grief & healing

Mmm. I love being home.
But even amidst the peace and quiet and comfort, I'm not really sure how to blog this.

Yesterday's Large Group in Wurster was...really good. Probably the heaviest of the school year. Kyle spoke on grief. A lot of it was encouraging us to grieve and trusting God when we do grieve. There were candles set up on the balcony to the side. Carol encouraged us to light them during Reflection as a symbol of acknowledgement that everything isn't all right, that we're okay with it, and that God would be able to shine through the darkness.

I think the message finally struck me and sunk in at the end, when he mentioned things from the past year that we could grieve for - break-ups, broken friendships, expectations that have fallen short. I felt a slight tug at my heart when worship began, and I proceeded up the balcony to light a candle. And then I just sat down, hugged my knees, and cried. I don't think there was a particular reason.. but there was something very healing about sitting there, sobbing and letting those tears flow down my cheeks. Katrina gave me a hug. It just felt really good staying up there for the rest of worship - a really good set with You never let go, Surrender, Blessed be Your name. It was nice just detaching myself from people, but still feeling a part of what was happening.

It was really encouraging to hear Sara share about how God had been working at FROC to begin her process of healing. I think I felt something similar to that.. I grabbed Sars afterwards, sat in a little 'cave' and just talked and prayed. I think that I fall short of the expectations placed on me, or those I place on myself. I feel like I always have to be happy, always the one to start the conversations, always the one to entertain. I'm really hard on myself when I'm sad or down - I feel really dumb because I still feel so crappy despite all of God's blessings and gifts. That just shows the brokenness or our world and inability to even comprehend God's grace and love for us.

My biggest realization from last night - I don't think I healed properly after the breakup with Wes. Sars phrased it so well - I sought temporary relief by "shoving it under the rug". I kept telling myself that I was not going to dwell on it, that I didn't need to be in a relationship, that I needed to move on quickly. This 'improper healing' has manifested with my recent struggle with boys and brother/sister relationships. Sooo many people are praying for me about this (Sars, Jenn, Sara, Vivian, Will, Sonny, Zhong) though, so I just have to be faithful in trusting God.

Sars said that she knows I'll be okay in the end. I know I will be okay in the end. God is just putting me through trials in order for me to grow. I need to continuously remind myself that God is still molding me for my future boyfriend/husband. I need to be patient. I need to wait on God to provide the right time and the right person. I need to trust that He is growing and transforming me to become a faithful daughter in Christ.