Lightning, Wedding Dresses, Photosynthesis

THANK YOU JESUS.

This story is so fragmented, yet all its separate pieces just falls in place . That just attests to the crazy ways that our God works. It is just so exciting, breathtaking, unconventional, countercultural and brilliant. I think my semester has finally started coming together. This might just be the breakthrough I've been praying for!! :)

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Back in January during our Jan Time retreat, our leadership team spent three days casting vision for this upcoming semester. We studied Exodus and explored our new identities - as God's treasured possession (Exodus 19:5) and priests of His Kingdom (Exodus 19:6). We spent the last morning looking at Exodus 36, the passage with the Building of the Tabernacle.

Some of the Ark folk came and held a Prophecy workshop. Dennis Cole talked about how prophecy is really just communication with God. How it is letting Him take control of our imagination - whether that comes in the form of images, song lyrics, a verse or even a word. Christina Hisel led our group and we had a chance to get prayed for and pray for others. When it was my turn, everyone laid hands on me and began to prophecy. Christina saw a burst of lightning strike in the middle of the night. "Trust. Keep walking in the darkness." Sara saw a dark sky. Sarah was reminded of the passage of Peter walking on water. Matt heard "I believe". Connie saw me flying a rainbow kite (covenant) in the wind (Spirit).

We wrapped up the retreat with communal prayer after studying the Tabernacle passage. During those ~45mins, God gave me a very clear and complex vision. I shared with Sara Fong and Erina afterwards and they prayed for me.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11-12 (Isaiah 58 kept popping up in my head during Ark worship)

The vision showed a small green plant sprouting. The leaves were deep, deep dark green. It kept growing and growing. The angle shifted so a row of plants were visible. Hands from both sides plucked these plants. The angle panned out once again to where plants could be seen everywhereee. They were so abundant! And green! And then God placed a rainbow at the horizon, promising me that He will bring new Life to our fellowship this semester. And Erina said that first small green plant might even be me.

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Yet you have a few people who have not soiled their clothes.

They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy.

He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white.

I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and the angels.

Revelation 3:4-5 (Suky's sermon)

I have been a lot more proactive about asking for prayer during Large Group reflection time this semester. I asked Erina to pray for me after our opening message about the Power of Prayer. She had a vision of me in a wedding dress that was dirty and torn. "God is going to give you a new dress - a white and pure one. And He wants to make you His Bride." The vision was casted back in January; Suky's sermon two months later finally confirmed it. I want to be a beautiful and beloved Bride of Christ. I want to learn how to have a pure heart and a gracious tongue (Proverbs 22:11).

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You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Romans 6:4

We've been going over a "Good News" series in Large Group.

This past Friday Pastor Andrew Hoffman spoke on Romans 6:15-23 about Good News for Bondage. He talked about God making us new. About how a lot of us are like pasta that's still boiling - we are cooked on the outside, but the water hasn't seeped into the inside yet. Kinda like the Gospel hasn't seeped into our being yet. God frees us from sin and sets us back on a path of righteousness. This gives us new purpose in life. To align everything that He's given us back to Him - because all of our beings and everything we have is His anyway. I journaled during reflection time. It's not very eloquent prose, but my prayer to God nonetheless.

Lord I think I am just afraid of failure, of not being a good steward of all that You've given me. Lord I am afraid that I will miss the opportunities and not take advantage of the resources You've granted me. God may You remind me that Your life and Your gifts are abundant. Remind me that You are Generous with Your Gifts. Remind me that You have given me an abundance of goodness and that You will continue to do so. Remind me that You transcend all, that time is not a limiting factor. Help me grow in faith and trust that Your Will will be done no matter what.

It hit me later that night when the sophomores got together to play Settlers/Egyptian War. And I got super angry at myself because I wasn't winning. I was playing games of the world (Bobby Lee). And God reminded me that He has placed 5 this drive to succeed, this drive to be the best at whatever I do. He has placed in me all these dreams and goals and desires. But He also reminded me that it's okay to be where I'm at - it's okay to not know where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's okay to not be doing as well as I'd like in school, to not be the 'coolest' small group leader, to not feel 'close and intimate' with everyone in the sophomore class, to not have to devote even more time to Suitcase Clinic. That He loves me just as I am, in my broken, humbled state. That is a HUGE.

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Lord, I love how You are speaking to me through images this semester. I am thankful for the revelations that You whisper to me at The Ark. I am thankful that I have finally experienced what it means for Your Word to come alive. 

I pray for Life. I pray for Your Living Water that brings Life, to quench our thirst. I pray that you will stir up a hunger for Your Word as our food and sustenance. I pray that You will stir up a fire to know You and seek after You and chase after Your heart. I pray that You will ignite a passion inside us. I pray You will teach us how to be Light.

(i just realized how nerdy this comment  is, but oh wells. anyhow, even this prayer is sooo counterintuitive - photosynethesis usually begins with light, and in combination with water and 'food', will result in a plant. but this is backwards!!!)

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

I so desperately want to be that well-watered garden, that tree planted by a spring that never runs out. I want to be so deeply rooted in the Lord. I want to bear delicious and plump fruit. All day.

And even though this entry is soo fragmented and took hours to churn out, Lord I am sososo thankful that You know my heart. And Lord even if no one understands what I'm saying, I know You see my spirit dancing and celebrating. Help me remember Your Goodness.

Thank You for accepting my imperfect heart, Abba :) It's all Yours.

Walter A. Haas School of Business

:)

THANK YOU, JESUS!!!

All power and glory and honor unto You and only You.

Desires of my heart

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37: 4-7

Guide me so my heart and my plans are in line with Yours.

Show me where you want to take me Jesus.

Happy Birthday James

Another dinner. Another night.

Another evening spent at the Ghetto.

 

I was worried because I hadn't seen him this past week at Clinic. I'd been walking by the Ghetto more often, but I still hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of his familiar face. Maybe he's at his girlfriend's. She's been going through some rough times.

There was a stack of crates, but no one there.

 

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Mandarin House. My first time there.

We had a good meal. Spirit was with us, Hand on us, just like we had asked before the meal.

Basketball. Suitcase. Friends.

It had been a long day, a long week in general. I had been feeling so exhausted, so drained. So contrary to the vision of Life I had at Jan Time retreat.

 

A man walks in carrying a dollar bill.

Do you have a dollar for me? Just one. Please.

Sorry. I lost my wallet today. - Legitimate.

I don't have one, sorry. - That was a lie.

The man walks to the cashier. The lady quickly shoos him out.

He wanders to the next restaurant outside.

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I usually don't give people money. It makes them dependent on others.

I like to talk with them. Or give them food. 

The encounter quickly slips from my mind.

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Half of my Szechuan Chicken left over.

I asked the lady cleaning the table next to us for a box.

Scooped the rice in and laid the chicken on top. Lunch for Friday. Box was packed to the brim.

I could give it to that man who just walked out!

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I stepped outside and looked both ways frantically. I peered through the windows of each restaurant. No sign.

I made my way out onto Durant to see if he was there.

He wasn't. And instead, there was another man sitting in his place.

Have you had dinner yet? I motioned to my takeout box.

Yes I would like to have it. He reaches for the bag - he had misheard me.

Thank you so much - God bless. Do either of you guys believe in Christ?

A firm Yes echoed in unison.

Can you pray for me? Today's mah birthday. Can you pray over me? It's mah birthday.

And then we laid our hands on him.

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Your love is beautiful

We praised Him for the way He had made him. 

We praised Him for his continued hope and joy. 

We praised Him for the goodness that He has in store for him.

We prayed that the Spirit would be upon him wherever he goes. 

We prayed that he would be reminded that He shed His Blood for him. That He loves him.

We prayed a blessing over his special day and for every day thereafter.

I was caught offguard. So caught offguard I barely remembered to ask the Spirit to give me words to speak. I was ashamed, embarrassed, even a bit frustrated that words did not flow out freely. But it's okay because the other one of us had so relied on the Spirit and prayed earnestly.

It's the reason why I sing.

Another snippet of His heart. Another snap shot.

Another glimpse through the curtains to see His brilliance.

Another time my heart broke like His.

Another time my lips spoke His words.

Another time my cheeks smiled His smile.

Another time He revealed Himself.

Another time His presence was made known.

Another time to worship His goodness, His grace and His love.

All around the world, let the praise begin.

The man on the crate

A priceless gift.

1/30 10PM. We finally walked outta 10 Evans. Usual Friday night hangout after Large Group. 

The air was crisp and refreshing. Laughter hung in the air - traces of the Spirit still lingering on from a powerful night.

We head over to Asian Ghetto for some boba and Steve's.

I'm digging the Tupac, man.

He was sitting in his usual spot outside the Ghetto. Music blasting from his new stereo. He had told me on Tuesday that he bought it no less than a week ago.

I break away from the crowd and head over to his stack of crates.

He starts telling me about his girlfriend. How surprised he was to see me - he had mentioned my name talking to someone earlier that day. He was from Suitcase, but he had forgotten his name. I ran through a few names. He still couldn't remember.

Little tidbits of conversations. Snapshots and glimpses into his life.

A girl walks over with some fresh popcorn chicken from Sweetheart's.

Would you like some? I had dinner already.

He declines, politely, saying that he too, already had dinner.

No really - she insists.

Thank you very much. God bless.

He accepts, somewhat reluctantly, but still graciously. He sets them next down in the bottom-most crate in the stack.

He asks me about Suitcase Clinic and how everything was going. We're looking into new services - lots of them. HIV education, TB testing...

A worker from Kingpin Donuts walks over with a pink box in hand. He stops in front of us, and bows his head so slightly, presenting the box to him.

No naw man, I can't take these.

Here. They are for you. Please.

Naw, naw man. I can't have sweets.

Please.

Again he accepts, ever so reluctantly but still so graciously.

After the man walked back into the shop, he looked straight into my eyes.

Take em Jess. You got to. I can't take stuff like this. I'm on a diet remember!

We go back and forth. I can't take it. I can't take it. 

In the end, he shoves the dozen into my arms.

Go and share 'em with your friends now. I'll see you next week, yeah? 

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I am ... still speechless.

The more I think about, the more I grow in awe of what a beautiful moment that I had witnessed. Participated in. Became a part of.

A homeless man just gave you a dozen donuts Jess. I'm trying to help put it into perspective for you!

I didn't even need my roommate to.

Part of me was numb, part of me went frantic. Part of me was overwhelmed, part of me guilty, part of me just.. didn't know if that was doing the right thing.

All I remember was just carrying this smile - a genuine smile - on my face as I turned towards the Ghetto and walked around to offer them to everyone. IV kids, strangers. 

What's the catch? they all asked. 

None- just say thanks to the man sitting on the crate.

I walked around offering donuts not of my own. Each of them carried a little piece of the baker's heart, of his heart. And all I did was deliver some of that joy right along.

A full day has passed already, but I am still learning from his simple action.

One simple act of giving.

I had prayed earlier that night, as Ryan Longfield prayed for us, for God to blow up our image of Him. 

This box of donuts - this gift, this one gift - is as priceless as God's Gift to humanity.

A man who has been seasoned on the streets. One who combats theft, betrayal, neglect daily. He was still able to give willingly and accept graciously. He is able to walk the streets with joy, with -dignity, with hope. He continues to walk on and journey on, together with us. And I was able to witness that and to be part of it.

That - like Dick Hoyt's unconditional sacrifice and love for his son - is just this tiny, microscopic glimpse that mirrors God's love for us. How powerful, undescribable and beautiful His love is!

Thank You Spirit for stirring up joy in my heart. For allowing my tears to flow freely. For being our FATHER in Heaven.  I am praying so hard for You. Longing so much for You. 

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If beautiful moments like this can be orchestrated here on Earth, how wonderful life must be in Heaven! I can't wait to join you up there Ray, but until then, I've still got some Kingdom business to take care of down here.

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by your side

I remember when they played this at your memorial service. I had been numb from pain, numb from any feelings, numb from sadness, regret when the testimonies were given. Numb to the point where I was angry and frustrated that I sat there at the side of the room expressionless and disconnected. I was afraid of even looking at you. Of seeing your face. I averted my eyes to the slideshow of all your pictures - some I had seen, most that I hadn't. Your childhood, days in Taiwan, days in MMA... 

I was selfish, and I wanted to keep you here. My heart had hardened. I was incapable of mourning, incapable of feeling or reacting towards your departure into a better place.

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

But when this song played, it broke me down. They flowed freely. I wondered how much you had thought about this. Whether this would've even crossed your mind. Whether your thirst for life and its wonderful joys and intricacies had the power to mask over these questions. I wonder how you are spending your time now, playing with all the angels in bliss :). Sitting at His right hand. Being welcomed home by trumpets and singing. God smiling, pleased that you were so faithful to complete His work in so short a time - 19 years.

Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still

When I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

And this is why I am reminded of this song God. "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done". You've shown me a glimpse of Your Kingdom right here, right now. It's so tangible. And all flesh shall see the salvation of God - from Luke 3:6 Bible study last week.

And all I want to do Lord, is forever, forever worship you.