A grab bag of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about "character".
In light of the Haas app and reflection on the semester as we wrap up the year.
Webster defines character as "an attribute that makes up or distinguishes an individual".

I think I have struggled this semester with a lot of the "Who am I?" questions.

In high school, I was always the crazy busy and involved one of our group. Senior year was balancing Interact, volunteering, piano and badminton. My girls would let me stay on campus at lunch to catch up on homework or sneak in a nap. I didn't go out much on the weekend or even playing throughout the week. My excuse? "I'm busy."

Growing up too. It was always easy for me to identify as the "cool girl who hungout with the guys". Even in elementary school, it was really obvious to me that I would rather play wall ball/4 square/basketball than chillax on the monkey bars. Maybe friendship with guys seem easier to me because they're more laidback and low maintenanced. Chipotle runs, trip to Starbucks, just hecka downtime.

I have been hurt and backstabbed in the past by so many girls.. CG CY LW. Maybe that's why I'm more partial with guy relationships? It's been spoken loudly and clear though for me to develop relationships with my Sisters. I am excited to see where God will lead our community. I hope and pray that these will bring healing to what I've suffered from in the past. Jesus, please help us form a community where we are able to mutually edify and support each other.

---

I think God has really challenged me since coming to college about WHERE I place my identity and self-worth. I knew I poured in a lot of my heart in extracurriculars and my relationships. I took pride in my time that was utilized well. Too much pride probably. I felt more important than others. I know I took great joy in having those deep heart-to-heart convos with people. I felt instantaneously closer to them. Even if it was some short AIM convo. I would always feel bad about not being able to spend time with people because it seemed like foregoing friendships and bonding and getting closer.

God has shown me that my time is limited and finite. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. I have struggled with time management over the course of this entire semester. I've tried justifying this by small group leading and Suitcase Clinic, only to find that I don't spend much time on either activities. In fact, talking to Harry yesterday night made me realize how unperceptive I am. I take things for their surface value, without critically thinking or analyzing situations. How do you develop those traits though?

---

DJ and Peter are two people whom I admire. Sheila, Dan, Ken too. So many of the people I work with at Suitcase have such beautiful hearts. They are willing to listen, and they genuinely care for the clients. DJ and Sheila are seasoned Suitcasers. Talking with Kevin tonight too and just tracing the legacy from Andrew Kronemeyer - Sunny - Kevin - Johan - Sheila - Dan - Eulanca. This finally made me realize: God has given me this heart and placed me in this organization because of the talents and passions that He has placed in me. I need to put in more effort and more time to cultivate this. God please help me be more proactive to learn about this organization and help me develop the skills needed to carry it on.

I want to spend more time with them whether it's hitting up House or helping set up. I can't believe I was close to giving up on this organization because I felt crappy about myself - that I wasn't finding community or developing connections. I always intimidate myself or talk myself out of thinking that these people don't want to talk to me, or I'm not good enough for them.

Same with my small group. I barely spend any time with them during the week because I don't even try. I've struggled like crazy with personal barriers this semester. Barriers I put up that prevent me from enjoying God's goodness - through relationships. My insecurity with myself has hindered me from building long lasting relationships.

---

Jesus please help me translate my empathy/care/passions/desire to help others into tangible actions. Actions speak lourder than words. Lord I know You know my heart. Please just open up doors of opportunities. Give me eyes to see where You are leading me.

The book of Galatians talks a lot about faith and freedom. All you hafta do is believe to experience freedom through Christ. Help me believe Your Goodness oh Lord. Give me Your words to speak, Your eyes to see, Your heart to break. I just wanna shake it all off and shed my old self.

God help me cultivate a loving, carring and tender heart to care for others.
Open my eyes to see who and what needs care.
Please bring me healing in the ways that my heart has hardened because of RY JY WC and WL. Please soften it, mold it, break it.
Teach me how to pray for my brothers & sisters. How to care for them in intangible ways - especially through prayer. Equip me with experiences and skills.