a spoiled little sister

My big brothers take such good care of me.

They walk me home at 5am in the morning.
They let me bother them. Every. single. day.
They feed me and reassure me that I'm not fat.
They watch out for me.
They make sure I do my work.
They let me rest when I need it.
They poke fun of me playfully.
And make sure I don't get upset.
They let me poke fun of them. Way too much.
They go along with all the silly things I do.
They let me get excited and giddy.
They are patient with me.
They offer to help me out.
They comfort me.
They pray for me.
They listen to me.
They reassure me through the toughest times.
They always unplug my laptop cord for me and offer to carry my books.
They let me use their cell phone charger and do homework in their desks and nap on their beds.
They go out of their way to make sure I'm comfortable: they set up the router, hook up the printer, change their laptop password, keep the window open for light and leave their doors unlocked just so I could print my paper after an all-nighter at 7am.
They take such good care of me like no one has ever done so before.

They are such a blessing and joy to have in my life. I am so thankful that You have placed them here. I thank You that Your love for me pours out like buckets through them.

God, You never fail to surprise me everyday with Your blessings. I pray that You just bless over our relationships, and that You draw us closer together as we continue to seek You, together. God, may we challenge each other, be vulnerable with each other, love on each other and pray for one another. May I be a blessing to my brothers as much as they have been a blessing to me.

Thank You God that You are moving. Please continue working :)

And now that You’re near
Everything is different
Everything’s so different, Lord
I know I’m not the same
My life You’ve changed
I want to be with You
I want to be with You
- Hillsong United, Now that You're Near

the darkest season

of my life. Right now. Right here.

I want to hunger for something deeper.
I want to lifted from our brokenness, and set to fly on wings like eagles. I want to run and not grow weary. I want to walk and not be faint. Holy Spirit, please descend upon me and consume me.

I am really angry with myself right now. I feel so isolated and alone. I think this is God's way of telling me that I cannot and should not rely on anyone else besides Him. I realize that He is working in my relationships and friendships, but all of us are still human. We are sooo broken that we can't count on each other 100% of the time. We hurt each other (intentionally or not). We are incapable of showing true, perfect love like the way God loves us. God, please reveal to me how I can seek You and serve You. I am so tired of putting up this front with the world. I am sick of failure, pain, fear and rejection. God, please just feed me Your Living Water. Please envelop me in Your Light.

God please shine Your Light on me, so that I can shine it on others.
Please allow me to bless those in my life through Your presence and Your works.

Dad, continue to mold me through these trials and sufferings. For I know that I need to be weak for me to be strong.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
- Matt Redman, "You Never Let Go"

the true source

God, I am really frustrated right now. But I think I know what You're trying to tell me.

I have been overflowing with joy for the past two weeks. I feel like my source of happiness was from the community that You've placed around me. But like Sara's message at the Ark today, we should not be relying on the church, or anyone else. We are to emulate You, Jesus. Cause God, only You are our source of comfort and strength. I know that I prayed and relied and called on You and fed off your Word when I "needed" it during midterms week. I feel like You are calling me to distance myself from the guys I've been hanging out with lately and really returning to You. I need to revive and renew my prayer life, and take more time out to read your Word.

God, may You just be my source of hope and joy. God I thank You for providing me with a ton of community and fellowship for the past few weeks. God I pray that I seek You, and You only.

grief & healing

Mmm. I love being home.
But even amidst the peace and quiet and comfort, I'm not really sure how to blog this.

Yesterday's Large Group in Wurster was...really good. Probably the heaviest of the school year. Kyle spoke on grief. A lot of it was encouraging us to grieve and trusting God when we do grieve. There were candles set up on the balcony to the side. Carol encouraged us to light them during Reflection as a symbol of acknowledgement that everything isn't all right, that we're okay with it, and that God would be able to shine through the darkness.

I think the message finally struck me and sunk in at the end, when he mentioned things from the past year that we could grieve for - break-ups, broken friendships, expectations that have fallen short. I felt a slight tug at my heart when worship began, and I proceeded up the balcony to light a candle. And then I just sat down, hugged my knees, and cried. I don't think there was a particular reason.. but there was something very healing about sitting there, sobbing and letting those tears flow down my cheeks. Katrina gave me a hug. It just felt really good staying up there for the rest of worship - a really good set with You never let go, Surrender, Blessed be Your name. It was nice just detaching myself from people, but still feeling a part of what was happening.

It was really encouraging to hear Sara share about how God had been working at FROC to begin her process of healing. I think I felt something similar to that.. I grabbed Sars afterwards, sat in a little 'cave' and just talked and prayed. I think that I fall short of the expectations placed on me, or those I place on myself. I feel like I always have to be happy, always the one to start the conversations, always the one to entertain. I'm really hard on myself when I'm sad or down - I feel really dumb because I still feel so crappy despite all of God's blessings and gifts. That just shows the brokenness or our world and inability to even comprehend God's grace and love for us.

My biggest realization from last night - I don't think I healed properly after the breakup with Wes. Sars phrased it so well - I sought temporary relief by "shoving it under the rug". I kept telling myself that I was not going to dwell on it, that I didn't need to be in a relationship, that I needed to move on quickly. This 'improper healing' has manifested with my recent struggle with boys and brother/sister relationships. Sooo many people are praying for me about this (Sars, Jenn, Sara, Vivian, Will, Sonny, Zhong) though, so I just have to be faithful in trusting God.

Sars said that she knows I'll be okay in the end. I know I will be okay in the end. God is just putting me through trials in order for me to grow. I need to continuously remind myself that God is still molding me for my future boyfriend/husband. I need to be patient. I need to wait on God to provide the right time and the right person. I need to trust that He is growing and transforming me to become a faithful daughter in Christ.

an abundance of sunshine

I am starting to get obsessive about this blog. Heehee.

Suitcase results came in late last night. :)!
General Clinic:
Clinic Coord- Eulanca
Volunteer Coord- Sona and Jessica
Dental- Austin
Footwashing- Emily and Kimmy
Hair- Edward
SHARE- Galiana
COCA- Garrett and Ken

The dynamics of Suitcase will be different next semester with so many new officers, but I am sooo excited and blessed to be working with this group. Sona and I are not incredibly close [yet], but I'm confident that we'll make a good tag team. I hope we can live up to the amazing work that DJ and Andrew have done for the position this year. I'm really looking forward to everyone in our Unity small group this semester to really step up to these leadership roles.

And of course, I can't wait till Boat Dance tonight!!! I've been excited about this for so long: getting ready with the 2520 seniors, pictures, everyone lookin' fly, dancing the night away, playing with my IV frosh and planning a surprise with the BC kids ;) Talking about this has given me something to look forward to and smile about amidst my bleak academics for the past few weeks.

It also happens to be a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous day today. Thanks for putting all of this together Dad :)

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
- Chris Tomlin, "How Can I Keep from Singing?"

a half-hour deliberation

Today was the Suitcase Clinic elections.
Today was also David Chau's birthday!

It's funny because elections were originally held in Dwinelle, but Admin changed it to Ida Sproul lounge. The entire thing took 4hours. Volunteer Coordinator discussion took a full 30mins. Andy, Sona, Summer and I just chilled in the lobby and chatted. I really like our group! I know that all of us are really tight and we'd all continue volunteering.

I'm really anxious for some reason. And I was really nervous for the speech.
I think it was hard for me to really convey my heart for the underprivileged without really mentioning how all of us are equal in God's eyes and that all of us should fellowship with one another. I'll probably be really disappointed and sad if I didn't get VC, but I just hafta keep remembering that God has everythang planned for me.

I'm really surprised that even amidst all this stress - I am sooo full of joy. It's been like this for an entire semester. I can't wait until Boat Dance tomorrow to play with the IV kids, and this weekend to just chillax at home. I'm really worried about Collide and people showing because it's in competition with Boat Dance. The lighting should be absolutely breathtaking though; surprises every hour, a LASER, fog machines, flood lights. [M]ovement and truelement performances. Dance battle.

Boat Dance is going to be sooo amazing tomorrow. Ya'lls are going to see a completely different side of me ;) I don't know when we're going to hear about election results. I need to pray hard about it so I won't be disappointed if things don't turn out as I had planned.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW!

Be the change that you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

a million and one things

I thought I'd feel this huuuge rush of relief after finishing all my midterms last Thursday, but that didn't happen.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past week or so. My usual bedtime is around 1am if I have to get up for 8am class, but I've been pushing that back later and later. I feel so listless all the time now, almost to the point where it's uncharacteristically me. There's just so much going on right now: apartment hunting, internship paperwork, suitcase elections, boat dance, u3's collide, tying up loose ends of the semester. I still don't know what major I am. I don't know what classes I'm going to take next semester. I don't know where I'm going to live.

I think God is really trying to teach me to trust in Him.
Instead of planning out every hour of my day. Instead of reaching for my planner (whom I refer affectionately to as 'Bessy') every few minutes. Instead of figuring out what I'm going to wear every morning the night before. Part of letting go is really just handing over the steering wheel to God. My life is so much of a routine that I haven't been exploring new sides of God. This just reechoes Erina's message from our first large group of this year: we are to be open to God's surprises. He has been so faithful in answering my prayers in His wonderful, unexpected and perfect timing. He has also been blessing me with amazing insight through many good conversations lately - Steph Yee, David Chau, Jeff Kwong & Stephen Yang, Andrew Hao, Joanne & Vivian, my accountability sisters.

Amidst all this 'stress', God has filled me up with nothing but Joy. I'm in the midst of an amazing two-week span. Last Friday was Alumni LG. Saturday was Freshmen Scavenger Hunt. Sunday was shopping in SF with my favorites. Boat Dance is coming up Thursday, Collide is next Friday. I really pray that God will provide me with lots of rest and patience to bare through the grunt academics final weeks of the semester.

Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord I have come ready for Your touch
It's all for you
It's all for you
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
- Starfield, "All for you"

a new beginning

I was going to wait until my summer trip to Hong Kong to create this, but I couldn't wait. It's been a really long time since I journaled online. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do with this blog yet. We'll just have to wait and see where it takes me :)