a flurry of emotions

Freshman year is over.

I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Numb from the horrible Stats final. Moving out of the dorms. Regrets from not investing in Ida 6th floor. The comforts of Towle mini suites. Wesley's room. Being able to just skip down the hall to talk to friends. Showering with flipflops. Having to cook next year. Taking out the trash. No more waking up at 7:55am for 8am class. Unit3 small group. Emily as my roommate - being super chill, always always there for me at my worst moments. Swiping Haagen Dazs from Bear Market. 4am talks with Nate, the guys, Kevin Huynh, Bmun, JennSaraEunice.

There's so much going through my mind right now... how my major GPA will look like. Going home, seeing my fam, visiting Mission, Chapter Camp!!!, Hong Kong. The ways God has blessed and super grown me. The community and friends and relationships He's given me. How He has provided for a place for us to live next year. The many many things I've struggled with and learned about this year - relationships, guy/girl boundaries, drinking, judging people, IV seniors' advice: talks with Slam, DavidChau, JennChiang, JeffKwong, StephenYang.

I really need to sit down in peace and reevaluate my entire life. All those good talks with Eric this semester has evolved our relationship from just GSI/student to more of a mentor/big brother kinda figure. I really want to just sit down, figure out what I want to do with my life, and just go for it. Same with studying habits. Setting aside time to find out what works for me will take me a really long way. I just want to find something that I'm passionate about. Something that I will be able to tunnel vision, focus in on and just DO without anyone stopping me. I want to help people, interact with people, provide for my family, live comfortably, in close proximity with family and friends...

All of this started off with seeing Carmen and Jen move out yesterday. Then Sara's letter this morning, Jenn's text. Wesley's room empty. Having to go back and pack. It's just CRAZY fast how this year flew by, yet how jam packed every single day was. Small group, large group, Crossroads, cafe3 dinners, good talks, Hall Ass meetings, late nights at Beverly Cleary, learning how to play guitar, DailyCal, sitting on Sproul, laying in my bed doing nothing, bathroom talk, morning walks and talkin' to God, the Ark, Best Selling Secrets, Pat Brown's breakfast Friday mornings, my loverly psych section, chillin' with my small group, failed visits to the gym hahaha, football games, Papamingo runs, getting walked back at 5am, GBC, Suitcase Clinic, Unity Pride, Yule Ball, Collide, Discipleship, gorgeous view outside my window, door-to-door for HallAss and ASUC.

This ride has been just so indescribable. The surprises that God granted me. The opportunities and choices He's given me. The beginning of this incredible journey into become a Bride of Christ. I am so excited to see how His perfect timing and His plans for me will unfold :)

So friggin bittersweet <3

on love

Mmm. This is in regards to my last post about hating myself.
I think that God has shown me love in so many ways in just the past day.

My brother called me yesterday and asked if I was going to be around next Thursday to chaperone Richards' field trip to SF. He also told me that Camacho wanted me to visit him. That just made me smile knowing that my high school teachers remember me :) I've sent both of them a few emails here and there, but it was just nice to know I'm not forgotten.

I've been really blessed by a brother of mine (who is probably reading this right now!) just through an email. He talked about love. My QT passage today was from Isaiah 44 about idols. God has really used these two things to reveal more to me about my biggest struggles right now. I'm just gonna insert a few exerpts from his email that really struck me, and I hope that this will serve as a reminder to myself and to others who are reading this.

And because God's love is so amazing, so overwhelming, so massive, it overflows out of us when we love God, allowing us to love everything He has created. He lets us love.
Love is the greatest gift we receive from God. I think I overlook this fact. I always assume that GOD's love is His gift to us, but in fact, He also gave us the gift to love EACH OTHER. We can't comprehend unconditional love because our world is so so so broken. But as Christians, we are called to emulate Christ and love as God did.

God gives us three great gifts. Faith. Hope. Love. Love is the strongest of the three. Faith and hope last us this lifetime, but when we're in heaven, we need not have hope. We need not have faith. We're already in heaven. We no longer need faith or hope. But even then, we still need love. So of God's three greatest gifts for us, Love is the strongest of them all. It always perseveres. Love never fails.
That part just ties together the 1 Corinthians 13 verse. Love NEVER fails because we need it even when we are in Heaven.

God loves you, you should not ever, ever, ever even think of hating yourself. If you hate yourself, you're hating a creation of God. If you don't love yourself, you cannot love. In the Ten Commandments, one of the commandments is "Love thy neighbor as thyself." How can you love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.... Learn to love yourself, and then you will be able to love others, not the other way around. Do not seek love in others to find love for yourself.
I need to learn how to love myself, because God created me in a perfect way. He knit me in my mother's womb. I pray that I will learn to accept myself for who I am: as God's beloved daughter. He intentionally made me the way I am, and I am to seek the ways in which I can bless my community with the gifts He has given me.

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I think I'm touching upon the beginning of learning how to give these feelings up to God.
I can't wait until I reach that point.. knowing that I am strong enough to just lift everything up to God and trust that He will perfect them in His own timing.

self-love?

I need to learn how to love myself. For the way that God has made me and the gifts He's given me.

I really hate myself right now.

I set really high expectations for myself and I always fall short.
I need to stop relying on others because I don't 'trust' myself.
Talking to Eric on Monday made me realized that I've never really been affirmed about anything before in my life. I'm conditioned to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. I need to not blame others and just take responsibility. I need to trust my own abilities and my instincts and judgments. I need to stand firm and be firm.

It just seems like every time I'm vulnerable it 'backfires'. GAH. I don't know.

God, I really need Your help right now :( I need to feel Your presence and Your comfort..

gaaaah

I need to stop getting super giddy every time something happens :( hahaha.

I've felt soo connected to God in the past 30hours and it's been pretty amazing. Woke up Sunday and just read the Word throughout the morning - something that I haven't done so in awhile. I missed service at the Ark, but I felt like I could just experience and see God tingling down my spine and in every fiber of my body. QTed while working on my papers throughout the night/morning yesterday. I just want more and more of Him...

I'm going to miss the view from my room on Ida's 6th floor. Granted the majority is of Cafe3 below, but I have this gorgeous view of the hills and IHouse, all against this ocean blue sky and green foliage. Just seeing the birds soar and the illumination from the sunlight makes me melt - just sitting still and appreciating God's perfect perfect creations. He is the Master Artist, the Orchestrator behind this all.

God You are sooo good :)

a wife of noble character

I am really sad that Jenn and Eunice both aren't coming to Chapter Camp :( I love how insecure I feel just at the thought of not being with them for two weeks. Spent some time thinking and reflecting on short talk with Eunice earlier. Thanks for speaking truth into me Dad.

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What do I see in him?
I am distracting him, and I am distracting myself.
The best thing I could do for him is give him space and time to grow.
I am still learning myself, recovering from past wounds, beginning this journey walking besides You and drawing closer to You.
I know I'm not ready God. I know that this isn't the time.
I pray that You really grow me and continue molding me.
I want to remain your precious, beautiful daughter.
Lord I want to lift up all my feelings to You.
God may I save and preserve my heart for You.
I want to wholeheartedly love You and only You.
Help me guard my heart God.
Help me save it in its entirety Lord. May I not waste it on worldly things.
God help me focus on You. Help me seek You.
Please keep my intentions pure and centered on You.
Teach me how to love him as a sister.
Help me see You.
Help me turn You every time I want to turn back to him.
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I'm thankful that You revealed to me some answers.
Entering dorm ministry next year, being in a position of leadership, is to become a living testament of God. That is turning to YOU for everything. Through prayer, scripture, sermons, the church, fellowship. God I'm just so excited that I will be in this position, but also scared at the same time. I know all my actions will be scrutinized, but that will hold me accountable to continue seeking after YOU and YOU only. God may You just help me transition to that as the school year winds down, as Chapter Camp and summer approach.

Lord. Please help me become a true woman of God.

from The Wife of Noble Character
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
- Proverbs 31: 25-26, 30

a wave of transitions

Tonight was crazy. This entire week has been crazy.

The message at the Ark last Sunday was by Javi (Tarango-Sho of IV La Fe). He spoke on transitions: how they are not as temporary as we think, how we should never feel comfortable, how we are to rely on God in these times for comfort and provision, how transitions are ways of exploring new sides of Jesus. His message couldn't come at a better time.

It's the last two weeks of school, which = crunchtime for everyone. I can't really describe the emotions I've felt this past week; they seem to fluctuate between sadness that the year is ending, but excitement for so many new things to come.

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LAST SMALL GROUP
InterVarsity has changed my life.
God has blessed me and used me in sooo many ways this year, and I have no words to express how thankful I am that He brought me into this community. I LOVE my unit3 brothers and sisters. I didn't get a chance to record for the sg appreciation video, but God has gifted us with amazinggg leaders: Andrew has this huge heart for God and community. I have seen him step out in faith to initiate conversations with strangers, with the homeless, with those who may feel excluded. Emily with this crazy genuine, down-to-earth attitude. She is so comfortable with who she is, and she's not afraid to show her quirky awesome awkwardness because she so knows that God loves her the way she is. Nathan has given me encouragement every, single, time. He has shared with me his struggles, his pain and his trials, thus opening the gateway for me to open up to him. And Sarah. Sarah Lam. She has been a ray of sunshine to our small group, our fellowship and the body of Christ. She has unconditionally poured out love for us that can only originate from one Source.

I love my small group DEARLY. I know that our community isn't perfect. And I almost like it because it's not.
I am glad that we recognize the struggles that we face as a community. I am thankful for our differences. And even though there has been tensions and divisions arising, I'm really glad that we are able to come together as a body of Christ. Our small group has such strong personalities with so much leadership potential, and I'm just so excited to see how God will work through each and every one of us as we -part our ways- next year. They have provided me with a safe space. They have been patient with me through the beginnings of my Walk. They have graciously prayed for me and answered my questions. They have reaffirmed me and provided for me. I admit that I did step away second semester, because I really felt called to build relationships with our brothers & sister in our class and other small groups.

Dinner Tuesday night at Emily's was sooo good because it was really the first time that ALL of us sat down and shared a meal. I am really glad that we got our very own 'puzzle' yearbooks :) I hope that we will continue to be present amongst each other's lives for the upcoming years. I know that things will be difficult, but we will still be THE amazing 07-08 u3 small group.


LAST HALL ASSOCIATION MEETING
Spent at Fondue Fred's just reflecting on the year. My officer corps is quite special; it takes so much dedication and heart for any Hall Ass Ex Comm to gel together and work so well together. I am amazed at how comfortable with each other. They made me feel so included last semester even when I wasn't on Ex Comm, and they have empowered and encouraged me this semester especially through Collide planning.

Brittany Murlas is an amazing woman. She brings the most positive energy. She is so incredibly supportive and encouraging while managing to keep us in check at all times. I am so thankful that she is a part of my life because I KNOW she will be doing amazing things for our community. She is the most capable and compassionate leader I've met. Ex Comm wouldn't have been able to pull off anything this semester without our awesome PA.

I really admire this bunch in our vision AND our dedication to living it up. I know that we didn't really hangout much outside of meetings and events, but Tuesday nights were never a bore. "The shitz", I love sex because... and snaps.


LAST SUITCASE CLINIC CLASS
Inspirational Suitcase alum speaker. Hilarious group presentation. The Unity secret. Crazy tons of small group pride.
It's funny how God brought me to Suitcase Clinic in the beginning of the year, but I am so sure that God has called me to serve in this community for a purpose. Christopher Peabody, a med student at UCSF, talked about the presence of Suitcase across the country. He emphasized our values and mission statement - compassion & empathy - that are lifelong skills that will empower everyone in this class to become leaders in our community. I am excited to take part in this organization for the rest of my college years in hopes of developing these skills.

I have some pretty big shoes to fill next semester as Volunteer Coordinator. DJ and Andrew just have this crazy aura around them that radiate positive energy. I am so blessed to have been in the Unity small group. I can't believe how well our small group got along - I never imagined all of us to be so chillax and friendly with each other. I know I'll definitely see everyone at Clinic a lot still next year - I can't wait!


LAST LARGE GROUP
Reminiscent slideshows. Cute song. Testimonials. Prayer.
I can't comprehend why and how tremendously the Senior class has blessed our Freshmen class. Sam's testimony on community, Wilken's testimony on faith and Slam & David Chau's testimony on reconciliation. Slam & David's testimony really touched me because it symbolized foreseeable issues that our class will have to deal with in the future. The ways they serve God are so different - Slam's renewal and reborn dedication to follow Christ, and David's "of the world" brokenness to struggle alongside everyone. It's so beautiful that they are both able to worship the same God in such distinct ways.

I feel so loved on by the seniors. I know they have been praying for us, and they have poured out love for us especially at FROC. They were patient with us and willing to be vulnerable with us. I can't say that I am super close with any of them, but I have developed this attachment and admiration for many of them through conversations (Slam, David Chau, Jen Chiang, Jeff Kwong, Stephen Yang, Joyce Lin + Tiff Yang + Osup Kwon at FROC in particular). I know they aren't perfect, but just seeing the ways that God has transformed them and taught them about Him has been mind blowing.

I pray to God asking Him to constantly remind us that we are all still part of His body, that all of us will still connected no matter where He takes us. We are the IV-CCF community, and I can't wait to see how God will use each one of the seniors to bless and glorify His Kingdom.


SMALL GROUP LEADER APPRECIATION
I am going to be honest; tonight's small group leader appreciation blew my mind. I am guilty of not having high hopes and expectations for it. God is sooo good. I am so proud of our class for putting all of this together: the planning, logistics, video, awards, food, gifts, haikus. It was THE manifestation of the Body of Christ!! I am so thankful and appreciative of everyone's collective efforts. I know each 'committee' worked really hard on their respective part of the night, and the way everything came together was beautiful. Thank you Lily for heading the idea.

The event really also sparked some worries in me...
A few weeks ago, Sarah at the Ark asked us the question "Who are you blessing in your life?". And honestly even now, I don't even know!!! I will have some pretty bigbigbig shoes to fill next year as a leader. I am excited yet afraid at the same time about where God is going to put me. I pray for trust.

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I've blogged for about 45minutes now, and it's getting late.

TRANSITIONS FOR NEXT YEAR
Becoming diligent to focus on my studies to wrap up my first year. Moving out of the dorms. Moving into apartments!! - learning how to really take care of myself and get along with to others. Going on my first 'church camp'. Going on 'vacation' without my parents. Spending down time with God and my brothers & sisters at Catalina. Reflecting on the past year and getting excited about the next - so can't wait! Living on my own without my immediate family for two months halfway around the world. Spending the entire summer without my friends. Taking on an internship - glimpsing into the real world. Taking on new leadership roles as a small group leader and volunteer coordinator.
And lastly, since the last large group about grief, beginning a healing process from my past broken (dating) relationship(s). I don't really know where anything is heading, but I pray to the Lord that He will give me the time to grieve and heal 'properly' from these major gashes and wounds.

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On a random note, I finally placed in the order for personalized dog tags. Mine is Isaiah 40:31, Derk's is Joshua 1:9. I can't wait for them to get here!

All this is pretty bittersweet. Just gotta keep in mind that each ending is just another beginning.

a cry for help

I am really angry right now.

I am disappointed myself and I feel utterly pathetic.
My sleeping schedule has been off for the past month. I've barely gone to class for the past couple weeks. I haven't attended single BA lecture for this new module. Ethnic Studies discussion for three weeks. Stats since Boat Dance. Just typing this makes me feel ashamed.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't seem to find motivation to concentrate during Crunchtime. God, please lift up my heavy heart and all the burdens along with it. I feel Satan snickering in my ear right now Father, laughing at how victorious he has been lately. God, please just deliver me from this listlessness. God, please restore diligence into my life. This is a hard prayer for me God. I'm just sick of feeling idle and useless. God, remind me why You have placed me here once again. Remind me that I am Your precious daughter God. God Your heart for us is so big, that I almost wish there was some way You would reprimand me.

God, please just help me move on from my guilt ridden self. Set my chains free. Renew my spirit and soul God, because they have been so burdened and bogged down by the weariness of this broken world. Lord I long to be pure like You. Draw me closer to You God.

God heal me from my sickness, the one developing physically and the blockade mentally in my mind that is preventing me from worshiping You through my studies. God, please just grooow me abundantly in the ways You already have this past year. God, please just rescue me..

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest
- Hillsong United, Hosanna

a meet and greet kinda lunch

Mum and Dad came up for lunch to meet Jenn, Eunice and Becky, and kind of to talk about apartment hunting. I don't know how well that turned out though.. I know my Dad means well but sometimes he doesn't come off that way. I don't know.

Today's service at the Ark was so so so good.
Worship was amazing. I was so bummed out missing Friday's large group that I was really looking forward to service today. We sang two of my favs - "We love you Jesus" and "How can I keep from singing".

Yesterday God blessed me with two distinct conversations about a relationship that I'm struggling with - one with Sonny and one with Sammy. I think that during worship, God really just spoke to me and reiterated what Sonny told me - that God really *put* those feelings in me. It's just going back to the whole lesson about Patience that I'm learning..

This post is quite fragmented.

Today, Javier came to speak about transitions and unmet expectations. The passage was from Luke 24, where Cleopas and his friend are unable to recognize Jesus even after they spent the entire day together. I'm really afraid that I am being really tunnel visioned with this relationship. I don't want to see this as the only way of satisfying the care that I feel like I'm lacking. I'm getting really angry at myself because I don't want this to steal my heart away from God or who He has planned for me. I want to only crave God's approval. I want to only hunger for God's love. But in my brokenness, in our brokenness, we continue to seek after the love of others. This imperfect love. I'm not hearing God out too well right now.. I can't tell if He is being intent that He is behind these feelings and actions, or whether I'm making it up to justify what I'm doing.

I knelt down for the first time during worship today and prayed. Prayed that I would not rely on earthly things. Prayed that God will give me direction with this relationship, give me patience and help me trust in Him that He will lead it where it goes. It's so difficult each. and. every. day. to keep my feelings in check. But that's exactly what Javi was talking about. It is only when God leads us to unknown and unexpected places - places where we are vulnerable - that we can fully and 100% trust and depend on God for everything.

I need to depend on God. I need to give these feelings to Him. I need to lift up these feelings to Him, and trust that He will speak to me and teach me how to deal with them.

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Nathan said in his email today:
My challenge to you is to truly believe that our God is capable of doing all things and then to begin living like it.

Are you ready to fulfill the calling that God has given us? And if so, how are you going to
fulfill that calling? Remember that we can be fishers of men anywhere we choose to serve. And remember that gift which was given to you.

I remember a few months ago at Large Group, one of the speakers posed a question: Who are you blessing? How have you been working in the community that God has put you in? I'm really afraid because I don't feel like I am a blessing to anyone.. haha. That seems emo and dumb, but I really hope that my presence is actually having an impact on people's lives. I've been praying big prayers. But again, we are so incapable of seeing the way God works in His perfect timing.

God on high stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we would always remember
You and I are made to worship
You and I are made to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
- Chris Tomlin, Made to Worship

a lesson in the making: patience

God is teaching me a very long, hard and important lesson on patience right now.

I'm always, always in a hurry to do things. To get things done. End results. Quick. Snap. At this instance. In our timing. Current gratification. I think that being patient is really appreciating God's Perfect Timing, and ultimately just *trusting* that he will do His thang. Delaying gratification. Postponing the measures of success and results by our own flawed timeline.

I think God is being especially particular about the relationships I am forming right now. He's teaching me that relationships take time to grow. They need time to be nurtured. Close and frequent contact doesn't necessarily mean deep and vulnerable.

God, I pray that I will rely on Your perfect timing, and that I will rely on Your timeline. God may you really just continue to grow this friendship/relationship we have God, without jeopardizing the bonds we established before. God, may everything just work out the way You want it to be. God, please teach me how to be patient as this friendships unfurls. Lord, may I just depend on You for Your perfect timing.