breaking the cycle

i need to 'break' this cycle.

breaks are always hard for me because i don't know what to do with myself.

home is my haven - all i want to do is lounge around the house, read, watch friends and just... vege. i get really bad about returning calls and sending emails and calling up people because i just need to ESCAPE. escape from berkeley where i am doing work all the time. escape from having to busy myself. escape from having to intentionally build relationships with people. escape from having to fulfill duties. 

i started reading this book called 'getting things done' that talks about the ways we handle stress and obtain peace of mind. the way we balance our work. except work is no longer just defined as our job or school - it's a mesh of everything we need to get done: long term/short term, personal or work life. whether that's studying for a class, cleaning our room, planning for our next vacation, emailing a friend. anythinggg. it made me realize just how preoccupied my mind is allll the time by this idea of work. that i always have to be doing something. that i never have time to just HANG OUT or CHILL or SIT STILL with friends. meeting up with people became an obligation, to hafta have a productive or meaningful conversation, to become 'closer'.

Jesus, i am urging you and inviting you to help me break this cycle of workworkwork/overwhelming myself myself at berkeley, and then coming home to fremont to vege. remind me that You are a god who values rests but at the same time, You created man to not be alone or idle. help me find that balance.

and i am again reminded of mary/martha.

Jesus please help me place my relationship with You above all else.

i am also trying to grasp this idea of Jesus being my lover. 

that i am His beloved, His object of love and affection.

that my primary identity is to be LOVED ON by Jesus. 

to sit still and soak that in... that He calls me His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased.

----------

God has been doing this transformative work in me for allll year long. He has been stripping away this false self that i had been creating, one whom i had been placing my value in. this false self who was always busy, always doing, always having so much on her plate. 

He drove that point loud and clear today. a friend of mine asked me to dinner, and when i texted her back saying yes, she was surprised because she was sure i was going to say no. 

no more of this - no more of sacrificing relationships because i see them as a burden. no more being weighed down. no more having to do and fulfill and feeling obligated.

God sees me the clearest. and with that He has given me a new identity.

we talk about that a lot... Jesus transforming and calling us by a new name. but chapter camp - 

manuscript and erina&jamie's prayers - helped me grasp more of that tangibly. i am again learning about my value and my worth in the Kingdom. i am learning about the beauty that He has bestowed upon me when He created me.

He is naming me as His princess. 

shooot. i am ROYALTY in His Kingdom. i am precious. i am treasured.

and He has invited me to His super grand castle. where i can bask and bask in His glory. forever!

i don't wanna ever hafta run away anymore.

from my obligations, from schoolwork, from people, from God. i never want to be afraid of what God has called me to do- whether that's small group leading, caring for my parents, coordinating for Suitcase, learning what it means to be a good roommate/friend/gf.

i don't want to hide from Him.

i want to remember that He is always with me, always watching me. that He is there for me. that He is my friend. that He KNOWS me.

and i don't want to seek refuge and strength in anyone else but Him.

i want to feel ALIVE. alive in the sense that what i'm doing is purposeful, meaningful and joyful.

and the only way to do that is to partner with Him in ALL that i do. and to do these things by HIS strength. HE should be my haven, HE should be my source.

---------

so Jesus, help me learn how to not overwhelm myself.

help me obtain that peace of mind through You.

help me learn how to give things to You.

help me not view my commitments as obligations, but opportunities to partner with You and the Holy Spirit. help me never forget that.

give me EYES to SEE feel touch taste experience Your glory.

identity

expectations.

unrealistic expectations.

where do they come from?

they are not from Him. they are not from my family. they are not from anyone around me.

the need to be perfect, to stretch myself sooo thin.

to do my best. to do the impossible.

perfect.

what does it mean to be perfect?

the perfect student. friend. roommate. girlfriend. sister. sister-in-christ. daughter. small group leader. volunteer. volunteer coordinator. ugsi. coleader. 

so many different roles. so many hats.

are there that many?

why can't i excel at any of them?

burnt out.

i hate those two words.

suffocating. tired. DONE.

i never wanted to admit i was burnt out. i wanted to be the one to bring life. to bring joy. 

pride?

success.

yoked to the world.

burdens of the world.

taking advantage of opportunities.

forgetting that God transcends opportunities.

forgetting that He is not limited.

His gifts are abundant. good. plentiful.

that He is generous.

daughter.

i am finally reminded of my identity.

this is what He calls me.

genesis 1:27 - i am made in His image. 

psalm 139:14 - i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

exodus 19:5-6 - i am treasured.

isaiah 43:4 - i will not be put to shame.

colossians 3:12 - i am chosen.

1 corinthians 2:16 - i have His mind.

romans 8:28 - i am called for His purpose.

mark 1:11 - i am His beloved.

isaiah 43:4 - i am precious and honored in His sight.

------------

luke 10: 38-42

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that mys ister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

hi Jesus.

thanks for reminding me through kathy khang's essay in 'more than serving tea' that my relationship with You comes first. thank You for showing me that even though Martha was being hospitable and doing what was culturally and socially expected at the time, You call us to be like Mary and to SIT. still. at Your feet. 

Lord Jesus, teach me how to be obedient to You. teach me how to say 'no'. teach me how much more important it is for me to BE. rather than to DO. teach me how to radically declare my faith and live out my foremost calling as Your daughter. teach me not to run towards, or run away my many roles, but to first choose to be Your disciple. 

please teach me about grace, courage, freedom. 

please walk along side me, carry me and love on me.

please open my eyes to see the blessings and relationships that You have gifted me. they are all soooo good Jesus.

please soften my heart so i can receive grace and love. 

please tear down my pride so i can be refilled again.

make me whole!

-----------

why don't you see things through God's eyes?

can you try to let others care about you?

thank you.

-----------

philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

burdens. joy. peace.

healing

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Luke 8:48

:)

Patience

I am soooo in need of Grace right now.

Help me WAIT for You.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Help me TRUST in You.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, 

a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:9-10

Teach me how to be PATIENT.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, does not boast, is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 14:4-7

Reveal to me any DEBT I need cancelled (Luke 7)

Reveal to me any sin in need of REPENTANCE.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise,

as some understand slowness.

He is patient with you,

not wanting anyone to perish,

but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

Fill me with CONFIDENCE in Your Word.

I am still confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

Fill me with EVERLASTING. JOY.

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

everlasting joy will crown their heads.

gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Isaiah 51: 11

Hear my cries, God.

I am so tired.  Ground me in Your Word. Ground me in Your Truth. Remind me of Your Promises.  Remind me of Your perfect timing and the good things You have in store for us.

Waiting. Trusting. Patience. Repentance. Confidence. Everlasting joy.

Answered prayers

Who among the gods is like you - O Lord?

Who is like you -

Majestic in holiness,

awesome in glory,

working wonders?

Exodus 15:11 (Jan Time Bible study)

Jesus, You leave me speechless.

I am SO EXCITED, sooo so excited for the ways that You will be working! I can't even go to sleep right now God. I can't even begin to praise You and thank You for these intricacies in Your plan for me. I can just picture You, so pleased with Your creation, so pleased with Your sovereignty. Smiling down on us. :)

You surprise me daily.

I couldn't have imagined just how and when You would be answering my prayers last semester.

And it's only now that I realized how You have been molding me daily.

Thank You for hearing me Abba.

I prayed for Life. 

I prayed for restoration and renewal. 

I prayed for JOY. 

I prayed that I would be able to dance and sing for You.

I prayed that I would learn how to love You wholeheartedly.

I prayed that I would be transformed by Your Word. 

And You've answered these prayers and blessed me thousands of times over.

"I will do the very thing that you have asked;

for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name." 

Exodus 32:17 (Jan Time Bible study)

I can't believe how things have fallen place.

It is UNMISTAKABLE that You are behind all this. Only You can orchestrate something like this. It is so incredible and beautiful. Sooo beautiful.

I am so thankful that YOU are God. 

I am so thankful for Your perfect timing. 

I am so thankful that You know my inmost being, the desires of my heart.

I am so thankful that You are my Creator and my Dad.

I am so thankful that You have placed in me my passions.

I am so thankful that You call me Your beloved daughter with whom You are well pleased.

I am so thankful that You never give us more than we can handle.

I am so thankful that You are my Provider, my Prince of Peace.

I am so thankful for Your Victory on the Cross - for the mercy, grace and salvation it brings.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be moved, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10

I pray for holistic transformation.

I pray for transparency, honesty and vulnerability.

I pray for wisdom, discernment and open ears&hearts.

I pray that we will continue to find favor in Your sight.

I pray for COMPLETE dependence on You.

I pray that You will remember the promises You made to Your people.

I pray that You will remain faithful to us. :)

I will open up my heart

and let the Healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth,

and I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of

when Your love came down

I could sing of Your love forever.

Lightning, Wedding Dresses, Photosynthesis

THANK YOU JESUS.

This story is so fragmented, yet all its separate pieces just falls in place . That just attests to the crazy ways that our God works. It is just so exciting, breathtaking, unconventional, countercultural and brilliant. I think my semester has finally started coming together. This might just be the breakthrough I've been praying for!! :)

---

Back in January during our Jan Time retreat, our leadership team spent three days casting vision for this upcoming semester. We studied Exodus and explored our new identities - as God's treasured possession (Exodus 19:5) and priests of His Kingdom (Exodus 19:6). We spent the last morning looking at Exodus 36, the passage with the Building of the Tabernacle.

Some of the Ark folk came and held a Prophecy workshop. Dennis Cole talked about how prophecy is really just communication with God. How it is letting Him take control of our imagination - whether that comes in the form of images, song lyrics, a verse or even a word. Christina Hisel led our group and we had a chance to get prayed for and pray for others. When it was my turn, everyone laid hands on me and began to prophecy. Christina saw a burst of lightning strike in the middle of the night. "Trust. Keep walking in the darkness." Sara saw a dark sky. Sarah was reminded of the passage of Peter walking on water. Matt heard "I believe". Connie saw me flying a rainbow kite (covenant) in the wind (Spirit).

We wrapped up the retreat with communal prayer after studying the Tabernacle passage. During those ~45mins, God gave me a very clear and complex vision. I shared with Sara Fong and Erina afterwards and they prayed for me.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11-12 (Isaiah 58 kept popping up in my head during Ark worship)

The vision showed a small green plant sprouting. The leaves were deep, deep dark green. It kept growing and growing. The angle shifted so a row of plants were visible. Hands from both sides plucked these plants. The angle panned out once again to where plants could be seen everywhereee. They were so abundant! And green! And then God placed a rainbow at the horizon, promising me that He will bring new Life to our fellowship this semester. And Erina said that first small green plant might even be me.

---

Yet you have a few people who have not soiled their clothes.

They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy.

He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white.

I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and the angels.

Revelation 3:4-5 (Suky's sermon)

I have been a lot more proactive about asking for prayer during Large Group reflection time this semester. I asked Erina to pray for me after our opening message about the Power of Prayer. She had a vision of me in a wedding dress that was dirty and torn. "God is going to give you a new dress - a white and pure one. And He wants to make you His Bride." The vision was casted back in January; Suky's sermon two months later finally confirmed it. I want to be a beautiful and beloved Bride of Christ. I want to learn how to have a pure heart and a gracious tongue (Proverbs 22:11).

---

You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Romans 6:4

We've been going over a "Good News" series in Large Group.

This past Friday Pastor Andrew Hoffman spoke on Romans 6:15-23 about Good News for Bondage. He talked about God making us new. About how a lot of us are like pasta that's still boiling - we are cooked on the outside, but the water hasn't seeped into the inside yet. Kinda like the Gospel hasn't seeped into our being yet. God frees us from sin and sets us back on a path of righteousness. This gives us new purpose in life. To align everything that He's given us back to Him - because all of our beings and everything we have is His anyway. I journaled during reflection time. It's not very eloquent prose, but my prayer to God nonetheless.

Lord I think I am just afraid of failure, of not being a good steward of all that You've given me. Lord I am afraid that I will miss the opportunities and not take advantage of the resources You've granted me. God may You remind me that Your life and Your gifts are abundant. Remind me that You are Generous with Your Gifts. Remind me that You have given me an abundance of goodness and that You will continue to do so. Remind me that You transcend all, that time is not a limiting factor. Help me grow in faith and trust that Your Will will be done no matter what.

It hit me later that night when the sophomores got together to play Settlers/Egyptian War. And I got super angry at myself because I wasn't winning. I was playing games of the world (Bobby Lee). And God reminded me that He has placed 5 this drive to succeed, this drive to be the best at whatever I do. He has placed in me all these dreams and goals and desires. But He also reminded me that it's okay to be where I'm at - it's okay to not know where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's okay to not be doing as well as I'd like in school, to not be the 'coolest' small group leader, to not feel 'close and intimate' with everyone in the sophomore class, to not have to devote even more time to Suitcase Clinic. That He loves me just as I am, in my broken, humbled state. That is a HUGE.

---

Lord, I love how You are speaking to me through images this semester. I am thankful for the revelations that You whisper to me at The Ark. I am thankful that I have finally experienced what it means for Your Word to come alive. 

I pray for Life. I pray for Your Living Water that brings Life, to quench our thirst. I pray that you will stir up a hunger for Your Word as our food and sustenance. I pray that You will stir up a fire to know You and seek after You and chase after Your heart. I pray that You will ignite a passion inside us. I pray You will teach us how to be Light.

(i just realized how nerdy this comment  is, but oh wells. anyhow, even this prayer is sooo counterintuitive - photosynethesis usually begins with light, and in combination with water and 'food', will result in a plant. but this is backwards!!!)

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

I so desperately want to be that well-watered garden, that tree planted by a spring that never runs out. I want to be so deeply rooted in the Lord. I want to bear delicious and plump fruit. All day.

And even though this entry is soo fragmented and took hours to churn out, Lord I am sososo thankful that You know my heart. And Lord even if no one understands what I'm saying, I know You see my spirit dancing and celebrating. Help me remember Your Goodness.

Thank You for accepting my imperfect heart, Abba :) It's all Yours.

Walter A. Haas School of Business

:)

THANK YOU, JESUS!!!

All power and glory and honor unto You and only You.

Desires of my heart

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37: 4-7

Guide me so my heart and my plans are in line with Yours.

Show me where you want to take me Jesus.

Happy Birthday James

Another dinner. Another night.

Another evening spent at the Ghetto.

 

I was worried because I hadn't seen him this past week at Clinic. I'd been walking by the Ghetto more often, but I still hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of his familiar face. Maybe he's at his girlfriend's. She's been going through some rough times.

There was a stack of crates, but no one there.

 

------

Mandarin House. My first time there.

We had a good meal. Spirit was with us, Hand on us, just like we had asked before the meal.

Basketball. Suitcase. Friends.

It had been a long day, a long week in general. I had been feeling so exhausted, so drained. So contrary to the vision of Life I had at Jan Time retreat.

 

A man walks in carrying a dollar bill.

Do you have a dollar for me? Just one. Please.

Sorry. I lost my wallet today. - Legitimate.

I don't have one, sorry. - That was a lie.

The man walks to the cashier. The lady quickly shoos him out.

He wanders to the next restaurant outside.

-----

I usually don't give people money. It makes them dependent on others.

I like to talk with them. Or give them food. 

The encounter quickly slips from my mind.

------

Half of my Szechuan Chicken left over.

I asked the lady cleaning the table next to us for a box.

Scooped the rice in and laid the chicken on top. Lunch for Friday. Box was packed to the brim.

I could give it to that man who just walked out!

 -----

I stepped outside and looked both ways frantically. I peered through the windows of each restaurant. No sign.

I made my way out onto Durant to see if he was there.

He wasn't. And instead, there was another man sitting in his place.

Have you had dinner yet? I motioned to my takeout box.

Yes I would like to have it. He reaches for the bag - he had misheard me.

Thank you so much - God bless. Do either of you guys believe in Christ?

A firm Yes echoed in unison.

Can you pray for me? Today's mah birthday. Can you pray over me? It's mah birthday.

And then we laid our hands on him.

-----

Your love is beautiful

We praised Him for the way He had made him. 

We praised Him for his continued hope and joy. 

We praised Him for the goodness that He has in store for him.

We prayed that the Spirit would be upon him wherever he goes. 

We prayed that he would be reminded that He shed His Blood for him. That He loves him.

We prayed a blessing over his special day and for every day thereafter.

I was caught offguard. So caught offguard I barely remembered to ask the Spirit to give me words to speak. I was ashamed, embarrassed, even a bit frustrated that words did not flow out freely. But it's okay because the other one of us had so relied on the Spirit and prayed earnestly.

It's the reason why I sing.

Another snippet of His heart. Another snap shot.

Another glimpse through the curtains to see His brilliance.

Another time my heart broke like His.

Another time my lips spoke His words.

Another time my cheeks smiled His smile.

Another time He revealed Himself.

Another time His presence was made known.

Another time to worship His goodness, His grace and His love.

All around the world, let the praise begin.

The man on the crate

A priceless gift.

1/30 10PM. We finally walked outta 10 Evans. Usual Friday night hangout after Large Group. 

The air was crisp and refreshing. Laughter hung in the air - traces of the Spirit still lingering on from a powerful night.

We head over to Asian Ghetto for some boba and Steve's.

I'm digging the Tupac, man.

He was sitting in his usual spot outside the Ghetto. Music blasting from his new stereo. He had told me on Tuesday that he bought it no less than a week ago.

I break away from the crowd and head over to his stack of crates.

He starts telling me about his girlfriend. How surprised he was to see me - he had mentioned my name talking to someone earlier that day. He was from Suitcase, but he had forgotten his name. I ran through a few names. He still couldn't remember.

Little tidbits of conversations. Snapshots and glimpses into his life.

A girl walks over with some fresh popcorn chicken from Sweetheart's.

Would you like some? I had dinner already.

He declines, politely, saying that he too, already had dinner.

No really - she insists.

Thank you very much. God bless.

He accepts, somewhat reluctantly, but still graciously. He sets them next down in the bottom-most crate in the stack.

He asks me about Suitcase Clinic and how everything was going. We're looking into new services - lots of them. HIV education, TB testing...

A worker from Kingpin Donuts walks over with a pink box in hand. He stops in front of us, and bows his head so slightly, presenting the box to him.

No naw man, I can't take these.

Here. They are for you. Please.

Naw, naw man. I can't have sweets.

Please.

Again he accepts, ever so reluctantly but still so graciously.

After the man walked back into the shop, he looked straight into my eyes.

Take em Jess. You got to. I can't take stuff like this. I'm on a diet remember!

We go back and forth. I can't take it. I can't take it. 

In the end, he shoves the dozen into my arms.

Go and share 'em with your friends now. I'll see you next week, yeah? 

-----

I am ... still speechless.

The more I think about, the more I grow in awe of what a beautiful moment that I had witnessed. Participated in. Became a part of.

A homeless man just gave you a dozen donuts Jess. I'm trying to help put it into perspective for you!

I didn't even need my roommate to.

Part of me was numb, part of me went frantic. Part of me was overwhelmed, part of me guilty, part of me just.. didn't know if that was doing the right thing.

All I remember was just carrying this smile - a genuine smile - on my face as I turned towards the Ghetto and walked around to offer them to everyone. IV kids, strangers. 

What's the catch? they all asked. 

None- just say thanks to the man sitting on the crate.

I walked around offering donuts not of my own. Each of them carried a little piece of the baker's heart, of his heart. And all I did was deliver some of that joy right along.

A full day has passed already, but I am still learning from his simple action.

One simple act of giving.

I had prayed earlier that night, as Ryan Longfield prayed for us, for God to blow up our image of Him. 

This box of donuts - this gift, this one gift - is as priceless as God's Gift to humanity.

A man who has been seasoned on the streets. One who combats theft, betrayal, neglect daily. He was still able to give willingly and accept graciously. He is able to walk the streets with joy, with -dignity, with hope. He continues to walk on and journey on, together with us. And I was able to witness that and to be part of it.

That - like Dick Hoyt's unconditional sacrifice and love for his son - is just this tiny, microscopic glimpse that mirrors God's love for us. How powerful, undescribable and beautiful His love is!

Thank You Spirit for stirring up joy in my heart. For allowing my tears to flow freely. For being our FATHER in Heaven.  I am praying so hard for You. Longing so much for You. 

-------

If beautiful moments like this can be orchestrated here on Earth, how wonderful life must be in Heaven! I can't wait to join you up there Ray, but until then, I've still got some Kingdom business to take care of down here.

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by your side

I remember when they played this at your memorial service. I had been numb from pain, numb from any feelings, numb from sadness, regret when the testimonies were given. Numb to the point where I was angry and frustrated that I sat there at the side of the room expressionless and disconnected. I was afraid of even looking at you. Of seeing your face. I averted my eyes to the slideshow of all your pictures - some I had seen, most that I hadn't. Your childhood, days in Taiwan, days in MMA... 

I was selfish, and I wanted to keep you here. My heart had hardened. I was incapable of mourning, incapable of feeling or reacting towards your departure into a better place.

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

But when this song played, it broke me down. They flowed freely. I wondered how much you had thought about this. Whether this would've even crossed your mind. Whether your thirst for life and its wonderful joys and intricacies had the power to mask over these questions. I wonder how you are spending your time now, playing with all the angels in bliss :). Sitting at His right hand. Being welcomed home by trumpets and singing. God smiling, pleased that you were so faithful to complete His work in so short a time - 19 years.

Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still

When I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

And this is why I am reminded of this song God. "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done". You've shown me a glimpse of Your Kingdom right here, right now. It's so tangible. And all flesh shall see the salvation of God - from Luke 3:6 Bible study last week.

And all I want to do Lord, is forever, forever worship you.

resolution

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:15-17

Today, Pastor Chris Yen preached at Chinese for Christ Church - CFCC Hayward - about the temptations of the world from 1 John.

• The cravings of sinful man -the preoccupation with our physical needs. His visit to Las Vegas embodied his realizations - how we are a culture consumed with living in excess, with glam and over-the-top glitz.
• The lust of his eyes -cravings and accumulation of material things. We try to fill our emptiness with stuff - how they are a temporary satisfaction, the way tylenol temporarily solves our headaches.
• Boasting of what he has and does - obsession with our non-existent status and pride. We flirt our way into acceptance by this world by putting up an image and facade of success.

So why were these specific three things included?
==> They were the same three temptations used by Satan on Eve and Jesus.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. Genesis 3:6

If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread. If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written: "He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." The devil took him to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you, if you will bow down and worship me." Matthew 4: 3, 6, 8-9

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Is this why my semester was so miserable?
I am disappointed in the ways that I have despised myself - a daughter of God, a creation perfect in His eyes. I haven't clutched onto His word or clung onto His voice in the last 16 weeks. I hadn't believed in Him - hadn't trusted that He could provide.

What you love is proof of who you love.

I miserably spent an entire semester trying to weave together a facade of intimacy with God when I could not have been more far from it. I was obsessed with putting up this front of "busyness" to justify my lack of investment in relationships. I was a control freak. I wasn't able to give up anything for God - I hung onto my grades, my Haas app, my term papers, even clothes and food. Yes He delivered me so faithfully through my trials, but they did nothing to challenge my understanding of Him, my understanding of His world, my understanding of myself. I am so ashamed to even admit how much time I've spent on Facebook looking at other people's profiles and pictures, envying their lives, envying their image of success and happiness through the world's eyes.

Going to CFCC Hayward the past few weeks reminded me the goodness of fellowship. I got to experience a taste of relationships that were sooo grounded in Him. I was able to witness brothers and sisters basking in His glory, together. The first time I set foot in the church was at my brother's baptism last year. All I remember thinking was - I really want to get plugged into this community. The world and His creation was meant to be so simple, elegant and beautiful - perfect relationship and intimate fellowship with Him 24/7.

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Ambition.
I remember the ways I used to come up with long bullet point lists of resolution in high school: to up my gpa, to lose weight, to get better in badminton, to get more involved with Interact. I had all these specific little aspects of my life that I wanted to improve.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

So that will be a resolution this year - to let go of a little control, to trust in His plan, to steward the possessions and talents and passions He has gifted me. All of this in order to restore my relationships and experience intimate fellowship with Him. Nothing tangible about grades, relationships, boys, finances, time management.

I will trust in the skill set He's given me and do my best.
Because He is sovereign.
Because He is pleased.
Because He's got my back.
Because His Will and Kingdom will carry on.
Because He loves me.
And because I want to be able to scream back at the top of my lungs that I love Him too.