breaking the cycle

i need to 'break' this cycle.

breaks are always hard for me because i don't know what to do with myself.

home is my haven - all i want to do is lounge around the house, read, watch friends and just... vege. i get really bad about returning calls and sending emails and calling up people because i just need to ESCAPE. escape from berkeley where i am doing work all the time. escape from having to busy myself. escape from having to intentionally build relationships with people. escape from having to fulfill duties. 

i started reading this book called 'getting things done' that talks about the ways we handle stress and obtain peace of mind. the way we balance our work. except work is no longer just defined as our job or school - it's a mesh of everything we need to get done: long term/short term, personal or work life. whether that's studying for a class, cleaning our room, planning for our next vacation, emailing a friend. anythinggg. it made me realize just how preoccupied my mind is allll the time by this idea of work. that i always have to be doing something. that i never have time to just HANG OUT or CHILL or SIT STILL with friends. meeting up with people became an obligation, to hafta have a productive or meaningful conversation, to become 'closer'.

Jesus, i am urging you and inviting you to help me break this cycle of workworkwork/overwhelming myself myself at berkeley, and then coming home to fremont to vege. remind me that You are a god who values rests but at the same time, You created man to not be alone or idle. help me find that balance.

and i am again reminded of mary/martha.

Jesus please help me place my relationship with You above all else.

i am also trying to grasp this idea of Jesus being my lover. 

that i am His beloved, His object of love and affection.

that my primary identity is to be LOVED ON by Jesus. 

to sit still and soak that in... that He calls me His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased.

----------

God has been doing this transformative work in me for allll year long. He has been stripping away this false self that i had been creating, one whom i had been placing my value in. this false self who was always busy, always doing, always having so much on her plate. 

He drove that point loud and clear today. a friend of mine asked me to dinner, and when i texted her back saying yes, she was surprised because she was sure i was going to say no. 

no more of this - no more of sacrificing relationships because i see them as a burden. no more being weighed down. no more having to do and fulfill and feeling obligated.

God sees me the clearest. and with that He has given me a new identity.

we talk about that a lot... Jesus transforming and calling us by a new name. but chapter camp - 

manuscript and erina&jamie's prayers - helped me grasp more of that tangibly. i am again learning about my value and my worth in the Kingdom. i am learning about the beauty that He has bestowed upon me when He created me.

He is naming me as His princess. 

shooot. i am ROYALTY in His Kingdom. i am precious. i am treasured.

and He has invited me to His super grand castle. where i can bask and bask in His glory. forever!

i don't wanna ever hafta run away anymore.

from my obligations, from schoolwork, from people, from God. i never want to be afraid of what God has called me to do- whether that's small group leading, caring for my parents, coordinating for Suitcase, learning what it means to be a good roommate/friend/gf.

i don't want to hide from Him.

i want to remember that He is always with me, always watching me. that He is there for me. that He is my friend. that He KNOWS me.

and i don't want to seek refuge and strength in anyone else but Him.

i want to feel ALIVE. alive in the sense that what i'm doing is purposeful, meaningful and joyful.

and the only way to do that is to partner with Him in ALL that i do. and to do these things by HIS strength. HE should be my haven, HE should be my source.

---------

so Jesus, help me learn how to not overwhelm myself.

help me obtain that peace of mind through You.

help me learn how to give things to You.

help me not view my commitments as obligations, but opportunities to partner with You and the Holy Spirit. help me never forget that.

give me EYES to SEE feel touch taste experience Your glory.

identity

expectations.

unrealistic expectations.

where do they come from?

they are not from Him. they are not from my family. they are not from anyone around me.

the need to be perfect, to stretch myself sooo thin.

to do my best. to do the impossible.

perfect.

what does it mean to be perfect?

the perfect student. friend. roommate. girlfriend. sister. sister-in-christ. daughter. small group leader. volunteer. volunteer coordinator. ugsi. coleader. 

so many different roles. so many hats.

are there that many?

why can't i excel at any of them?

burnt out.

i hate those two words.

suffocating. tired. DONE.

i never wanted to admit i was burnt out. i wanted to be the one to bring life. to bring joy. 

pride?

success.

yoked to the world.

burdens of the world.

taking advantage of opportunities.

forgetting that God transcends opportunities.

forgetting that He is not limited.

His gifts are abundant. good. plentiful.

that He is generous.

daughter.

i am finally reminded of my identity.

this is what He calls me.

genesis 1:27 - i am made in His image. 

psalm 139:14 - i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

exodus 19:5-6 - i am treasured.

isaiah 43:4 - i will not be put to shame.

colossians 3:12 - i am chosen.

1 corinthians 2:16 - i have His mind.

romans 8:28 - i am called for His purpose.

mark 1:11 - i am His beloved.

isaiah 43:4 - i am precious and honored in His sight.

------------

luke 10: 38-42

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that mys ister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

hi Jesus.

thanks for reminding me through kathy khang's essay in 'more than serving tea' that my relationship with You comes first. thank You for showing me that even though Martha was being hospitable and doing what was culturally and socially expected at the time, You call us to be like Mary and to SIT. still. at Your feet. 

Lord Jesus, teach me how to be obedient to You. teach me how to say 'no'. teach me how much more important it is for me to BE. rather than to DO. teach me how to radically declare my faith and live out my foremost calling as Your daughter. teach me not to run towards, or run away my many roles, but to first choose to be Your disciple. 

please teach me about grace, courage, freedom. 

please walk along side me, carry me and love on me.

please open my eyes to see the blessings and relationships that You have gifted me. they are all soooo good Jesus.

please soften my heart so i can receive grace and love. 

please tear down my pride so i can be refilled again.

make me whole!

-----------

why don't you see things through God's eyes?

can you try to let others care about you?

thank you.

-----------

philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

burdens. joy. peace.

healing

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Luke 8:48

:)

Patience

I am soooo in need of Grace right now.

Help me WAIT for You.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Help me TRUST in You.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, 

a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:9-10

Teach me how to be PATIENT.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, does not boast, is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 14:4-7

Reveal to me any DEBT I need cancelled (Luke 7)

Reveal to me any sin in need of REPENTANCE.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise,

as some understand slowness.

He is patient with you,

not wanting anyone to perish,

but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

Fill me with CONFIDENCE in Your Word.

I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

Fill me with EVERLASTING. JOY.

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

everlasting joy will crown their heads.

gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Isaiah 51: 11

Hear my cries, God.

I am so tired.  Ground me in Your Word. Ground me in Your Truth. Remind me of Your Promises.  Remind me of Your perfect timing and the good things You have in store for us.

Waiting. Trusting. Patience. Repentance. Confidence. Everlasting joy.

Answered prayers

Who among the gods is like you - O Lord?

Who is like you -

Majestic in holiness,

awesome in glory,

working wonders?

Exodus 15:11 (Jan Time Bible study)

Jesus, You leave me speechless.

I am SO EXCITED, sooo so excited for the ways that You will be working! I can't even go to sleep right now God. I can't even begin to praise You and thank You for these intricacies in Your plan for me. I can just picture You, so pleased with Your creation, so pleased with Your sovereignty. Smiling down on us. :)

You surprise me daily.

I couldn't have imagined just how and when You would be answering my prayers last semester.

And it's only now that I realized how You have been molding me daily.

Thank You for hearing me Abba.

I prayed for Life. 

I prayed for restoration and renewal. 

I prayed for JOY. 

I prayed that I would be able to dance and sing for You.

I prayed that I would learn how to love You wholeheartedly.

I prayed that I would be transformed by Your Word. 

And You've answered these prayers and blessed me thousands of times over.

"I will do the very thing that you have asked;

for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name." 

Exodus 32:17 (Jan Time Bible study)

I can't believe how things have fallen place.

It is UNMISTAKABLE that You are behind all this. Only You can orchestrate something like this. It is so incredible and beautiful. Sooo beautiful.

I am so thankful that YOU are God. 

I am so thankful for Your perfect timing. 

I am so thankful that You know my inmost being, the desires of my heart.

I am so thankful that You are my Creator and my Dad.

I am so thankful that You have placed in me my passions.

I am so thankful that You call me Your beloved daughter with whom You are well pleased.

I am so thankful that You never give us more than we can handle.

I am so thankful that You are my Provider, my Prince of Peace.

I am so thankful for Your Victory on the Cross - for the mercy, grace and salvation it brings.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be moved, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10

I pray for holistic transformation.

I pray for transparency, honesty and vulnerability.

I pray for wisdom, discernment and open ears&hearts.

I pray that we will continue to find favor in Your sight.

I pray for COMPLETE dependence on You.

I pray that You will remember the promises You made to Your people.

I pray that You will remain faithful to us. :)

I will open up my heart

and let the Healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth,

and I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of

when Your love came down

I could sing of Your love forever.