a heavy heart

Last final in 1.5 hours.

I am not feeling prepared at all.

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Psalm 63: 1-5

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the santuary

and beheld your power and your glory

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

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Isaiah 61: 1, 3

The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

loved and lost

Dear God,

:(

Why oh why am I going through this again?

All the memories, the pains, the hard lessons learned -

they're all slipping away so quickly.

I can't even tell if this is originating from You.

Or not.

Help clear my head and my heart Father.

Keep me from hearing the cries of the world.

Deliver me from the desires and temptations of Man.

The world would love me to believe

that it revolves around me

I can finally see

that the world would love to captivate

a childlike heart that aches

to fill the empty space

Help me find peace with you again

though I'm holding out my sinful hands

delivered and captured again

Though I was living like an empty man

Lord please wash me

and lead me to the end

Help me focus on You.

Your beloved,

Jessica

Rick Warren Interview

This was sent to me by Auntie Olwen awhile back, but I never took the time to read it till now.

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity.

This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say: God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Waiting

Scrapped that last entry into Drafts.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint

Funny how easy it is to even forget your favorite verses sometime.

God, help me place my trust in You and to wait on You.
You did not create me to cry these tears.
Help me remember that You are a God of goodness and abundance.

Crying for You

Dear God,

I am frustrated with You
I am frustrated with myself

I am frustrated with my lack of talents and gifts
When others sing draw write dance cook study speak scrapbook knit play sports take pictures
I am left in the dark
Empty
Unsatisfied
Talentless

God I want to believe that You are a creative God
I want to believe that You have instilled passions in our hearts
I want to believe that we are each created uniquely
I always tell myself that each of us are one cracked piece of a broken mirror
Each one reflecting You in a different way
That only when we are together, united, that we serve our own purpose

Why do I feel so lackluster?
Why don't I have a creative outlet?
Why did you take away my love for drawing and singing in choir?
12 years of piano and 11 years of violin
Left behind in the shadows of my high school days

Why has it been so hard for me to worship you?

Why have I been unable to be a blessing?
Is it the Devil at work?
Or is it me - putting up personal barriers?
Why God?

Great Gatsby remains one of my favorite books
I remember referencing it a lot in my SAT and AP essays
I'd always connect it with TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass

God I want to believe that You have broken me down to NOTHINGNESS
Just so I will restore my faith in You - and hope for Your glory to come

I can't believe how many times I have thought about walking out on this Fellowship this semester
I am a stranger even to myself

Who was I created to be?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Why am I unable to even write an eloquent blog entry just to express my frustrations with You?
Why can't I dance freely to the rhythms of Your heart?
Why can't I sing so that my soul rings with Your joy and Your pain?

Why can't You just give me the motions to do in hopes that my heart will follow?

God why have You deserted my side?
You have taken away all the relationships that I've relied on in my past
All I have left is You
And yet You choose this time to leave me to test me

I know it takes time
But when are You going to appear again?

I have not felt a single drop of joy in the past six months God.
I look back onto this semester, onto this summer
Yes I see the ways You have blessed me God
But all of those blessings were so temporary
It was all me just constantly trying to remind myself of Your goodness
Telling myself to continue holding on, to hope for You, to wait for You

I am so tired God.
I am tired of searching for the answers
I am tired of looking in the wrong places and turning to the wrong people

Why won't You just reveal Yourself?
Why aren't You answering me?

Chapter Camp.
Chapter Camp was the last time that I even felt You here.
How can You expect me to serve with joy?
How can You expect leading to be life-giving
I have never felt this much pain anguish inadequacy self-doubt self-hatred failure shattered expectations brokenness burnout

My heart has hardened
My ears have shut and my eyes blinded God

Rescue me
Release me
Free me
Love me
Hold me Father

When I don't desire God

Thanks Nate Nakamura for your weekly email and this quote that really speaks truth.

Sin opposes and perverts my pursuit of God. And it perverts by making me think I am pursuing joy in God when, in fact, I am in love with His gifts" - John Piper

We need to put our desire in God again, not in the things He gives us. Only He can quench our thirst and satisfy our hunger.

Prayer this morning with the sophomore girlies and at Saturday morning prayer was so good.
I am finally beginning to treasure and find value in intentionally praying in community. Yay.

Failure, Redemption, Grace

I have failed.

I have never been so disappointed in myself before.
This semester.. just sucked. I've failed as a Unit 2 leader. I've failed as a Berkeley student. I've failed as Suitcase Clinic's Volunteer Coordinator. I've failed as a roommate, an accountability partner, a sister to my sophomore class. I've failed as a Christian.

Never before have I let myself slip this easily. Too many classes skipped. Too many times I was late to clinic. Too many times I've chosen academics over small group. Too many times have I procrastinated. Too many quiet times I have compromised.

I am broken through and through. I am worthless. I am useless.

I sit here back from my Japanese oral interview final to reflect on the semester. Whom have I influenced? Whom have I blessed? Whose needs have I met? Whom did I challenge? When have I been intentional? What fruit did I bear? Whom have I witnessed to?

Sophomore year has been a blur - amazing Chapter Camp, amazing internship in Hong Kong, Grandpa's death, a not-so-ideal birthday, Raymond's death, issues with boundaries, Laura White's death, blessed unit2 small group, failing academics, issues with apartment, bonding with sophomore class, discovering the brokenness in our leadership team, in our fellowship.

A lot of transition, a lot of doubt, a lot of insecurity. Feelings of inadequacy. Falling short. Irresponsibility. Lack of standard.

My heart has hardened.
It has been closing more and more.
It is being clouded by bitterness, envy, resentment, dissatisfaction.
I find it harder to be completely transparent. To lay it all out. To trust my brothers and sisters.

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But amidst all this, I am excited.
And I am HOPEFUL.
Because God has been reminding me of His promises.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.

Over and over in Genesis Bible study this semester, we learn of God's commitment to us. The way He takes responsibility for us. The way He never gives up on us. The way He doesn't completely scrap creation and start over. The way He can see long term while we are shortsighted.

We are called to step into faithfulness.
We are called to plant seeds.
And God will handle everything else.

And I am so glad. I am so glad that we don't need to do anything else. Because we just can't.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that God has established a covenant with us. I am thankful for the rainbow - a sign of His commitment to us. It's not a reminder just to us, but a reminder to Him also.

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"Lord, give me the grace to daily lay my life at Your feet. And Lord, don't let me try to pick it back up. Make my burdens heavy, so that they can only fall at Your feet. Help me glorify Your name by throwing all I am at Your feet!!" - mychainsaregoneiamsetfree

God, You know our hearts. You know us. You know every inch of our being, every hair, every thought we've ever had or even will have. Yet You love us the same. You love us the same.

Help me become the best that You have made me to be.

I run to You Father.

Dying to yourself

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

I don't know why I was so scared to share.
I feel so blessed that Wenting and Sarah shared and addressed a lot of the same concerns I had.

I'm trying to figure out why I even feel scared to voice my concerns at the Leaders Meeting. Why do I feel like I don't have agency in this fellowship? I think I've been humbled so much this semester - too humbled almost - where I feel like I am useless, underqualified, unblessed and stripped of gifts that God has given me. I am excited for next semester and the vision that I have for all aspects of my life - academics, unit 2 small group and suitcase clinic.

I feel really frustrated by the lack of standards and accountability with leadership. I am probably guilty of this too. Too often leaders dread going to Sunday meetings or skip it entirely without feeling guilty. Accountability relationships are not as transparent or effective because people are afraid of calling each other out. Promises and commitments are broken. I feel like our fellowship is so broken, and the leadership team has a lot to do with it.

How do we live our lives? How are our own personal relationship with God? We often think that just because we are in leadership that we are at a good point with God. While that may be true at times, we don't seek for more. It's "good enough" - or it's assumed - that we are in a good enough place with God. Nothing should come before our relationship with God. Quiet times and prayer are so essential for God to minister to us personally. How do we expect to lead others if we do not lead by example? It is ironic that it is our leadership positions that prevent us from growing with God. Yes playing with freshmen is important, figuring out details for large group, praying for others. But that does NOT substitute for quiet times and sabbath.

Being in leadership is more than our explicit duties. We have chosen, and we have BEEN chosen. God calls us and we have *responded* to be a leader. We are to be living testaments of God to those in our fellowship, but more importantly, be witnesses to those not in our fellowship and not part of the body of Christ.

I feel like there is so much more than leading - especially this year - than just ministering to my small group or my apartment. I feel like I've ministered to people outside my small group than those in it. I am not perfect, and in no way have I kept up with every part of the covenant, but I have seen the ways that God has used my identity as a "Unit 2 small group leader" to bless my non-Christian friends, the people I work with and serve at Suitcase Clinic, to my high school friends etc. It is too light a thing to just adhere to our responsibilities and follow the covenant. We are called to do so much more. The covenant is only a small part - a suggestion.

There is so much brokenness in our fellowship that I KNOW God will do amazing things next semester. It is amazing how God nudged me to talk to Wenting and Sarah Lee at the meeting, and how we were given the courage to speak up. I don't know if the words came out wrong or whether people are passing judgment on us, but I can only trust that God has given us this heart to want to see Change and Revival. I pray that we will continue to hold truth in our hearts. I pray that our spirits will be renewed daily by Him and that we will keep His vision in sight. I pray that God will empower the three of us to bring about change to our leadership team and our fellowship as a whole. And I am thankful for everyone who was there to hear us out and the people who acknowledged and thanked us for sharing - Connie, Andrew Tai, Richard, Sara Fong.

Father, You have given me so much vision for next semester. Holy Spirit, please come. Please come because I cannot carry on any of this out without You. I am so broken down. Lord You have chipped away every ounce of Pride I have. My being has disappeared. I have been crumbled into nothing. I am ready to be Your vessel, Your tool, Your light and Your Servant. All I want now is You and more of You - Your eyes, Your ears, Your heart, Your wisdom, Your grace. Consume my being and drench me Holy Spirit.

I think I finally understand what it means to lay down my own life and take up the Cross. To grow weak so that God may grow strong. For my heart to break for what breaks His heart. For everything I have - my talents, skills, gifts, knowledge, friendships, relationships, authority, wisdom, discernment, loves, vision, passions, time, communities - everything I have for His Kingdom come.

Thank You Jesus.

The 25 Traits of a Warrior

mr jaime richards is a teacher and life coach from my high school. a very wise and seasoned one. a buncha people look up to him for guidance on happiness and success. he writes a column in our local newspaper called "what it takes". i really like his dec 3rd column describing the characters of his best students.

For years, I had been studying my most successful students. I had a powerful motive. I wanted to learn what made my best kids my best kids, then use that wisdom to better raise my two daughters.

What I learned is that the most successful kids live their lives with a warrior mindset. They aren’t fighting people, though. They’re struggling with enemies common to us all: addiction, apathy, fear, greed, ignorance, jealousy, laziness, mediocrity and peer pressure.

The best, happiest, most successful students wrestle all that evil stuff. They don’t always win, but they battle longer and more bravely than their less successful peers. They fight with “weapons” they were either born with or had instilled into them.

Hard work - Patience - Willingness to do more than expected - Tenacity - Balance - Courage to make tough choices - Confidence - Personal Responsibility - Risk - Creativity with Action - Self discipline - Manners - Activity - Proactivity - Sense of humor - Ambition - Selective Fraternization - Service - Humility - Resilience - Motivation - Social skills - Leadership

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tenacity - to keep fighting
courage to make tough choices - the easy choice is usually wrong
risk - facing your greatest fear, even if it's failure
resilience - get back up after getting knocked down
motivation - goal driven

Do I possess any of these skills? What do I need to work on?
This is who I want to become.

A grab bag of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about "character".
In light of the Haas app and reflection on the semester as we wrap up the year.
Webster defines character as "an attribute that makes up or distinguishes an individual".

I think I have struggled this semester with a lot of the "Who am I?" questions.

In high school, I was always the crazy busy and involved one of our group. Senior year was balancing Interact, volunteering, piano and badminton. My girls would let me stay on campus at lunch to catch up on homework or sneak in a nap. I didn't go out much on the weekend or even playing throughout the week. My excuse? "I'm busy."

Growing up too. It was always easy for me to identify as the "cool girl who hungout with the guys". Even in elementary school, it was really obvious to me that I would rather play wall ball/4 square/basketball than chillax on the monkey bars. Maybe friendship with guys seem easier to me because they're more laidback and low maintenanced. Chipotle runs, trip to Starbucks, just hecka downtime.

I have been hurt and backstabbed in the past by so many girls.. CG CY LW. Maybe that's why I'm more partial with guy relationships? It's been spoken loudly and clear though for me to develop relationships with my Sisters. I am excited to see where God will lead our community. I hope and pray that these will bring healing to what I've suffered from in the past. Jesus, please help us form a community where we are able to mutually edify and support each other.

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I think God has really challenged me since coming to college about WHERE I place my identity and self-worth. I knew I poured in a lot of my heart in extracurriculars and my relationships. I took pride in my time that was utilized well. Too much pride probably. I felt more important than others. I know I took great joy in having those deep heart-to-heart convos with people. I felt instantaneously closer to them. Even if it was some short AIM convo. I would always feel bad about not being able to spend time with people because it seemed like foregoing friendships and bonding and getting closer.

God has shown me that my time is limited and finite. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. I have struggled with time management over the course of this entire semester. I've tried justifying this by small group leading and Suitcase Clinic, only to find that I don't spend much time on either activities. In fact, talking to Harry yesterday night made me realize how unperceptive I am. I take things for their surface value, without critically thinking or analyzing situations. How do you develop those traits though?

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DJ and Peter are two people whom I admire. Sheila, Dan, Ken too. So many of the people I work with at Suitcase have such beautiful hearts. They are willing to listen, and they genuinely care for the clients. DJ and Sheila are seasoned Suitcasers. Talking with Kevin tonight too and just tracing the legacy from Andrew Kronemeyer - Sunny - Kevin - Johan - Sheila - Dan - Eulanca. This finally made me realize: God has given me this heart and placed me in this organization because of the talents and passions that He has placed in me. I need to put in more effort and more time to cultivate this. God please help me be more proactive to learn about this organization and help me develop the skills needed to carry it on.

I want to spend more time with them whether it's hitting up House or helping set up. I can't believe I was close to giving up on this organization because I felt crappy about myself - that I wasn't finding community or developing connections. I always intimidate myself or talk myself out of thinking that these people don't want to talk to me, or I'm not good enough for them.

Same with my small group. I barely spend any time with them during the week because I don't even try. I've struggled like crazy with personal barriers this semester. Barriers I put up that prevent me from enjoying God's goodness - through relationships. My insecurity with myself has hindered me from building long lasting relationships.

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Jesus please help me translate my empathy/care/passions/desire to help others into tangible actions. Actions speak lourder than words. Lord I know You know my heart. Please just open up doors of opportunities. Give me eyes to see where You are leading me.

The book of Galatians talks a lot about faith and freedom. All you hafta do is believe to experience freedom through Christ. Help me believe Your Goodness oh Lord. Give me Your words to speak, Your eyes to see, Your heart to break. I just wanna shake it all off and shed my old self.

God help me cultivate a loving, carring and tender heart to care for others.
Open my eyes to see who and what needs care.
Please bring me healing in the ways that my heart has hardened because of RY JY WC and WL. Please soften it, mold it, break it.
Teach me how to pray for my brothers & sisters. How to care for them in intangible ways - especially through prayer. Equip me with experiences and skills.