Failure, Redemption, Grace

I have failed.

I have never been so disappointed in myself before.
This semester.. just sucked. I've failed as a Unit 2 leader. I've failed as a Berkeley student. I've failed as Suitcase Clinic's Volunteer Coordinator. I've failed as a roommate, an accountability partner, a sister to my sophomore class. I've failed as a Christian.

Never before have I let myself slip this easily. Too many classes skipped. Too many times I was late to clinic. Too many times I've chosen academics over small group. Too many times have I procrastinated. Too many quiet times I have compromised.

I am broken through and through. I am worthless. I am useless.

I sit here back from my Japanese oral interview final to reflect on the semester. Whom have I influenced? Whom have I blessed? Whose needs have I met? Whom did I challenge? When have I been intentional? What fruit did I bear? Whom have I witnessed to?

Sophomore year has been a blur - amazing Chapter Camp, amazing internship in Hong Kong, Grandpa's death, a not-so-ideal birthday, Raymond's death, issues with boundaries, Laura White's death, blessed unit2 small group, failing academics, issues with apartment, bonding with sophomore class, discovering the brokenness in our leadership team, in our fellowship.

A lot of transition, a lot of doubt, a lot of insecurity. Feelings of inadequacy. Falling short. Irresponsibility. Lack of standard.

My heart has hardened.
It has been closing more and more.
It is being clouded by bitterness, envy, resentment, dissatisfaction.
I find it harder to be completely transparent. To lay it all out. To trust my brothers and sisters.

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But amidst all this, I am excited.
And I am HOPEFUL.
Because God has been reminding me of His promises.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.

Over and over in Genesis Bible study this semester, we learn of God's commitment to us. The way He takes responsibility for us. The way He never gives up on us. The way He doesn't completely scrap creation and start over. The way He can see long term while we are shortsighted.

We are called to step into faithfulness.
We are called to plant seeds.
And God will handle everything else.

And I am so glad. I am so glad that we don't need to do anything else. Because we just can't.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that God has established a covenant with us. I am thankful for the rainbow - a sign of His commitment to us. It's not a reminder just to us, but a reminder to Him also.

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"Lord, give me the grace to daily lay my life at Your feet. And Lord, don't let me try to pick it back up. Make my burdens heavy, so that they can only fall at Your feet. Help me glorify Your name by throwing all I am at Your feet!!" - mychainsaregoneiamsetfree

God, You know our hearts. You know us. You know every inch of our being, every hair, every thought we've ever had or even will have. Yet You love us the same. You love us the same.

Help me become the best that You have made me to be.

I run to You Father.