do for him is give him space and time to grow.
I am still learning myself, recovering from past wounds, beginning this journey walking besides You and drawing closer to You.
I know I'm not ready God. I know that this isn't the time.
I pray that You really grow me and continue molding me.
I want to remain your precious, beautiful daughter.
Lord I want to lift up all my feelings to You.
God may I save and preserve my heart for You.
I want to wholeheartedly love You and only You.
Help me guard my heart God.
Help me save it in its entirety Lord. May I not waste it on worldly things.
God help me focus on You. Help me seek You.
Please keep my intentions pure and centered on You.
Teach me how to love him as a sister.
Help me see You.
Help me turn You every time I want to turn back to him.
-----

I'm thankful that You revealed to me some answers.
Entering dorm ministry next year, being in a position of leadership, is to become a living testament of God. That is turning to YOU for everything. Through prayer, scripture, sermons, the church, fellowship. God I'm just so excited that I will be in this position, but also scared at the same time. I know all my actions will be scrutinized, but that will hold me accountable to continue seeking after YOU and YOU only. God may You just help me transition to that as the school year winds down, as Chapter Camp and summer approach.

Lord. Please help me become a true woman of God.

from The Wife of Noble Character
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
- Proverbs 31: 25-26, 30

a wave of transitions

Tonight was crazy. This entire week has been crazy.

The message at the Ark last Sunday was by Javi (Tarango-Sho of IV La Fe). He spoke on transitions: how they are not as temporary as we think, how we should never feel comfortable, how we are to rely on God in these times for comfort and provision, how transitions are ways of exploring new sides of Jesus. His message couldn't come at a better time.

It's the last two weeks of school, which = crunchtime for everyone. I can't really describe the emotions I've felt this past week; they seem to fluctuate between sadness that the year is ending, but excitement for so many new things to come.

----------

LAST SMALL GROUP
InterVarsity has changed my life.
God has blessed me and used me in sooo many ways this year, and I have no words to express how thankful I am that He brought me into this community. I LOVE my unit3 brothers and sisters. I didn't get a chance to record for the sg appreciation video, but God has gifted us with amazinggg leaders: Andrew has this huge heart for God and community. I have seen him step out in faith to initiate conversations with strangers, with the homeless, with those who may feel excluded. Emily with this crazy genuine, down-to-earth attitude. She is so comfortable with who she is, and she's not afraid to show her quirky awesome awkwardness because she so knows that God loves her the way she is. Nathan has given me encouragement every, single, time. He has shared with me his struggles, his pain and his trials, thus opening the gateway for me to open up to him. And Sarah. Sarah Lam. She has been a ray of sunshine to our small group, our fellowship and the body of Christ. She has unconditionally poured out love for us that can only originate from one Source.

I love my small group DEARLY. I know that our community isn't perfect. And I almost like it because it's not.
I am glad that we recognize the struggles that we face as a community. I am thankful for our differences. And even though there has been tensions and divisions arising, I'm really glad that we are able to come together as a body of Christ. Our small group has such strong personalities with so much leadership potential, and I'm just so excited to see how God will work through each and every one of us as we -part our ways- next year. They have provided me with a safe space. They have been patient with me through the beginnings of my Walk. They have graciously prayed for me and answered my questions. They have reaffirmed me and provided for me. I admit that I did step away second semester, because I really felt called to build relationships with our brothers & sister in our class and other small groups.

Dinner Tuesday night at Emily's was sooo good because it was really the first time that ALL of us sat down and shared a meal. I am really glad that we got our very own 'puzzle' yearbooks :) I hope that we will continue to be present amongst each other's lives for the upcoming years. I know that things will be difficult, but we will still be THE amazing 07-08 u3 small group.


LAST HALL ASSOCIATION MEETING
Spent at Fondue Fred's just reflecting on the year. My officer corps is quite special; it takes so much dedication and heart for any Hall Ass Ex Comm to gel together and work so well together. I am amazed at how comfortable with each other. They made me feel so included last semester even when I wasn't on Ex Comm, and they have empowered and encouraged me this semester especially through Collide planning.

Brittany Murlas is an amazing woman. She brings the most positive energy. She is so incredibly supportive and encouraging while managing to keep us in check at all times. I am so thankful that she is a part of my life because I KNOW she will be doing amazing things for our community. She is the most capable and compassionate leader I've met. Ex Comm wouldn't have been able to pull off anything this semester without our awesome PA.

I really admire this bunch in our vision AND our dedication to living it up. I know that we didn't really hangout much outside of meetings and events, but Tuesday nights were never a bore. "The shitz", I love sex because... and snaps.


LAST SUITCASE CLINIC CLASS
Inspirational Suitcase alum speaker. Hilarious group presentation. The Unity secret. Crazy tons of small group pride.
It's funny how God brought me to Suitcase Clinic in the beginning of the year, but I am so sure that God has called me to serve in this community for a purpose. Christopher Peabody, a med student at UCSF, talked about the presence of Suitcase across the country. He emphasized our values and mission statement - compassion & empathy - that are lifelong skills that will empower everyone in this class to become leaders in our community. I am excited to take part in this organization for the rest of my college years in hopes of developing these skills.

I have some pretty big shoes to fill next semester as Volunteer Coordinator. DJ and Andrew just have this crazy aura around them that radiate positive energy. I am so blessed to have been in the Unity small group. I can't believe how well our small group got along - I never imagined all of us to be so chillax and friendly with each other. I know I'll definitely see everyone at Clinic a lot still next year - I can't wait!


LAST LARGE GROUP
Reminiscent slideshows. Cute song. Testimonials. Prayer.
I can't comprehend why and how tremendously the Senior class has blessed our Freshmen class. Sam's testimony on community, Wilken's testimony on faith and Slam & David Chau's testimony on reconciliation. Slam & David's testimony really touched me because it symbolized foreseeable issues that our class will have to deal with in the future. The ways they serve God are so different - Slam's renewal and reborn dedication to follow Christ, and David's "of the world" brokenness to struggle alongside everyone. It's so beautiful that they are both able to worship the same God in such distinct ways.

I feel so loved on by the seniors. I know they have been praying for us, and they have poured out love for us especially at FROC. They were patient with us and willing to be vulnerable with us. I can't say that I am super close with any of them, but I have developed this attachment and admiration for many of them through conversations (Slam, David Chau, Jen Chiang, Jeff Kwong, Stephen Yang, Joyce Lin + Tiff Yang + Osup Kwon at FROC in particular). I know they aren't perfect, but just seeing the ways that God has transformed them and taught them about Him has been mind blowing.

I pray to God asking Him to constantly remind us that we are all still part of His body, that all of us will still connected no matter where He takes us. We are the IV-CCF community, and I can't wait to see how God will use each one of the seniors to bless and glorify His Kingdom.


SMALL GROUP LEADER APPRECIATION
I am going to be honest; tonight's small group leader appreciation blew my mind. I am guilty of not having high hopes and expectations for it. God is sooo good. I am so proud of our class for putting all of this together: the planning, logistics, video, awards, food, gifts, haikus. It was THE manifestation of the Body of Christ!! I am so thankful and appreciative of everyone's collective efforts. I know each 'committee' worked really hard on their respective part of the night, and the way everything came together was beautiful. Thank you Lily for heading the idea.

The event really also sparked some worries in me...
A few weeks ago, Sarah at the Ark asked us the question "Who are you blessing in your life?". And honestly even now, I don't even know!!! I will have some pretty bigbigbig shoes to fill next year as a leader. I am excited yet afraid at the same time about where God is going to put me. I pray for trust.

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I've blogged for about 45minutes now, and it's getting late.

TRANSITIONS FOR NEXT YEAR
Becoming diligent to focus on my studies to wrap up my first year. Moving out of the dorms. Moving into apartments!! - learning how to really take care of myself and get along with to others. Going on my first 'church camp'. Going on 'vacation' without my parents. Spending down time with God and my brothers & sisters at Catalina. Reflecting on the past year and getting excited about the next - so can't wait! Living on my own without my immediate family for two months halfway around the world. Spending the entire summer without my friends. Taking on an internship - glimpsing into the real world. Taking on new leadership roles as a small group leader and volunteer coordinator.
And lastly, since the last large group about grief, beginning a healing process from my past broken (dating) relationship(s). I don't really know where anything is heading, but I pray to the Lord that He will give me the time to grieve and heal 'properly' from these major gashes and wounds.

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On a random note, I finally placed in the order for personalized dog tags. Mine is Isaiah 40:31, Derk's is Joshua 1:9. I can't wait for them to get here!

All this is pretty bittersweet. Just gotta keep in mind that each ending is just another beginning.

a cry for help

I am really angry right now.

I am disappointed myself and I feel utterly pathetic.
My sleeping schedule has been off for the past month. I've barely gone to class for the past couple weeks. I haven't attended single BA lecture for this new module. Ethnic Studies discussion for three weeks. Stats since Boat Dance. Just typing this makes me feel ashamed.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't seem to find motivation to concentrate during Crunchtime. God, please lift up my heavy heart and all the burdens along with it. I feel Satan snickering in my ear right now Father, laughing at how victorious he has been lately. God, please just deliver me from this listlessness. God, please restore diligence into my life. This is a hard prayer for me God. I'm just sick of feeling idle and useless. God, remind me why You have placed me here once again. Remind me that I am Your precious daughter God. God Your heart for us is so big, that I almost wish there was some way You would reprimand me.

God, please just help me move on from my guilt ridden self. Set my chains free. Renew my spirit and soul God, because they have been so burdened and bogged down by the weariness of this broken world. Lord I long to be pure like You. Draw me closer to You God.

God heal me from my sickness, the one developing physically and the blockade mentally in my mind that is preventing me from worshiping You through my studies. God, please just grooow me abundantly in the ways You already have this past year. God, please just rescue me..

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest
- Hillsong United, Hosanna

a meet and greet kinda lunch

Mum and Dad came up for lunch to meet Jenn, Eunice and Becky, and kind of to talk about apartment hunting. I don't know how well that turned out though.. I know my Dad means well but sometimes he doesn't come off that way. I don't know.

Today's service at the Ark was so so so good.
Worship was amazing. I was so bummed out missing Friday's large group that I was really looking forward to service today. We sang two of my favs - "We love you Jesus" and "How can I keep from singing".

Yesterday God blessed me with two distinct conversations about a relationship that I'm struggling with - one with Sonny and one with Sammy. I think that during worship, God really just spoke to me and reiterated what Sonny told me - that God really *put* those feelings in me. It's just going back to the whole lesson about Patience that I'm learning..

This post is quite fragmented.

Today, Javier came to speak about transitions and unmet expectations. The passage was from Luke 24, where Cleopas and his friend are unable to recognize Jesus even after they spent the entire day together. I'm really afraid that I am being really tunnel visioned with this relationship. I don't want to see this as the only way of satisfying the care that I feel like I'm lacking. I'm getting really angry at myself because I don't want this to steal my heart away from God or who He has planned for me. I want to only crave God's approval. I want to only hunger for God's love. But in my brokenness, in our brokenness, we continue to seek after the love of others. This imperfect love. I'm not hearing God out too well right now.. I can't tell if He is being intent that He is behind these feelings and actions, or whether I'm making it up to justify what I'm doing.

I knelt down for the first time during worship today and prayed. Prayed that I would not rely on earthly things. Prayed that God will give me direction with this relationship, give me patience and help me trust in Him that He will lead it where it goes. It's so difficult each. and. every. day. to keep my feelings in check. But that's exactly what Javi was talking about. It is only when God leads us to unknown and unexpected places - places where we are vulnerable - that we can fully and 100% trust and depend on God for everything.

I need to depend on God. I need to give these feelings to Him. I need to lift up these feelings to Him, and trust that He will speak to me and teach me how to deal with them.

--------

Nathan said in his email today:
My challenge to you is to truly believe that our God is capable of doing all things and then to begin living like it.

Are you ready to fulfill the calling that God has given us? And if so, how are you going to
fulfill that calling? Remember that we can be fishers of men anywhere we choose to serve. And remember that gift which was given to you.

I remember a few months ago at Large Group, one of the speakers posed a question: Who are you blessing? How have you been working in the community that God has put you in? I'm really afraid because I don't feel like I am a blessing to anyone.. haha. That seems emo and dumb, but I really hope that my presence is actually having an impact on people's lives. I've been praying big prayers. But again, we are so incapable of seeing the way God works in His perfect timing.

God on high stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we would always remember
You and I are made to worship
You and I are made to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
- Chris Tomlin, Made to Worship

a lesson in the making: patience

God is teaching me a very long, hard and important lesson on patience right now.

I'm always, always in a hurry to do things. To get things done. End results. Quick. Snap. At this instance. In our timing. Current gratification. I think that being patient is really appreciating God's Perfect Timing, and ultimately just *trusting* that he will do His thang. Delaying gratification. Postponing the measures of success and results by our own flawed timeline.

I think God is being especially particular about the relationships I am forming right now. He's teaching me that relationships take time to grow. They need time to be nurtured. Close and frequent contact doesn't necessarily mean deep and vulnerable.

God, I pray that I will rely on Your perfect timing, and that I will rely on Your timeline. God may you really just continue to grow this friendship/relationship we have God, without jeopardizing the bonds we established before. God, may everything just work out the way You want it to be. God, please teach me how to be patient as this friendships unfurls. Lord, may I just depend on You for Your perfect timing.

a spoiled little sister

My big brothers take such good care of me.

They walk me home at 5am in the morning.
They let me bother them. Every. single. day.
They feed me and reassure me that I'm not fat.
They watch out for me.
They make sure I do my work.
They let me rest when I need it.
They poke fun of me playfully.
And make sure I don't get upset.
They let me poke fun of them. Way too much.
They go along with all the silly things I do.
They let me get excited and giddy.
They are patient with me.
They offer to help me out.
They comfort me.
They pray for me.
They listen to me.
They reassure me through the toughest times.
They always unplug my laptop cord for me and offer to carry my books.
They let me use their cell phone charger and do homework in their desks and nap on their beds.
They go out of their way to make sure I'm comfortable: they set up the router, hook up the printer, change their laptop password, keep the window open for light and leave their doors unlocked just so I could print my paper after an all-nighter at 7am.
They take such good care of me like no one has ever done so before.

They are such a blessing and joy to have in my life. I am so thankful that You have placed them here. I thank You that Your love for me pours out like buckets through them.

God, You never fail to surprise me everyday with Your blessings. I pray that You just bless over our relationships, and that You draw us closer together as we continue to seek You, together. God, may we challenge each other, be vulnerable with each other, love on each other and pray for one another. May I be a blessing to my brothers as much as they have been a blessing to me.

Thank You God that You are moving. Please continue working :)

And now that You’re near
Everything is different
Everything’s so different, Lord
I know I’m not the same
My life You’ve changed
I want to be with You
I want to be with You
- Hillsong United, Now that You're Near

the darkest season

of my life. Right now. Right here.

I want to hunger for something deeper.
I want to lifted from our brokenness, and set to fly on wings like eagles. I want to run and not grow weary. I want to walk and not be faint. Holy Spirit, please descend upon me and consume me.

I am really angry with myself right now. I feel so isolated and alone. I think this is God's way of telling me that I cannot and should not rely on anyone else besides Him. I realize that He is working in my relationships and friendships, but all of us are still human. We are sooo broken that we can't count on each other 100% of the time. We hurt each other (intentionally or not). We are incapable of showing true, perfect love like the way God loves us. God, please reveal to me how I can seek You and serve You. I am so tired of putting up this front with the world. I am sick of failure, pain, fear and rejection. God, please just feed me Your Living Water. Please envelop me in Your Light.

God please shine Your Light on me, so that I can shine it on others.
Please allow me to bless those in my life through Your presence and Your works.

Dad, continue to mold me through these trials and sufferings. For I know that I need to be weak for me to be strong.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
- Matt Redman, "You Never Let Go"

the true source

God, I am really frustrated right now. But I think I know what You're trying to tell me.

I have been overflowing with joy for the past two weeks. I feel like my source of happiness was from the community that You've placed around me. But like Sara's message at the Ark today, we should not be relying on the church, or anyone else. We are to emulate You, Jesus. Cause God, only You are our source of comfort and strength. I know that I prayed and relied and called on You and fed off your Word when I "needed" it during midterms week. I feel like You are calling me to distance myself from the guys I've been hanging out with lately and really returning to You. I need to revive and renew my prayer life, and take more time out to read your Word.

God, may You just be my source of hope and joy. God I thank You for providing me with a ton of community and fellowship for the past few weeks. God I pray that I seek You, and You only.

grief & healing

Mmm. I love being home.
But even amidst the peace and quiet and comfort, I'm not really sure how to blog this.

Yesterday's Large Group in Wurster was...really good. Probably the heaviest of the school year. Kyle spoke on grief. A lot of it was encouraging us to grieve and trusting God when we do grieve. There were candles set up on the balcony to the side. Carol encouraged us to light them during Reflection as a symbol of acknowledgement that everything isn't all right, that we're okay with it, and that God would be able to shine through the darkness.

I think the message finally struck me and sunk in at the end, when he mentioned things from the past year that we could grieve for - break-ups, broken friendships, expectations that have fallen short. I felt a slight tug at my heart when worship began, and I proceeded up the balcony to light a candle. And then I just sat down, hugged my knees, and cried. I don't think there was a particular reason.. but there was something very healing about sitting there, sobbing and letting those tears flow down my cheeks. Katrina gave me a hug. It just felt really good staying up there for the rest of worship - a really good set with You never let go, Surrender, Blessed be Your name. It was nice just detaching myself from people, but still feeling a part of what was happening.

It was really encouraging to hear Sara share about how God had been working at FROC to begin her process of healing. I think I felt something similar to that.. I grabbed Sars afterwards, sat in a little 'cave' and just talked and prayed. I think that I fall short of the expectations placed on me, or those I place on myself. I feel like I always have to be happy, always the one to start the conversations, always the one to entertain. I'm really hard on myself when I'm sad or down - I feel really dumb because I still feel so crappy despite all of God's blessings and gifts. That just shows the brokenness or our world and inability to even comprehend God's grace and love for us.

My biggest realization from last night - I don't think I healed properly after the breakup with Wes. Sars phrased it so well - I sought temporary relief by "shoving it under the rug". I kept telling myself that I was not going to dwell on it, that I didn't need to be in a relationship, that I needed to move on quickly. This 'improper healing' has manifested with my recent struggle with boys and brother/sister relationships. Sooo many people are praying for me about this (Sars, Jenn, Sara, Vivian, Will, Sonny, Zhong) though, so I just have to be faithful in trusting God.

Sars said that she knows I'll be okay in the end. I know I will be okay in the end. God is just putting me through trials in order for me to grow. I need to continuously remind myself that God is still molding me for my future boyfriend/husband. I need to be patient. I need to wait on God to provide the right time and the right person. I need to trust that He is growing and transforming me to become a faithful daughter in Christ.

an abundance of sunshine

I am starting to get obsessive about this blog. Heehee.

Suitcase results came in late last night. :)!
General Clinic:
Clinic Coord- Eulanca
Volunteer Coord- Sona and Jessica
Dental- Austin
Footwashing- Emily and Kimmy
Hair- Edward
SHARE- Galiana
COCA- Garrett and Ken

The dynamics of Suitcase will be different next semester with so many new officers, but I am sooo excited and blessed to be working with this group. Sona and I are not incredibly close [yet], but I'm confident that we'll make a good tag team. I hope we can live up to the amazing work that DJ and Andrew have done for the position this year. I'm really looking forward to everyone in our Unity small group this semester to really step up to these leadership roles.

And of course, I can't wait till Boat Dance tonight!!! I've been excited about this for so long: getting ready with the 2520 seniors, pictures, everyone lookin' fly, dancing the night away, playing with my IV frosh and planning a surprise with the BC kids ;) Talking about this has given me something to look forward to and smile about amidst my bleak academics for the past few weeks.

It also happens to be a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous day today. Thanks for putting all of this together Dad :)

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
- Chris Tomlin, "How Can I Keep from Singing?"

a half-hour deliberation

Today was the Suitcase Clinic elections.
Today was also David Chau's birthday!

It's funny because elections were originally held in Dwinelle, but Admin changed it to Ida Sproul lounge. The entire thing took 4hours. Volunteer Coordinator discussion took a full 30mins. Andy, Sona, Summer and I just chilled in the lobby and chatted. I really like our group! I know that all of us are really tight and we'd all continue volunteering.

I'm really anxious for some reason. And I was really nervous for the speech.
I think it was hard for me to really convey my heart for the underprivileged without really mentioning how all of us are equal in God's eyes and that all of us should fellowship with one another. I'll probably be really disappointed and sad if I didn't get VC, but I just hafta keep remembering that God has everythang planned for me.

I'm really surprised that even amidst all this stress - I am sooo full of joy. It's been like this for an entire semester. I can't wait until Boat Dance tomorrow to play with the IV kids, and this weekend to just chillax at home. I'm really worried about Collide and people showing because it's in competition with Boat Dance. The lighting should be absolutely breathtaking though; surprises every hour, a LASER, fog machines, flood lights. [M]ovement and truelement performances. Dance battle.

Boat Dance is going to be sooo amazing tomorrow. Ya'lls are going to see a completely different side of me ;) I don't know when we're going to hear about election results. I need to pray hard about it so I won't be disappointed if things don't turn out as I had planned.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW!

Be the change that you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

a million and one things

I thought I'd feel this huuuge rush of relief after finishing all my midterms last Thursday, but that didn't happen.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past week or so. My usual bedtime is around 1am if I have to get up for 8am class, but I've been pushing that back later and later. I feel so listless all the time now, almost to the point where it's uncharacteristically me. There's just so much going on right now: apartment hunting, internship paperwork, suitcase elections, boat dance, u3's collide, tying up loose ends of the semester. I still don't know what major I am. I don't know what classes I'm going to take next semester. I don't know where I'm going to live.

I think God is really trying to teach me to trust in Him.
Instead of planning out every hour of my day. Instead of reaching for my planner (whom I refer affectionately to as 'Bessy') every few minutes. Instead of figuring out what I'm going to wear every morning the night before. Part of letting go is really just handing over the steering wheel to God. My life is so much of a routine that I haven't been exploring new sides of God. This just reechoes Erina's message from our first large group of this year: we are to be open to God's surprises. He has been so faithful in answering my prayers in His wonderful, unexpected and perfect timing. He has also been blessing me with amazing insight through many good conversations lately - Steph Yee, David Chau, Jeff Kwong & Stephen Yang, Andrew Hao, Joanne & Vivian, my accountability sisters.

Amidst all this 'stress', God has filled me up with nothing but Joy. I'm in the midst of an amazing two-week span. Last Friday was Alumni LG. Saturday was Freshmen Scavenger Hunt. Sunday was shopping in SF with my favorites. Boat Dance is coming up Thursday, Collide is next Friday. I really pray that God will provide me with lots of rest and patience to bare through the grunt academics final weeks of the semester.

Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord I have come ready for Your touch
It's all for you
It's all for you
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
- Starfield, "All for you"

a new beginning

I was going to wait until my summer trip to Hong Kong to create this, but I couldn't wait. It's been a really long time since I journaled online. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do with this blog yet. We'll just have to wait and see where it takes me :)