Dying to yourself

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

I don't know why I was so scared to share.
I feel so blessed that Wenting and Sarah shared and addressed a lot of the same concerns I had.

I'm trying to figure out why I even feel scared to voice my concerns at the Leaders Meeting. Why do I feel like I don't have agency in this fellowship? I think I've been humbled so much this semester - too humbled almost - where I feel like I am useless, underqualified, unblessed and stripped of gifts that God has given me. I am excited for next semester and the vision that I have for all aspects of my life - academics, unit 2 small group and suitcase clinic.

I feel really frustrated by the lack of standards and accountability with leadership. I am probably guilty of this too. Too often leaders dread going to Sunday meetings or skip it entirely without feeling guilty. Accountability relationships are not as transparent or effective because people are afraid of calling each other out. Promises and commitments are broken. I feel like our fellowship is so broken, and the leadership team has a lot to do with it.

How do we live our lives? How are our own personal relationship with God? We often think that just because we are in leadership that we are at a good point with God. While that may be true at times, we don't seek for more. It's "good enough" - or it's assumed - that we are in a good enough place with God. Nothing should come before our relationship with God. Quiet times and prayer are so essential for God to minister to us personally. How do we expect to lead others if we do not lead by example? It is ironic that it is our leadership positions that prevent us from growing with God. Yes playing with freshmen is important, figuring out details for large group, praying for others. But that does NOT substitute for quiet times and sabbath.

Being in leadership is more than our explicit duties. We have chosen, and we have BEEN chosen. God calls us and we have *responded* to be a leader. We are to be living testaments of God to those in our fellowship, but more importantly, be witnesses to those not in our fellowship and not part of the body of Christ.

I feel like there is so much more than leading - especially this year - than just ministering to my small group or my apartment. I feel like I've ministered to people outside my small group than those in it. I am not perfect, and in no way have I kept up with every part of the covenant, but I have seen the ways that God has used my identity as a "Unit 2 small group leader" to bless my non-Christian friends, the people I work with and serve at Suitcase Clinic, to my high school friends etc. It is too light a thing to just adhere to our responsibilities and follow the covenant. We are called to do so much more. The covenant is only a small part - a suggestion.

There is so much brokenness in our fellowship that I KNOW God will do amazing things next semester. It is amazing how God nudged me to talk to Wenting and Sarah Lee at the meeting, and how we were given the courage to speak up. I don't know if the words came out wrong or whether people are passing judgment on us, but I can only trust that God has given us this heart to want to see Change and Revival. I pray that we will continue to hold truth in our hearts. I pray that our spirits will be renewed daily by Him and that we will keep His vision in sight. I pray that God will empower the three of us to bring about change to our leadership team and our fellowship as a whole. And I am thankful for everyone who was there to hear us out and the people who acknowledged and thanked us for sharing - Connie, Andrew Tai, Richard, Sara Fong.

Father, You have given me so much vision for next semester. Holy Spirit, please come. Please come because I cannot carry on any of this out without You. I am so broken down. Lord You have chipped away every ounce of Pride I have. My being has disappeared. I have been crumbled into nothing. I am ready to be Your vessel, Your tool, Your light and Your Servant. All I want now is You and more of You - Your eyes, Your ears, Your heart, Your wisdom, Your grace. Consume my being and drench me Holy Spirit.

I think I finally understand what it means to lay down my own life and take up the Cross. To grow weak so that God may grow strong. For my heart to break for what breaks His heart. For everything I have - my talents, skills, gifts, knowledge, friendships, relationships, authority, wisdom, discernment, loves, vision, passions, time, communities - everything I have for His Kingdom come.

Thank You Jesus.

The 25 Traits of a Warrior

mr jaime richards is a teacher and life coach from my high school. a very wise and seasoned one. a buncha people look up to him for guidance on happiness and success. he writes a column in our local newspaper called "what it takes". i really like his dec 3rd column describing the characters of his best students.

For years, I had been studying my most successful students. I had a powerful motive. I wanted to learn what made my best kids my best kids, then use that wisdom to better raise my two daughters.

What I learned is that the most successful kids live their lives with a warrior mindset. They aren’t fighting people, though. They’re struggling with enemies common to us all: addiction, apathy, fear, greed, ignorance, jealousy, laziness, mediocrity and peer pressure.

The best, happiest, most successful students wrestle all that evil stuff. They don’t always win, but they battle longer and more bravely than their less successful peers. They fight with “weapons” they were either born with or had instilled into them.

Hard work - Patience - Willingness to do more than expected - Tenacity - Balance - Courage to make tough choices - Confidence - Personal Responsibility - Risk - Creativity with Action - Self discipline - Manners - Activity - Proactivity - Sense of humor - Ambition - Selective Fraternization - Service - Humility - Resilience - Motivation - Social skills - Leadership

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tenacity - to keep fighting
courage to make tough choices - the easy choice is usually wrong
risk - facing your greatest fear, even if it's failure
resilience - get back up after getting knocked down
motivation - goal driven

Do I possess any of these skills? What do I need to work on?
This is who I want to become.

A grab bag of Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot about "character".
In light of the Haas app and reflection on the semester as we wrap up the year.
Webster defines character as "an attribute that makes up or distinguishes an individual".

I think I have struggled this semester with a lot of the "Who am I?" questions.

In high school, I was always the crazy busy and involved one of our group. Senior year was balancing Interact, volunteering, piano and badminton. My girls would let me stay on campus at lunch to catch up on homework or sneak in a nap. I didn't go out much on the weekend or even playing throughout the week. My excuse? "I'm busy."

Growing up too. It was always easy for me to identify as the "cool girl who hungout with the guys". Even in elementary school, it was really obvious to me that I would rather play wall ball/4 square/basketball than chillax on the monkey bars. Maybe friendship with guys seem easier to me because they're more laidback and low maintenanced. Chipotle runs, trip to Starbucks, just hecka downtime.

I have been hurt and backstabbed in the past by so many girls.. CG CY LW. Maybe that's why I'm more partial with guy relationships? It's been spoken loudly and clear though for me to develop relationships with my Sisters. I am excited to see where God will lead our community. I hope and pray that these will bring healing to what I've suffered from in the past. Jesus, please help us form a community where we are able to mutually edify and support each other.

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I think God has really challenged me since coming to college about WHERE I place my identity and self-worth. I knew I poured in a lot of my heart in extracurriculars and my relationships. I took pride in my time that was utilized well. Too much pride probably. I felt more important than others. I know I took great joy in having those deep heart-to-heart convos with people. I felt instantaneously closer to them. Even if it was some short AIM convo. I would always feel bad about not being able to spend time with people because it seemed like foregoing friendships and bonding and getting closer.

God has shown me that my time is limited and finite. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. I have struggled with time management over the course of this entire semester. I've tried justifying this by small group leading and Suitcase Clinic, only to find that I don't spend much time on either activities. In fact, talking to Harry yesterday night made me realize how unperceptive I am. I take things for their surface value, without critically thinking or analyzing situations. How do you develop those traits though?

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DJ and Peter are two people whom I admire. Sheila, Dan, Ken too. So many of the people I work with at Suitcase have such beautiful hearts. They are willing to listen, and they genuinely care for the clients. DJ and Sheila are seasoned Suitcasers. Talking with Kevin tonight too and just tracing the legacy from Andrew Kronemeyer - Sunny - Kevin - Johan - Sheila - Dan - Eulanca. This finally made me realize: God has given me this heart and placed me in this organization because of the talents and passions that He has placed in me. I need to put in more effort and more time to cultivate this. God please help me be more proactive to learn about this organization and help me develop the skills needed to carry it on.

I want to spend more time with them whether it's hitting up House or helping set up. I can't believe I was close to giving up on this organization because I felt crappy about myself - that I wasn't finding community or developing connections. I always intimidate myself or talk myself out of thinking that these people don't want to talk to me, or I'm not good enough for them.

Same with my small group. I barely spend any time with them during the week because I don't even try. I've struggled like crazy with personal barriers this semester. Barriers I put up that prevent me from enjoying God's goodness - through relationships. My insecurity with myself has hindered me from building long lasting relationships.

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Jesus please help me translate my empathy/care/passions/desire to help others into tangible actions. Actions speak lourder than words. Lord I know You know my heart. Please just open up doors of opportunities. Give me eyes to see where You are leading me.

The book of Galatians talks a lot about faith and freedom. All you hafta do is believe to experience freedom through Christ. Help me believe Your Goodness oh Lord. Give me Your words to speak, Your eyes to see, Your heart to break. I just wanna shake it all off and shed my old self.

God help me cultivate a loving, carring and tender heart to care for others.
Open my eyes to see who and what needs care.
Please bring me healing in the ways that my heart has hardened because of RY JY WC and WL. Please soften it, mold it, break it.
Teach me how to pray for my brothers & sisters. How to care for them in intangible ways - especially through prayer. Equip me with experiences and skills.

Choosing Life

hi blog it's been awhile.

this semester has been really hard. getting stretched so much. struggling in school. questioning my passions, my gifts, my desires, my goals. humbling myself to a point where i felt hollow and empty. really relying on my community, my brothers & sisters, to lift me up in prayer.

for some reason last night, i felt life.
i felt peace. peace in the sense that it's okay to be where i'm at. it's okay to not have everything together, to have a crapload of schoolwork to catch up on. to have imperfect relationships. i had been so weighed down by my inadequacies and failed expectations that i was blind to the ways God has created me to be a blessing upon others. i am thankful for the conversations post-lg, at our unofficial frosh game night, planning sleepover, and even through aim.

i am reminded of chapter camp. isaiah 49:6.
"it is too light a thing for you to work in your unit 2 small group. i will use you to do greater things. i want to you to love on everyone around you. every person you encounter. i want you to be my messenger of peace. i want you to be a blessing to your sisters, your apartment mates, your class and your community. i want you to choose life. i just want you to be happy." (flashback dennis cole's talk at interpraise)

i want to choose freedom. during leaders meeting yesterday, mattkim defined sin not as breaking laws, but a barrier that disallows us to become who God made us to be. genesis 9:7. "as for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." freedom is not to do whatever we want, but to be able to run into God's embrace and wholeheartedly fulfill His call for me. freedom to do His work.

God thank You for instilling passion in me again. thank You for helping me feel like myself again. thank You for granting me ambition. i am tired of doing this on my own.

genesis 11:4. "come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered upon the face of the whole earth". God i don't want to run away from Your command to us. You are a God who embraces unity yet celebrates diversity. God i confess of the ways i have tried to take fate into my own hands, to try to build this tower, to try to play 'god'. please use me in my brokenness to make a name for You, to GLORIFY You.

matthew 16:21-22. "from that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 'never, Lord!' he said. 'this shall never happen to you!'"

God i confess of the ways that i have rebuked You. my longings of wanting to be a visible leader in this fellowship. God we know that we are short-sighted and that You can see the long term. God you know my heart. i lay myself at your feet. i surrender. i surrender control. i surrender the futile actions i take to try to please You. God please shatter my expectations, because You are good, and Your plans for us are good.

jeremiah 29:11. "for i know the plans i have for you. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God please give me the eyes to see what You have in store for me.

luke 22:42. "yet not my will, but yours be done." God i've been reduced to nothing. i come before you, humbly, as your servant. may Your Spirit consume my soul. may every fibre in my body move to glorify You. may my thoughts be Yours, may my heart break like Yours, may my eyes see as You do.

speak into the gaps Lord. provide what i need. help me choose life.

superdisorganizedpost

Tuesday. June 3rd, 2008. 11:25PM. Hong Kong.

Tomorrow will be my first day at work!
I will be leaving Kwai Chung MTR station at approximately 8am, and will be arriving at the American Consulate General on Garden Road at 9:30am.

The past two weeks have flown by so quickly that I haven't even had a chance to process anything at all. Lack of sleep during finals week transferred over to Chapter Camp, which then transferred to this past weekend when I crashed pretty much the entire time. And now after a 14hr flight (~9hrs sleeping, 3hrs movie, 1hr for two meals), I'm halfway across the world.

I wish I had more time to spend reflecting on a Chapter Camp post because it was so so so good. A lot of it was alone time (with God), kind of spent isolated from everyone else. I absolutely loved the passages we went through in Isaiah (40-55ish). The imagery of the majestic effortless eagle, barren wilderness/desert, leveling topography, bow/arrow and knife, idols, the Lord and I having each other's names on the palms of our hands. Powerful images. Being in the presence of nature and God's creation was absolutely breathtaking: shooting stars, the blue sky, calm oceans, sound of the waves, kayaking amongst seals/fish/dolphins, cool sand during beach volleyball, cold rocks, palm tree silhouettes, sunrise from the Way of the Cross.

I am also excited and scared at the same time for Small Group Leading. That pair of emotions pretty much describes all that I'm feeling about everything haha. I'm really happy with Unit 2; I knew it was always in my heart :). And although I don't know my co-leaders very well at the moment, I can't to see the ways that God will work to bring Olivia, Aaron, Becky and me together to foster a community next year. I am so blessed to be amongst this (mostly new) group of leaders because I know all of us have big shoes to fill after the seniors and the old leaders. Track was the first time I really led a Bible study, and I can't say it was very easy. But yay for Jamie and Mike who helped me work through it :)

Jetlag is getting the better part of me, so I am heading to bed now.
All I can say to sum up Chapter Camp was God was so so SO faithful in answering my prayers from that first day at Retreat of Silence. That last day was so good :)