Dying to yourself

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

I don't know why I was so scared to share.
I feel so blessed that Wenting and Sarah shared and addressed a lot of the same concerns I had.

I'm trying to figure out why I even feel scared to voice my concerns at the Leaders Meeting. Why do I feel like I don't have agency in this fellowship? I think I've been humbled so much this semester - too humbled almost - where I feel like I am useless, underqualified, unblessed and stripped of gifts that God has given me. I am excited for next semester and the vision that I have for all aspects of my life - academics, unit 2 small group and suitcase clinic.

I feel really frustrated by the lack of standards and accountability with leadership. I am probably guilty of this too. Too often leaders dread going to Sunday meetings or skip it entirely without feeling guilty. Accountability relationships are not as transparent or effective because people are afraid of calling each other out. Promises and commitments are broken. I feel like our fellowship is so broken, and the leadership team has a lot to do with it.

How do we live our lives? How are our own personal relationship with God? We often think that just because we are in leadership that we are at a good point with God. While that may be true at times, we don't seek for more. It's "good enough" - or it's assumed - that we are in a good enough place with God. Nothing should come before our relationship with God. Quiet times and prayer are so essential for God to minister to us personally. How do we expect to lead others if we do not lead by example? It is ironic that it is our leadership positions that prevent us from growing with God. Yes playing with freshmen is important, figuring out details for large group, praying for others. But that does NOT substitute for quiet times and sabbath.

Being in leadership is more than our explicit duties. We have chosen, and we have BEEN chosen. God calls us and we have *responded* to be a leader. We are to be living testaments of God to those in our fellowship, but more importantly, be witnesses to those not in our fellowship and not part of the body of Christ.

I feel like there is so much more than leading - especially this year - than just ministering to my small group or my apartment. I feel like I've ministered to people outside my small group than those in it. I am not perfect, and in no way have I kept up with every part of the covenant, but I have seen the ways that God has used my identity as a "Unit 2 small group leader" to bless my non-Christian friends, the people I work with and serve at Suitcase Clinic, to my high school friends etc. It is too light a thing to just adhere to our responsibilities and follow the covenant. We are called to do so much more. The covenant is only a small part - a suggestion.

There is so much brokenness in our fellowship that I KNOW God will do amazing things next semester. It is amazing how God nudged me to talk to Wenting and Sarah Lee at the meeting, and how we were given the courage to speak up. I don't know if the words came out wrong or whether people are passing judgment on us, but I can only trust that God has given us this heart to want to see Change and Revival. I pray that we will continue to hold truth in our hearts. I pray that our spirits will be renewed daily by Him and that we will keep His vision in sight. I pray that God will empower the three of us to bring about change to our leadership team and our fellowship as a whole. And I am thankful for everyone who was there to hear us out and the people who acknowledged and thanked us for sharing - Connie, Andrew Tai, Richard, Sara Fong.

Father, You have given me so much vision for next semester. Holy Spirit, please come. Please come because I cannot carry on any of this out without You. I am so broken down. Lord You have chipped away every ounce of Pride I have. My being has disappeared. I have been crumbled into nothing. I am ready to be Your vessel, Your tool, Your light and Your Servant. All I want now is You and more of You - Your eyes, Your ears, Your heart, Your wisdom, Your grace. Consume my being and drench me Holy Spirit.

I think I finally understand what it means to lay down my own life and take up the Cross. To grow weak so that God may grow strong. For my heart to break for what breaks His heart. For everything I have - my talents, skills, gifts, knowledge, friendships, relationships, authority, wisdom, discernment, loves, vision, passions, time, communities - everything I have for His Kingdom come.

Thank You Jesus.