breaks are always hard for me because i don't know what to do with myself.
home is my haven - all i want to do is lounge around the house, read, watch friends and just... vege. i get really bad about returning calls and sending emails and calling up people because i just need to ESCAPE. escape from berkeley where i am doing work all the time. escape from having to busy myself. escape from having to intentionally build relationships with people. escape from having to fulfill duties.
i started reading this book called 'getting things done' that talks about the ways we handle stress and obtain peace of mind. the way we balance our work. except work is no longer just defined as our job or school - it's a mesh of everything we need to get done: long term/short term, personal or work life. whether that's studying for a class, cleaning our room, planning for our next vacation, emailing a friend. anythinggg. it made me realize just how preoccupied my mind is allll the time by this idea of work. that i always have to be doing something. that i never have time to just HANG OUT or CHILL or SIT STILL with friends. meeting up with people became an obligation, to hafta have a productive or meaningful conversation, to become 'closer'.
Jesus, i am urging you and inviting you to help me break this cycle of workworkwork/overwhelming myself myself at berkeley, and then coming home to fremont to vege. remind me that You are a god who values rests but at the same time, You created man to not be alone or idle. help me find that balance.
and i am again reminded of mary/martha.
Jesus please help me place my relationship with You above all else.
i am also trying to grasp this idea of Jesus being my lover.
that i am His beloved, His object of love and affection.
that my primary identity is to be LOVED ON by Jesus.
to sit still and soak that in... that He calls me His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased.
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God has been doing this transformative work in me for allll year long. He has been stripping away this false self that i had been creating, one whom i had been placing my value in. this false self who was always busy, always doing, always having so much on her plate.
He drove that point loud and clear today. a friend of mine asked me to dinner, and when i texted her back saying yes, she was surprised because she was sure i was going to say no.
no more of this - no more of sacrificing relationships because i see them as a burden. no more being weighed down. no more having to do and fulfill and feeling obligated.
God sees me the clearest. and with that He has given me a new identity.
we talk about that a lot... Jesus transforming and calling us by a new name. but chapter camp -
manuscript and erina&jamie's prayers - helped me grasp more of that tangibly. i am again learning about my value and my worth in the Kingdom. i am learning about the beauty that He has bestowed upon me when He created me.
He is naming me as His princess.
shooot. i am ROYALTY in His Kingdom. i am precious. i am treasured.
and He has invited me to His super grand castle. where i can bask and bask in His glory. forever!
i don't wanna ever hafta run away anymore.
from my obligations, from schoolwork, from people, from God. i never want to be afraid of what God has called me to do- whether that's small group leading, caring for my parents, coordinating for Suitcase, learning what it means to be a good roommate/friend/gf.
i don't want to hide from Him.
i want to remember that He is always with me, always watching me. that He is there for me. that He is my friend. that He KNOWS me.
and i don't want to seek refuge and strength in anyone else but Him.
i want to feel ALIVE. alive in the sense that what i'm doing is purposeful, meaningful and joyful.
and the only way to do that is to partner with Him in ALL that i do. and to do these things by HIS strength. HE should be my haven, HE should be my source.
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so Jesus, help me learn how to not overwhelm myself.
help me obtain that peace of mind through You.
help me learn how to give things to You.
help me not view my commitments as obligations, but opportunities to partner with You and the Holy Spirit. help me never forget that.
give me EYES to SEE feel touch taste experience Your glory.
