Crying for You

Dear God,

I am frustrated with You
I am frustrated with myself

I am frustrated with my lack of talents and gifts
When others sing draw write dance cook study speak scrapbook knit play sports take pictures
I am left in the dark
Empty
Unsatisfied
Talentless

God I want to believe that You are a creative God
I want to believe that You have instilled passions in our hearts
I want to believe that we are each created uniquely
I always tell myself that each of us are one cracked piece of a broken mirror
Each one reflecting You in a different way
That only when we are together, united, that we serve our own purpose

Why do I feel so lackluster?
Why don't I have a creative outlet?
Why did you take away my love for drawing and singing in choir?
12 years of piano and 11 years of violin
Left behind in the shadows of my high school days

Why has it been so hard for me to worship you?

Why have I been unable to be a blessing?
Is it the Devil at work?
Or is it me - putting up personal barriers?
Why God?

Great Gatsby remains one of my favorite books
I remember referencing it a lot in my SAT and AP essays
I'd always connect it with TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass

God I want to believe that You have broken me down to NOTHINGNESS
Just so I will restore my faith in You - and hope for Your glory to come

I can't believe how many times I have thought about walking out on this Fellowship this semester
I am a stranger even to myself

Who was I created to be?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Why am I unable to even write an eloquent blog entry just to express my frustrations with You?
Why can't I dance freely to the rhythms of Your heart?
Why can't I sing so that my soul rings with Your joy and Your pain?

Why can't You just give me the motions to do in hopes that my heart will follow?

God why have You deserted my side?
You have taken away all the relationships that I've relied on in my past
All I have left is You
And yet You choose this time to leave me to test me

I know it takes time
But when are You going to appear again?

I have not felt a single drop of joy in the past six months God.
I look back onto this semester, onto this summer
Yes I see the ways You have blessed me God
But all of those blessings were so temporary
It was all me just constantly trying to remind myself of Your goodness
Telling myself to continue holding on, to hope for You, to wait for You

I am so tired God.
I am tired of searching for the answers
I am tired of looking in the wrong places and turning to the wrong people

Why won't You just reveal Yourself?
Why aren't You answering me?

Chapter Camp.
Chapter Camp was the last time that I even felt You here.
How can You expect me to serve with joy?
How can You expect leading to be life-giving
I have never felt this much pain anguish inadequacy self-doubt self-hatred failure shattered expectations brokenness burnout

My heart has hardened
My ears have shut and my eyes blinded God

Rescue me
Release me
Free me
Love me
Hold me Father