Mum and Dad came up for lunch to meet Jenn, Eunice and Becky, and kind of to talk about apartment hunting. I don't know how well that turned out though.. I know my Dad means well but sometimes he doesn't come off that way. I don't know.
Today's service at the Ark was so so so good.
Worship was amazing. I was so bummed out missing Friday's large group that I was really looking forward to service today. We sang two of my favs - "We love you Jesus" and "How can I keep from singing".
Yesterday God blessed me with two distinct conversations about a relationship that I'm struggling with - one with Sonny and one with Sammy. I think that during worship, God really just spoke to me and reiterated what Sonny told me - that God really *put* those feelings in me. It's just going back to the whole lesson about Patience that I'm learning..
This post is quite fragmented.
Today, Javier came to speak about transitions and unmet expectations. The passage was from Luke 24, where Cleopas and his friend are unable to recognize Jesus even after they spent the entire day together. I'm really afraid that I am being really tunnel visioned with this relationship. I don't want to see this as the only way of satisfying the care that I feel like I'm lacking. I'm getting really angry at myself because I don't want this to steal my heart away from God or who He has planned for me. I want to only crave God's approval. I want to only hunger for God's love. But in my brokenness, in our brokenness, we continue to seek after the love of others. This imperfect love. I'm not hearing God out too well right now.. I can't tell if He is being intent that He is behind these feelings and actions, or whether I'm making it up to justify what I'm doing.
I knelt down for the first time during worship today and prayed. Prayed that I would not rely on earthly things. Prayed that God will give me direction with this relationship, give me patience and help me trust in Him that He will lead it where it goes. It's so difficult each. and. every. day. to keep my feelings in check. But that's exactly what Javi was talking about. It is only when God leads us to unknown and unexpected places - places where we are vulnerable - that we can fully and 100% trust and depend on God for everything.
I need to depend on God. I need to give these feelings to Him. I need to lift up these feelings to Him, and trust that He will speak to me and teach me how to deal with them.
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Nathan said in his email today:
My challenge to you is to truly believe that our God is capable of doing all things and then to begin living like it.
Are you ready to fulfill the calling that God has given us? And if so, how are you going to
fulfill that calling? Remember that we can be fishers of men anywhere we choose to serve. And remember that gift which was given to you.
I remember a few months ago at Large Group, one of the speakers posed a question: Who are you blessing? How have you been working in the community that God has put you in? I'm really afraid because I don't feel like I am a blessing to anyone.. haha. That seems emo and dumb, but I really hope that my presence is actually having an impact on people's lives. I've been praying big prayers. But again, we are so incapable of seeing the way God works in His perfect timing.
God on high stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we would always remember
You and I are made to worship
You and I are made to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
- Chris Tomlin, Made to Worship
Friends when it’s dark out
2 years ago
