lifted up on wings like eagles

breaking the cycle

2009-06-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

i need to 'break' this cycle.

breaks are always hard for me because i don't know what to do with myself.

home is my haven - all i want to do is lounge around the house, read, watch friends and just... vege. i get really bad about returning calls and sending emails and calling up people because i just need to ESCAPE. escape from berkeley where i am doing work all the time. escape from having to busy myself. escape from having to intentionally build relationships with people. escape from having to fulfill duties.

i started reading this book called 'getting things done' that talks about the ways we handle stress and obtain peace of mind. the way we balance our work. except work is no longer just defined as our job or school - it's a mesh of everything we need to get done: long term/short term, personal or work life. whether that's studying for a class, cleaning our room, planning for our next vacation, emailing a friend. anythinggg. it made me realize just how preoccupied my mind is allll the time by this idea of work. that i always have to be doing something. that i never have time to just HANG OUT or CHILL or SIT STILL with friends. meeting up with people became an obligation, to hafta have a productive or meaningful conversation, to become 'closer'.

Jesus, i am urging you and inviting you to help me break this cycle of workworkwork/overwhelming myself myself at berkeley, and then coming home to fremont to vege. remind me that You are a god who values rests but at the same time, You created man to not be alone or idle. help me find that balance.

and i am again reminded of mary/martha.

Jesus please help me place my relationship with You above all else.

i am also trying to grasp this idea of Jesus being my lover.

that i am His beloved, His object of love and affection.

that my primary identity is to be LOVED ON by Jesus.

to sit still and soak that in... that He calls me His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased.

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God has been doing this transformative work in me for allll year long. He has been stripping away this false self that i had been creating, one whom i had been placing my value in. this false self who was always busy, always doing, always having so much on her plate.

He drove that point loud and clear today. a friend of mine asked me to dinner, and when i texted her back saying yes, she was surprised because she was sure i was going to say no.

no more of this - no more of sacrificing relationships because i see them as a burden. no more being weighed down. no more having to do and fulfill and feeling obligated.

God sees me the clearest. and with that He has given me a new identity.

we talk about that a lot... Jesus transforming and calling us by a new name. but chapter camp -

manuscript and erina&jamie's prayers - helped me grasp more of that tangibly. i am again learning about my value and my worth in the Kingdom. i am learning about the beauty that He has bestowed upon me when He created me.

He is naming me as His princess.

shooot. i am ROYALTY in His Kingdom. i am precious. i am treasured.

and He has invited me to His super grand castle. where i can bask and bask in His glory. forever!

i don't wanna ever hafta run away anymore.

from my obligations, from schoolwork, from people, from God. i never want to be afraid of what God has called me to do- whether that's small group leading, caring for my parents, coordinating for Suitcase, learning what it means to be a good roommate/friend/gf.

i don't want to hide from Him.

i want to remember that He is always with me, always watching me. that He is there for me. that He is my friend. that He KNOWS me.

and i don't want to seek refuge and strength in anyone else but Him.

i want to feel ALIVE. alive in the sense that what i'm doing is purposeful, meaningful and joyful.

and the only way to do that is to partner with Him in ALL that i do. and to do these things by HIS strength. HE should be my haven, HE should be my source.

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so Jesus, help me learn how to not overwhelm myself.

help me obtain that peace of mind through You.

help me learn how to give things to You.

help me not view my commitments as obligations, but opportunities to partner with You and the Holy Spirit. help me never forget that.

give me EYES to SEE feel touch taste experience Your glory.

identity

2009-04-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

expectations.

unrealistic expectations.

where do they come from?

they are not from Him. they are not from my family. they are not from anyone around me.

the need to be perfect, to stretch myself sooo thin.

to do my best. to do the impossible.

perfect.

what does it mean to be perfect?

the perfect student. friend. roommate. girlfriend. sister. sister-in-christ. daughter. small group leader. volunteer. volunteer coordinator. ugsi. coleader.

so many different roles. so many hats.

are there that many?

why can't i excel at any of them?

burnt out.

i hate those two words.

suffocating. tired. DONE.

i never wanted to admit i was burnt out. i wanted to be the one to bring life. to bring joy.

pride?

success.

yoked to the world.

burdens of the world.

taking advantage of opportunities.

forgetting that God transcends opportunities.

forgetting that He is not limited.

His gifts are abundant. good. plentiful.

that He is generous.

daughter.

i am finally reminded of my identity.

this is what He calls me.

genesis 1:27 - i am made in His image.

psalm 139:14 - i am fearfully and wonderfully made.

exodus 19:5-6 - i am treasured.

isaiah 43:4 - i will not be put to shame.

colossians 3:12 - i am chosen.

1 corinthians 2:16 - i have His mind.

romans 8:28 - i am called for His purpose.

mark 1:11 - i am His beloved.

isaiah 43:4 - i am precious and honored in His sight.

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luke 10: 38-42

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that mys ister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

hi Jesus.

thanks for reminding me through kathy khang's essay in 'more than serving tea' that my relationship with You comes first. thank You for showing me that even though Martha was being hospitable and doing what was culturally and socially expected at the time, You call us to be like Mary and to SIT. still. at Your feet.

Lord Jesus, teach me how to be obedient to You. teach me how to say 'no'. teach me how much more important it is for me to BE. rather than to DO. teach me how to radically declare my faith and live out my foremost calling as Your daughter. teach me not to run towards, or run away my many roles, but to first choose to be Your disciple.

please teach me about grace, courage, freedom.

please walk along side me, carry me and love on me.

please open my eyes to see the blessings and relationships that You have gifted me. they are all soooo good Jesus.

please soften my heart so i can receive grace and love.

please tear down my pride so i can be refilled again.

make me whole!

-----------

why don't you see things through God's eyes?

can you try to let others care about you?

thank you.

-----------

philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

burdens. joy. peace.

healing

2009-03-16T18:50:00.001-07:00

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Luke 8:48

Patience

2009-03-12T04:27:00.000-07:00

I am soooo in need of Grace right now.

Help me WAIT for You.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Help me TRUST in You.

The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,

a stronghold in times of trouble.

Those who know your name will trust in you,

for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:9-10

Teach me how to be PATIENT.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, does not boast, is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 14:4-7

Reveal to me any DEBT I need cancelled (Luke 7)

Reveal to me any sin in need of REPENTANCE.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise,

as some understand slowness.

He is patient with you,

not wanting anyone to perish,

but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

Fill me with CONFIDENCE in Your Word.

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Psalm 27:14

Fill me with EVERLASTING. JOY.

The ransomed of the Lord will return.

They will enter Zion with singing;

everlasting joy will crown their heads.

gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Isaiah 51: 11

Hear my cries, God.

I am so tired. Ground me in Your Word. Ground me in Your Truth. Remind me of Your Promises. Remind me of Your perfect timing and the good things You have in store for us.

Waiting. Trusting. Patience. Repentance. Confidence. Everlasting joy.

Answered prayers

2009-03-09T05:42:00.001-07:00

Who among the gods is like you - O Lord?

Who is like you -

Majestic in holiness,

awesome in glory,

working wonders?

Exodus 15:11 (Jan Time Bible study)

Jesus, You leave me speechless.

I am SO EXCITED, sooo so excited for the ways that You will be working! I can't even go to sleep right now God. I can't even begin to praise You and thank You for these intricacies in Your plan for me. I can just picture You, so pleased with Your creation, so pleased with Your sovereignty. Smiling down on us. :)

You surprise me daily.

I couldn't have imagined just how and when You would be answering my prayers last semester.

And it's only now that I realized how You have been molding me daily.

Thank You for hearing me Abba.

I prayed for Life.

I prayed for restoration and renewal.

I prayed for JOY.

I prayed that I would be able to dance and sing for You.

I prayed that I would learn how to love You wholeheartedly.

I prayed that I would be transformed by Your Word.

And You've answered these prayers and blessed me thousands of times over.

"I will do the very thing that you have asked;

for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name."

Exodus 32:17 (Jan Time Bible study)

I can't believe how things have fallen place.

It is UNMISTAKABLE that You are behind all this. Only You can orchestrate something like this. It is so incredible and beautiful. Sooo beautiful.

I am so thankful that YOU are God.

I am so thankful for Your perfect timing.

I am so thankful that You know my inmost being, the desires of my heart.

I am so thankful that You are my Creator and my Dad.

I am so thankful that You have placed in me my passions.

I am so thankful that You call me Your beloved daughter with whom You are well pleased.

I am so thankful that You never give us more than we can handle.

I am so thankful that You are my Provider, my Prince of Peace.

I am so thankful for Your Victory on the Cross - for the mercy, grace and salvation it brings.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be moved, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10

I pray for holistic transformation.

I pray for transparency, honesty and vulnerability.

I pray for wisdom, discernment and open ears&hearts.

I pray that we will continue to find favor in Your sight.

I pray for COMPLETE dependence on You.

I pray that You will remember the promises You made to Your people.

I pray that You will remain faithful to us. :)

I will open up my heart

and let the Healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth,

and I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of

when Your love came down

I could sing of Your love forever.

Lightning, Wedding Dresses, Photosynthesis

2009-03-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU JESUS.

This story is so fragmented, yet all its separate pieces just falls in place . That just attests to the crazy ways that our God works. It is just so exciting, breathtaking, unconventional, countercultural and brilliant. I think my semester has finally started coming together. This might just be the breakthrough I've been praying for!! :)

---

Back in January during our Jan Time retreat, our leadership team spent three days casting vision for this upcoming semester. We studied Exodus and explored our new identities - as God's treasured possession (Exodus 19:5) and priests of His Kingdom (Exodus 19:6). We spent the last morning looking at Exodus 36, the passage with the Building of the Tabernacle.

Some of the Ark folk came and held a Prophecy workshop. Dennis Cole talked about how prophecy is really just communication with God. How it is letting Him take control of our imagination - whether that comes in the form of images, song lyrics, a verse or even a word. Christina Hisel led our group and we had a chance to get prayed for and pray for others. When it was my turn, everyone laid hands on me and began to prophecy. Christina saw a burst of lightning strike in the middle of the night. "Trust. Keep walking in the darkness." Sara saw a dark sky. Sarah was reminded of the passage of Peter walking on water. Matt heard "I believe". Connie saw me flying a rainbow kite (covenant) in the wind (Spirit).

We wrapped up the retreat with communal prayer after studying the Tabernacle passage. During those ~45mins, God gave me a very clear and complex vision. I shared with Sara Fong and Erina afterwards and they prayed for me.

The Lord will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:11-12 (Isaiah 58 kept popping up in my head during Ark worship)

The vision showed a small green plant sprouting. The leaves were deep, deep dark green. It kept growing and growing. The angle shifted so a row of plants were visible. Hands from both sides plucked these plants. The angle panned out once again to where plants could be seen everywhereee. They were so abundant! And green! And then God placed a rainbow at the horizon, promising me that He will bring new Life to our fellowship this semester. And Erina said that first small green plant might even be me.

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Yet you have a few people who have not soiled their clothes.

They will walk with me, dressed in white, for they are worthy.

He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white.

I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and the angels.

Revelation 3:4-5 (Suky's sermon)

I have been a lot more proactive about asking for prayer during Large Group reflection time this semester. I asked Erina to pray for me after our opening message about the Power of Prayer. She had a vision of me in a wedding dress that was dirty and torn. "God is going to give you a new dress - a white and pure one. And He wants to make you His Bride." The vision was casted back in January; Suky's sermon two months later finally confirmed it. I want to be a beautiful and beloved Bride of Christ. I want to learn how to have a pure heart and a gracious tongue (Proverbs 22:11).

---

You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Romans 6:4

We've been going over a "Good News" series in Large Group.

This past Friday Pastor Andrew Hoffman spoke on Romans 6:15-23 about Good News for Bondage. He talked about God making us new. About how a lot of us are like pasta that's still boiling - we are cooked on the outside, but the water hasn't seeped into the inside yet. Kinda like the Gospel hasn't seeped into our being yet. God frees us from sin and sets us back on a path of righteousness. This gives us new purpose in life. To align everything that He's given us back to Him - because all of our beings and everything we have is His anyway. I journaled during reflection time. It's not very eloquent prose, but my prayer to God nonetheless.

Lord I think I am just afraid of failure, of not being a good steward of all that You've given me. Lord I am afraid that I will miss the opportunities and not take advantage of the resources You've granted me. God may You remind me that Your life and Your gifts are abundant. Remind me that You are Generous with Your Gifts. Remind me that You have given me an abundance of goodness and that You will continue to do so. Remind me that You transcend all, that time is not a limiting factor. Help me grow in faith and trust that Your Will will be done no matter what.

It hit me later that night when the sophomores got together to play Settlers/Egyptian War. And I got super angry at myself because I wasn't winning. I was playing games of the world (Bobby Lee). And God reminded me that He has placed 5 this drive to succeed, this drive to be the best at whatever I do. He has placed in me all these dreams and goals and desires. But He also reminded me that it's okay to be where I'm at - it's okay to not know where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's okay to not be doing as well as I'd like in school, to not be the 'coolest' small group leader, to not feel 'close and intimate' with everyone in the sophomore class, to not have to devote even more time to Suitcase Clinic. That He loves me just as I am, in my broken, humbled state. That is a HUGE.

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Lord, I love how You are speaking to me through images this semester. I am thankful for the revelations that You whisper to me at The Ark. I am thankful that I have finally experienced what it means for Your Word to come alive.

I pray for Life. I pray for Your Living Water that brings Life, to quench our thirst. I pray that you will stir up a hunger for Your Word as our food and sustenance. I pray that You will stir up a fire to know You and seek after You and chase after Your heart. I pray that You will ignite a passion inside us. I pray You will teach us how to be Light.

(i just realized how nerdy this comment is, but oh wells. anyhow, even this prayer is sooo counterintuitive - photosynethesis usually begins with light, and in combination with water and 'food', will result in a plant. but this is backwards!!!)

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:8

I so desperately want to be that well-watered garden, that tree planted by a spring that never runs out. I want to be so deeply rooted in the Lord. I want to bear delicious and plump fruit. All day.

And even though this entry is soo fragmented and took hours to churn out, Lord I am sososo thankful that You know my heart. And Lord even if no one understands what I'm saying, I know You see my spirit dancing and celebrating. Help me remember Your Goodness.

Thank You for accepting my imperfect heart, Abba :) It's all Yours.

Walter A. Haas School of Business

2009-02-11T09:43:00.001-08:00

THANK YOU, JESUS!!!

All power and glory and honor unto You and only You.

Desires of my heart

2009-02-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 37: 4-7

Guide me so my heart and my plans are in line with Yours.

Show me where you want to take me Jesus.

Happy Birthday James

2009-02-06T03:04:00.000-08:00

Another dinner. Another night.

Another evening spent at the Ghetto.

I was worried because I hadn't seen him this past week at Clinic. I'd been walking by the Ghetto more often, but I still hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of his familiar face. Maybe he's at his girlfriend's. She's been going through some rough times.

There was a stack of crates, but no one there.

------

Mandarin House. My first time there.

We had a good meal. Spirit was with us, Hand on us, just like we had asked before the meal.

Basketball. Suitcase. Friends.

It had been a long day, a long week in general. I had been feeling so exhausted, so drained. So contrary to the vision of Life I had at Jan Time retreat.

A man walks in carrying a dollar bill.

Do you have a dollar for me? Just one. Please.

Sorry. I lost my wallet today. - Legitimate.

I don't have one, sorry. - That was a lie.

The man walks to the cashier. The lady quickly shoos him out.

He wanders to the next restaurant outside.

-----

I usually don't give people money. It makes them dependent on others.

I like to talk with them. Or give them food.

The encounter quickly slips from my mind.

------

Half of my Szechuan Chicken left over.

I asked the lady cleaning the table next to us for a box.

Scooped the rice in and laid the chicken on top. Lunch for Friday. Box was packed to the brim.

I could give it to that man who just walked out!

-----

I stepped outside and looked both ways frantically. I peered through the windows of each restaurant. No sign.

I made my way out onto Durant to see if he was there.

He wasn't. And instead, there was another man sitting in his place.

Have you had dinner yet? I motioned to my takeout box.

Yes I would like to have it. He reaches for the bag - he had misheard me.

Thank you so much - God bless. Do either of you guys believe in Christ?

A firm Yes echoed in unison.

Can you pray for me? Today's mah birthday. Can you pray over me? It's mah birthday.

And then we laid our hands on him.

-----

Your love is beautiful

We praised Him for the way He had made him.

We praised Him for his continued hope and joy.

We praised Him for the goodness that He has in store for him.

We prayed that the Spirit would be upon him wherever he goes.

We prayed that he would be reminded that He shed His Blood for him. That He loves him.

We prayed a blessing over his special day and for every day thereafter.

I was caught offguard. So caught offguard I barely remembered to ask the Spirit to give me words to speak. I was ashamed, embarrassed, even a bit frustrated that words did not flow out freely. But it's okay because the other one of us had so relied on the Spirit and prayed earnestly.

It's the reason why I sing.

Another snippet of His heart. Another snap shot.

Another glimpse through the curtains to see His brilliance.

Another time my heart broke like His.

Another time my lips spoke His words.

Another time my cheeks smiled His smile.

Another time He revealed Himself.

Another time His presence was made known.

Another time to worship His goodness, His grace and His love.

All around the world, let the praise begin.

The man on the crate

2009-02-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

A priceless gift.

1/30 10PM. We finally walked outta 10 Evans. Usual Friday night hangout after Large Group.

The air was crisp and refreshing. Laughter hung in the air - traces of the Spirit still lingering on from a powerful night.

We head over to Asian Ghetto for some boba and Steve's.

I'm digging the Tupac, man.

He was sitting in his usual spot outside the Ghetto. Music blasting from his new stereo. He had told me on Tuesday that he bought it no less than a week ago.

I break away from the crowd and head over to his stack of crates.

He starts telling me about his girlfriend. How surprised he was to see me - he had mentioned my name talking to someone earlier that day. He was from Suitcase, but he had forgotten his name. I ran through a few names. He still couldn't remember.

Little tidbits of conversations. Snapshots and glimpses into his life.

A girl walks over with some fresh popcorn chicken from Sweetheart's.

Would you like some? I had dinner already.

He declines, politely, saying that he too, already had dinner.

No really - she insists.

Thank you very much. God bless.

He accepts, somewhat reluctantly, but still graciously. He sets them next down in the bottom-most crate in the stack.

He asks me about Suitcase Clinic and how everything was going. We're looking into new services - lots of them. HIV education, TB testing...

A worker from Kingpin Donuts walks over with a pink box in hand. He stops in front of us, and bows his head so slightly, presenting the box to him.

No naw man, I can't take these.

Here. They are for you. Please.

Naw, naw man. I can't have sweets.

Please.

Again he accepts, ever so reluctantly but still so graciously.

After the man walked back into the shop, he looked straight into my eyes.

Take em Jess. You got to. I can't take stuff like this. I'm on a diet remember!

We go back and forth. I can't take it. I can't take it.

In the end, he shoves the dozen into my arms.

Go and share 'em with your friends now. I'll see you next week, yeah?

-----

I am ... still speechless.

The more I think about, the more I grow in awe of what a beautiful moment that I had witnessed. Participated in. Became a part of.

A homeless man just gave you a dozen donuts Jess. I'm trying to help put it into perspective for you!

I didn't even need my roommate to.

Part of me was numb, part of me went frantic. Part of me was overwhelmed, part of me guilty, part of me just.. didn't know if that was doing the right thing.

All I remember was just carrying this smile - a genuine smile - on my face as I turned towards the Ghetto and walked around to offer them to everyone. IV kids, strangers.

What's the catch? they all asked.

None- just say thanks to the man sitting on the crate.

I walked around offering donuts not of my own. Each of them carried a little piece of the baker's heart, of his heart. And all I did was deliver some of that joy right along.

A full day has passed already, but I am still learning from his simple action.

One simple act of giving.

I had prayed earlier that night, as Ryan Longfield prayed for us, for God to blow up our image of Him.

This box of donuts - this gift, this one gift - is as priceless as God's Gift to humanity.

A man who has been seasoned on the streets. One who combats theft, betrayal, neglect daily. He was still able to give willingly and accept graciously. He is able to walk the streets with joy, with -dignity, with hope. He continues to walk on and journey on, together with us. And I was able to witness that and to be part of it.

That - like Dick Hoyt's unconditional sacrifice and love for his son - is just this tiny, microscopic glimpse that mirrors God's love for us. How powerful, undescribable and beautiful His love is!

Thank You Spirit for stirring up joy in my heart. For allowing my tears to flow freely. For being our FATHER in Heaven. I am praying so hard for You. Longing so much for You.

-------

If beautiful moments like this can be orchestrated here on Earth, how wonderful life must be in Heaven! I can't wait to join you up there Ray, but until then, I've still got some Kingdom business to take care of down here.

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by your side

I remember when they played this at your memorial service. I had been numb from pain, numb from any feelings, numb from sadness, regret when the testimonies were given. Numb to the point where I was angry and frustrated that I sat there at the side of the room expressionless and disconnected. I was afraid of even looking at you. Of seeing your face. I averted my eyes to the slideshow of all your pictures - some I had seen, most that I hadn't. Your childhood, days in Taiwan, days in MMA...

I was selfish, and I wanted to keep you here. My heart had hardened. I was incapable of mourning, incapable of feeling or reacting towards your departure into a better place.

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

But when this song played, it broke me down. They flowed freely. I wondered how much you had thought about this. Whether this would've even crossed your mind. Whether your thirst for life and its wonderful joys and intricacies had the power to mask over these questions. I wonder how you are spending your time now, playing with all the angels in bliss :). Sitting at His right hand. Being welcomed home by trumpets and singing. God smiling, pleased that you were so faithful to complete His work in so short a time - 19 years.

Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still

When I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

And this is why I am reminded of this song God. "Your Kingdom come, Your will be done". You've shown me a glimpse of Your Kingdom right here, right now. It's so tangible. And all flesh shall see the salvation of God - from Luke 3:6 Bible study last week.

And all I want to do Lord, is forever, forever worship you.

resolution

2009-01-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:15-17

Today, Pastor Chris Yen preached at Chinese for Christ Church - CFCC Hayward - about the temptations of the world from 1 John.

The cravings of sinful man -the preoccupation with our physical needs. His visit to Las Vegas embodied his realizations - how we are a culture consumed with living in excess, with glam and over-the-top glitz.
The lust of his eyes -cravings and accumulation of material things. We try to fill our emptiness with stuff - how they are a temporary satisfaction, the way tylenol temporarily solves our headaches.
Boasting of what he has and does - obsession with our non-existent status and pride. We flirt our way into acceptance by this world by putting up an image and facade of success.

So why were these specific three things included?
==> They were the same three temptations used by Satan on Eve and Jesus.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. Genesis 3:6

If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread. If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down. For it is written: "He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." The devil took him to a very high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. "All this I will give you, if you will bow down and worship me." Matthew 4: 3, 6, 8-9

-------

Is this why my semester was so miserable?
I am disappointed in the ways that I have despised myself - a daughter of God, a creation perfect in His eyes. I haven't clutched onto His word or clung onto His voice in the last 16 weeks. I hadn't believed in Him - hadn't trusted that He could provide.

What you love is proof of who you love.

I miserably spent an entire semester trying to weave together a facade of intimacy with God when I could not have been more far from it. I was obsessed with putting up this front of "busyness" to justify my lack of investment in relationships. I was a control freak. I wasn't able to give up anything for God - I hung onto my grades, my Haas app, my term papers, even clothes and food. Yes He delivered me so faithfully through my trials, but they did nothing to challenge my understanding of Him, my understanding of His world, my understanding of myself. I am so ashamed to even admit how much time I've spent on Facebook looking at other people's profiles and pictures, envying their lives, envying their image of success and happiness through the world's eyes.

Going to CFCC Hayward the past few weeks reminded me the goodness of fellowship. I got to experience a taste of relationships that were sooo grounded in Him. I was able to witness brothers and sisters basking in His glory, together. The first time I set foot in the church was at my brother's baptism last year. All I remember thinking was - I really want to get plugged into this community. The world and His creation was meant to be so simple, elegant and beautiful - perfect relationship and intimate fellowship with Him 24/7.

-----

Ambition.
I remember the ways I used to come up with long bullet point lists of resolution in high school: to up my gpa, to lose weight, to get better in badminton, to get more involved with Interact. I had all these specific little aspects of my life that I wanted to improve.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

So that will be a resolution this year - to let go of a little control, to trust in His plan, to steward the possessions and talents and passions He has gifted me. All of this in order to restore my relationships and experience intimate fellowship with Him. Nothing tangible about grades, relationships, boys, finances, time management.

I will trust in the skill set He's given me and do my best.
Because He is sovereign.
Because He is pleased.
Because He's got my back.
Because His Will and Kingdom will carry on.
Because He loves me.
And because I want to be able to scream back at the top of my lungs that I love Him too.

a heavy heart

2008-12-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

Last final in 1.5 hours.

I am not feeling prepared at all.

---

Psalm 63: 1-5

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the santuary

and beheld your power and your glory

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

---

Isaiah 61: 1, 3

The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the Lord

for the display of his splendor.

loved and lost

2008-12-18T19:52:00.001-08:00

Dear God,

Why oh why am I going through this again?

All the memories, the pains, the hard lessons learned -

they're all slipping away so quickly.

I can't even tell if this is originating from You.

Or not.

Help clear my head and my heart Father.

Keep me from hearing the cries of the world.

Deliver me from the desires and temptations of Man.

The world would love me to believe

that it revolves around me

I can finally see

that the world would love to captivate

a childlike heart that aches

to fill the empty space

Help me find peace with you again

though I'm holding out my sinful hands

delivered and captured again

Though I was living like an empty man

Lord please wash me

and lead me to the end

Help me focus on You.

Your beloved,

Jessica

Rick Warren Interview

2008-12-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

This was sent to me by Auntie Olwen awhile back, but I never took the time to read it till now.

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity.

This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say: God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.

That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Waiting

2008-12-08T00:03:00.001-08:00

Scrapped that last entry into Drafts.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint

Funny how easy it is to even forget your favorite verses sometime.

God, help me place my trust in You and to wait on You.
You did not create me to cry these tears.
Help me remember that You are a God of goodness and abundance.

Crying for You

2008-12-07T23:00:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I am frustrated with You
I am frustrated with myself

I am frustrated with my lack of talents and gifts
When others sing draw write dance cook study speak scrapbook knit play sports take pictures
I am left in the dark
Empty
Unsatisfied
Talentless

God I want to believe that You are a creative God
I want to believe that You have instilled passions in our hearts
I want to believe that we are each created uniquely
I always tell myself that each of us are one cracked piece of a broken mirror
Each one reflecting You in a different way
That only when we are together, united, that we serve our own purpose

Why do I feel so lackluster?
Why don't I have a creative outlet?
Why did you take away my love for drawing and singing in choir?
12 years of piano and 11 years of violin
Left behind in the shadows of my high school days

Why has it been so hard for me to worship you?

Why have I been unable to be a blessing?
Is it the Devil at work?
Or is it me - putting up personal barriers?
Why God?

Great Gatsby remains one of my favorite books
I remember referencing it a lot in my SAT and AP essays
I'd always connect it with TS Eliot's "The Hollow Men"

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass

God I want to believe that You have broken me down to NOTHINGNESS
Just so I will restore my faith in You - and hope for Your glory to come

I can't believe how many times I have thought about walking out on this Fellowship this semester
I am a stranger even to myself

Who was I created to be?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Why am I unable to even write an eloquent blog entry just to express my frustrations with You?
Why can't I dance freely to the rhythms of Your heart?
Why can't I sing so that my soul rings with Your joy and Your pain?

Why can't You just give me the motions to do in hopes that my heart will follow?

God why have You deserted my side?
You have taken away all the relationships that I've relied on in my past
All I have left is You
And yet You choose this time to leave me to test me

I know it takes time
But when are You going to appear again?

I have not felt a single drop of joy in the past six months God.
I look back onto this semester, onto this summer
Yes I see the ways You have blessed me God
But all of those blessings were so temporary
It was all me just constantly trying to remind myself of Your goodness
Telling myself to continue holding on, to hope for You, to wait for You

I am so tired God.
I am tired of searching for the answers
I am tired of looking in the wrong places and turning to the wrong people

Why won't You just reveal Yourself?
Why aren't You answering me?

Chapter Camp.
Chapter Camp was the last time that I even felt You here.
How can You expect me to serve with joy?
How can You expect leading to be life-giving
I have never felt this much pain anguish inadequacy self-doubt self-hatred failure shattered expectations brokenness burnout

My heart has hardened
My ears have shut and my eyes blinded God

Rescue me
Release me
Free me
Love me
Hold me Father

When I don't desire God

2008-12-06T13:43:00.001-08:00

Thanks Nate Nakamura for your weekly email and this quote that really speaks truth.

Sin opposes and perverts my pursuit of God. And it perverts by making me think I am pursuing joy in God when, in fact, I am in love with His gifts" - John Piper We need to put our desire in God again, not in the things He gives us. Only He can quench our thirst and satisfy our hunger.Prayer this morning with the sophomore girlies and at Saturday morning prayer was so good.
I am finally beginning to treasure and find value in intentionally praying in community. Yay.

Failure, Redemption, Grace

2008-12-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

I have failed.

I have never been so disappointed in myself before.
This semester.. just sucked. I've failed as a Unit 2 leader. I've failed as a Berkeley student. I've failed as Suitcase Clinic's Volunteer Coordinator. I've failed as a roommate, an accountability partner, a sister to my sophomore class. I've failed as a Christian.

Never before have I let myself slip this easily. Too many classes skipped. Too many times I was late to clinic. Too many times I've chosen academics over small group. Too many times have I procrastinated. Too many quiet times I have compromised.

I am broken through and through. I am worthless. I am useless.

I sit here back from my Japanese oral interview final to reflect on the semester. Whom have I influenced? Whom have I blessed? Whose needs have I met? Whom did I challenge? When have I been intentional? What fruit did I bear? Whom have I witnessed to?

Sophomore year has been a blur - amazing Chapter Camp, amazing internship in Hong Kong, Grandpa's death, a not-so-ideal birthday, Raymond's death, issues with boundaries, Laura White's death, blessed unit2 small group, failing academics, issues with apartment, bonding with sophomore class, discovering the brokenness in our leadership team, in our fellowship.

A lot of transition, a lot of doubt, a lot of insecurity. Feelings of inadequacy. Falling short. Irresponsibility. Lack of standard.

My heart has hardened.
It has been closing more and more.
It is being clouded by bitterness, envy, resentment, dissatisfaction.
I find it harder to be completely transparent. To lay it all out. To trust my brothers and sisters.

------------

But amidst all this, I am excited.
And I am HOPEFUL.
Because God has been reminding me of His promises.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not grow faint.

Over and over in Genesis Bible study this semester, we learn of God's commitment to us. The way He takes responsibility for us. The way He never gives up on us. The way He doesn't completely scrap creation and start over. The way He can see long term while we are shortsighted.

We are called to step into faithfulness.
We are called to plant seeds.
And God will handle everything else.

And I am so glad. I am so glad that we don't need to do anything else. Because we just can't.
I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. I am thankful that God has established a covenant with us. I am thankful for the rainbow - a sign of His commitment to us. It's not a reminder just to us, but a reminder to Him also.

=====

"Lord, give me the grace to daily lay my life at Your feet. And Lord, don't let me try to pick it back up. Make my burdens heavy, so that they can only fall at Your feet. Help me glorify Your name by throwing all I am at Your feet!!" - mychainsaregoneiamsetfree

God, You know our hearts. You know us. You know every inch of our being, every hair, every thought we've ever had or even will have. Yet You love us the same. You love us the same.

Help me become the best that You have made me to be.

I run to You Father.

Dying to yourself

2008-12-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. - Matthew 16:24

I don't know why I was so scared to share.
I feel so blessed that Wenting and Sarah shared and addressed a lot of the same concerns I had.

I'm trying to figure out why I even feel scared to voice my concerns at the Leaders Meeting. Why do I feel like I don't have agency in this fellowship? I think I've been humbled so much this semester - too humbled almost - where I feel like I am useless, underqualified, unblessed and stripped of gifts that God has given me. I am excited for next semester and the vision that I have for all aspects of my life - academics, unit 2 small group and suitcase clinic.

I feel really frustrated by the lack of standards and accountability with leadership. I am probably guilty of this too. Too often leaders dread going to Sunday meetings or skip it entirely without feeling guilty. Accountability relationships are not as transparent or effective because people are afraid of calling each other out. Promises and commitments are broken. I feel like our fellowship is so broken, and the leadership team has a lot to do with it.

How do we live our lives? How are our own personal relationship with God? We often think that just because we are in leadership that we are at a good point with God. While that may be true at times, we don't seek for more. It's "good enough" - or it's assumed - that we are in a good enough place with God. Nothing should come before our relationship with God. Quiet times and prayer are so essential for God to minister to us personally. How do we expect to lead others if we do not lead by example? It is ironic that it is our leadership positions that prevent us from growing with God. Yes playing with freshmen is important, figuring out details for large group, praying for others. But that does NOT substitute for quiet times and sabbath.

Being in leadership is more than our explicit duties. We have chosen, and we have BEEN chosen. God calls us and we have *responded* to be a leader. We are to be living testaments of God to those in our fellowship, but more importantly, be witnesses to those not in our fellowship and not part of the body of Christ.

I feel like there is so much more than leading - especially this year - than just ministering to my small group or my apartment. I feel like I've ministered to people outside my small group than those in it. I am not perfect, and in no way have I kept up with every part of the covenant, but I have seen the ways that God has used my identity as a "Unit 2 small group leader" to bless my non-Christian friends, the people I work with and serve at Suitcase Clinic, to my high school friends etc. It is too light a thing to just adhere to our responsibilities and follow the covenant. We are called to do so much more. The covenant is only a small part - a suggestion.

There is so much brokenness in our fellowship that I KNOW God will do amazing things next semester. It is amazing how God nudged me to talk to Wenting and Sarah Lee at the meeting, and how we were given the courage to speak up. I don't know if the words came out wrong or whether people are passing judgment on us, but I can only trust that God has given us this heart to want to see Change and Revival. I pray that we will continue to hold truth in our hearts. I pray that our spirits will be renewed daily by Him and that we will keep His vision in sight. I pray that God will empower the three of us to bring about change to our leadership team and our fellowship as a whole. And I am thankful for everyone who was there to hear us out and the people who acknowledged and thanked us for sharing - Connie, Andrew Tai, Richard, Sara Fong.

Father, You have given me so much vision for next semester. Holy Spirit, please come. Please come because I cannot carry on any of this out without You. I am so broken down. Lord You have chipped away every ounce of Pride I have. My being has disappeared. I have been crumbled into nothing. I am ready to be Your vessel, Your tool, Your light and Your Servant. All I want now is You and more of You - Your eyes, Your ears, Your heart, Your wisdom, Your grace. Consume my being and drench me Holy Spirit.

I think I finally understand what it means to lay down my own life and take up the Cross. To grow weak so that God may grow strong. For my heart to break for what breaks His heart. For everything I have - my talents, skills, gifts, knowledge, friendships, relationships, authority, wisdom, discernment, loves, vision, passions, time, communities - everything I have for His Kingdom come.

Thank You Jesus.

The 25 Traits of a Warrior

2008-12-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

mr jaime richards is a teacher and life coach from my high school. a very wise and seasoned one. a buncha people look up to him for guidance on happiness and success. he writes a column in our local newspaper called "what it takes". i really like his dec 3rd column describing the characters of his best students.

For years, I had been studying my most successful students. I had a powerful motive. I wanted to learn what made my best kids my best kids, then use that wisdom to better raise my two daughters.What I learned is that the most successful kids live their lives with a warrior mindset. They aren’t fighting people, though. They’re struggling with enemies common to us all: addiction, apathy, fear, greed, ignorance, jealousy, laziness, mediocrity and peer pressure. The best, happiest, most successful students wrestle all that evil stuff. They don’t always win, but they battle longer and more bravely than their less successful peers. They fight with “weapons” they were either born with or had instilled into them.

Hard work - Patience - Willingness to do more than expected - Tenacity - Balance - Courage to make tough choices - Confidence - Personal Responsibility - Risk - Creativity with Action - Self discipline - Manners - Activity - Proactivity - Sense of humor - Ambition - Selective Fraternization - Service - Humility - Resilience - Motivation - Social skills - Leadership

---

tenacity - to keep fighting
courage to make tough choices - the easy choice is usually wrong
risk - facing your greatest fear, even if it's failure
resilience - get back up after getting knocked down
motivation - goal driven

Do I possess any of these skills? What do I need to work on?
This is who I want to become.

A grab bag of Thoughts

2008-12-03T01:31:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about "character".
In light of the Haas app and reflection on the semester as we wrap up the year.
Webster defines character as "an attribute that makes up or distinguishes an individual".

I think I have struggled this semester with a lot of the "Who am I?" questions.

In high school, I was always the crazy busy and involved one of our group. Senior year was balancing Interact, volunteering, piano and badminton. My girls would let me stay on campus at lunch to catch up on homework or sneak in a nap. I didn't go out much on the weekend or even playing throughout the week. My excuse? "I'm busy."

Growing up too. It was always easy for me to identify as the "cool girl who hungout with the guys". Even in elementary school, it was really obvious to me that I would rather play wall ball/4 square/basketball than chillax on the monkey bars. Maybe friendship with guys seem easier to me because they're more laidback and low maintenanced. Chipotle runs, trip to Starbucks, just hecka downtime.

I have been hurt and backstabbed in the past by so many girls.. CG CY LW. Maybe that's why I'm more partial with guy relationships? It's been spoken loudly and clear though for me to develop relationships with my Sisters. I am excited to see where God will lead our community. I hope and pray that these will bring healing to what I've suffered from in the past. Jesus, please help us form a community where we are able to mutually edify and support each other.

---

I think God has really challenged me since coming to college about WHERE I place my identity and self-worth. I knew I poured in a lot of my heart in extracurriculars and my relationships. I took pride in my time that was utilized well. Too much pride probably. I felt more important than others. I know I took great joy in having those deep heart-to-heart convos with people. I felt instantaneously closer to them. Even if it was some short AIM convo. I would always feel bad about not being able to spend time with people because it seemed like foregoing friendships and bonding and getting closer.

God has shown me that my time is limited and finite. Time is a human construct. God transcends time. I have struggled with time management over the course of this entire semester. I've tried justifying this by small group leading and Suitcase Clinic, only to find that I don't spend much time on either activities. In fact, talking to Harry yesterday night made me realize how unperceptive I am. I take things for their surface value, without critically thinking or analyzing situations. How do you develop those traits though?

---

DJ and Peter are two people whom I admire. Sheila, Dan, Ken too. So many of the people I work with at Suitcase have such beautiful hearts. They are willing to listen, and they genuinely care for the clients. DJ and Sheila are seasoned Suitcasers. Talking with Kevin tonight too and just tracing the legacy from Andrew Kronemeyer - Sunny - Kevin - Johan - Sheila - Dan - Eulanca. This finally made me realize: God has given me this heart and placed me in this organization because of the talents and passions that He has placed in me. I need to put in more effort and more time to cultivate this. God please help me be more proactive to learn about this organization and help me develop the skills needed to carry it on.

I want to spend more time with them whether it's hitting up House or helping set up. I can't believe I was close to giving up on this organization because I felt crappy about myself - that I wasn't finding community or developing connections. I always intimidate myself or talk myself out of thinking that these people don't want to talk to me, or I'm not good enough for them.

Same with my small group. I barely spend any time with them during the week because I don't even try. I've struggled like crazy with personal barriers this semester. Barriers I put up that prevent me from enjoying God's goodness - through relationships. My insecurity with myself has hindered me from building long lasting relationships.

---

Jesus please help me translate my empathy/care/passions/desire to help others into tangible actions. Actions speak lourder than words. Lord I know You know my heart. Please just open up doors of opportunities. Give me eyes to see where You are leading me.

The book of Galatians talks a lot about faith and freedom. All you hafta do is believe to experience freedom through Christ. Help me believe Your Goodness oh Lord. Give me Your words to speak, Your eyes to see, Your heart to break. I just wanna shake it all off and shed my old self.

God help me cultivate a loving, carring and tender heart to care for others.
Open my eyes to see who and what needs care.
Please bring me healing in the ways that my heart has hardened because of RY JY WC and WL. Please soften it, mold it, break it.
Teach me how to pray for my brothers & sisters. How to care for them in intangible ways - especially through prayer. Equip me with experiences and skills.

Choosing Life

2008-11-17T17:04:00.001-08:00

hi blog it's been awhile.

this semester has been really hard. getting stretched so much. struggling in school. questioning my passions, my gifts, my desires, my goals. humbling myself to a point where i felt hollow and empty. really relying on my community, my brothers & sisters, to lift me up in prayer.

for some reason last night, i felt life.
i felt peace. peace in the sense that it's okay to be where i'm at. it's okay to not have everything together, to have a crapload of schoolwork to catch up on. to have imperfect relationships. i had been so weighed down by my inadequacies and failed expectations that i was blind to the ways God has created me to be a blessing upon others. i am thankful for the conversations post-lg, at our unofficial frosh game night, planning sleepover, and even through aim.

i am reminded of chapter camp. isaiah 49:6.
"it is too light a thing for you to work in your unit 2 small group. i will use you to do greater things. i want to you to love on everyone around you. every person you encounter. i want you to be my messenger of peace. i want you to be a blessing to your sisters, your apartment mates, your class and your community. i want you to choose life. i just want you to be happy." (flashback dennis cole's talk at interpraise)

i want to choose freedom. during leaders meeting yesterday, mattkim defined sin not as breaking laws, but a barrier that disallows us to become who God made us to be. genesis 9:7. "as for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." freedom is not to do whatever we want, but to be able to run into God's embrace and wholeheartedly fulfill His call for me. freedom to do His work.

God thank You for instilling passion in me again. thank You for helping me feel like myself again. thank You for granting me ambition. i am tired of doing this on my own.

genesis 11:4. "come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered upon the face of the whole earth". God i don't want to run away from Your command to us. You are a God who embraces unity yet celebrates diversity. God i confess of the ways i have tried to take fate into my own hands, to try to build this tower, to try to play 'god'. please use me in my brokenness to make a name for You, to GLORIFY You.

matthew 16:21-22. "from that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 'never, Lord!' he said. 'this shall never happen to you!'"

God i confess of the ways that i have rebuked You. my longings of wanting to be a visible leader in this fellowship. God we know that we are short-sighted and that You can see the long term. God you know my heart. i lay myself at your feet. i surrender. i surrender control. i surrender the futile actions i take to try to please You. God please shatter my expectations, because You are good, and Your plans for us are good.

jeremiah 29:11. "for i know the plans i have for you. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God please give me the eyes to see what You have in store for me.

luke 22:42. "yet not my will, but yours be done." God i've been reduced to nothing. i come before you, humbly, as your servant. may Your Spirit consume my soul. may every fibre in my body move to glorify You. may my thoughts be Yours, may my heart break like Yours, may my eyes see as You do.

speak into the gaps Lord. provide what i need. help me choose life.

superdisorganizedpost

2008-06-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

Tuesday. June 3rd, 2008. 11:25PM. Hong Kong.

Tomorrow will be my first day at work!
I will be leaving Kwai Chung MTR station at approximately 8am, and will be arriving at the American Consulate General on Garden Road at 9:30am.

The past two weeks have flown by so quickly that I haven't even had a chance to process anything at all. Lack of sleep during finals week transferred over to Chapter Camp, which then transferred to this past weekend when I crashed pretty much the entire time. And now after a 14hr flight (~9hrs sleeping, 3hrs movie, 1hr for two meals), I'm halfway across the world.

I wish I had more time to spend reflecting on a Chapter Camp post because it was so so so good. A lot of it was alone time (with God), kind of spent isolated from everyone else. I absolutely loved the passages we went through in Isaiah (40-55ish). The imagery of the majestic effortless eagle, barren wilderness/desert, leveling topography, bow/arrow and knife, idols, the Lord and I having each other's names on the palms of our hands. Powerful images. Being in the presence of nature and God's creation was absolutely breathtaking: shooting stars, the blue sky, calm oceans, sound of the waves, kayaking amongst seals/fish/dolphins, cool sand during beach volleyball, cold rocks, palm tree silhouettes, sunrise from the Way of the Cross.

I am also excited and scared at the same time for Small Group Leading. That pair of emotions pretty much describes all that I'm feeling about everything haha. I'm really happy with Unit 2; I knew it was always in my heart :). And although I don't know my co-leaders very well at the moment, I can't to see the ways that God will work to bring Olivia, Aaron, Becky and me together to foster a community next year. I am so blessed to be amongst this (mostly new) group of leaders because I know all of us have big shoes to fill after the seniors and the old leaders. Track was the first time I really led a Bible study, and I can't say it was very easy. But yay for Jamie and Mike who helped me work through it :)

Jetlag is getting the better part of me, so I am heading to bed now.
All I can say to sum up Chapter Camp was God was so so SO faithful in answering my prayers from that first day at Retreat of Silence. That last day was so good :)

a flurry of emotions

2008-05-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Freshman year is over.

I don't even know how I'm feeling right now. Numb from the horrible Stats final. Moving out of the dorms. Regrets from not investing in Ida 6th floor. The comforts of Towle mini suites. Wesley's room. Being able to just skip down the hall to talk to friends. Showering with flipflops. Having to cook next year. Taking out the trash. No more waking up at 7:55am for 8am class. Unit3 small group. Emily as my roommate - being super chill, always always there for me at my worst moments. Swiping Haagen Dazs from Bear Market. 4am talks with Nate, the guys, Kevin Huynh, Bmun, JennSaraEunice.

There's so much going through my mind right now... how my major GPA will look like. Going home, seeing my fam, visiting Mission, Chapter Camp!!!, Hong Kong. The ways God has blessed and super grown me. The community and friends and relationships He's given me. How He has provided for a place for us to live next year. The many many things I've struggled with and learned about this year - relationships, guy/girl boundaries, drinking, judging people, IV seniors' advice: talks with Slam, DavidChau, JennChiang, JeffKwong, StephenYang.

I really need to sit down in peace and reevaluate my entire life. All those good talks with Eric this semester has evolved our relationship from just GSI/student to more of a mentor/big brother kinda figure. I really want to just sit down, figure out what I want to do with my life, and just go for it. Same with studying habits. Setting aside time to find out what works for me will take me a really long way. I just want to find something that I'm passionate about. Something that I will be able to tunnel vision, focus in on and just DO without anyone stopping me. I want to help people, interact with people, provide for my family, live comfortably, in close proximity with family and friends...

All of this started off with seeing Carmen and Jen move out yesterday. Then Sara's letter this morning, Jenn's text. Wesley's room empty. Having to go back and pack. It's just CRAZY fast how this year flew by, yet how jam packed every single day was. Small group, large group, Crossroads, cafe3 dinners, good talks, Hall Ass meetings, late nights at Beverly Cleary, learning how to play guitar, DailyCal, sitting on Sproul, laying in my bed doing nothing, bathroom talk, morning walks and talkin' to God, the Ark, Best Selling Secrets, Pat Brown's breakfast Friday mornings, my loverly psych section, chillin' with my small group, failed visits to the gym hahaha, football games, Papamingo runs, getting walked back at 5am, GBC, Suitcase Clinic, Unity Pride, Yule Ball, Collide, Discipleship, gorgeous view outside my window, door-to-door for HallAss and ASUC.

This ride has been just so indescribable. The surprises that God granted me. The opportunities and choices He's given me. The beginning of this incredible journey into become a Bride of Christ. I am so excited to see how His perfect timing and His plans for me will unfold :)

So friggin bittersweet <3

on love

2008-05-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

Mmm. This is in regards to my last post about hating myself.
I think that God has shown me love in so many ways in just the past day.

My brother called me yesterday and asked if I was going to be around next Thursday to chaperone Richards' field trip to SF. He also told me that Camacho wanted me to visit him. That just made me smile knowing that my high school teachers remember me :) I've sent both of them a few emails here and there, but it was just nice to know I'm not forgotten.

I've been really blessed by a brother of mine (who is probably reading this right now!) just through an email. He talked about love. My QT passage today was from Isaiah 44 about idols. God has really used these two things to reveal more to me about my biggest struggles right now. I'm just gonna insert a few exerpts from his email that really struck me, and I hope that this will serve as a reminder to myself and to others who are reading this.

And because God's love is so amazing, so overwhelming, so massive, it overflows out of us when we love God, allowing us to love everything He has created. He lets us love.
Love is the greatest gift we receive from God. I think I overlook this fact. I always assume that GOD's love is His gift to us, but in fact, He also gave us the gift to love EACH OTHER. We can't comprehend unconditional love because our world is so so so broken. But as Christians, we are called to emulate Christ and love as God did.

God gives us three great gifts. Faith. Hope. Love. Love is the strongest of the three. Faith and hope last us this lifetime, but when we're in heaven, we need not have hope. We need not have faith. We're already in heaven. We no longer need faith or hope. But even then, we still need love. So of God's three greatest gifts for us, Love is the strongest of them all. It always perseveres. Love never fails.
That part just ties together the 1 Corinthians 13 verse. Love NEVER fails because we need it even when we are in Heaven.

God loves you, you should not ever, ever, ever even think of hating yourself. If you hate yourself, you're hating a creation of God. If you don't love yourself, you cannot love. In the Ten Commandments, one of the commandments is "Love thy neighbor as thyself." How can you love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.... Learn to love yourself, and then you will be able to love others, not the other way around. Do not seek love in others to find love for yourself.
I need to learn how to love myself, because God created me in a perfect way. He knit me in my mother's womb. I pray that I will learn to accept myself for who I am: as God's beloved daughter. He intentionally made me the way I am, and I am to seek the ways in which I can bless my community with the gifts He has given me.

----

I think I'm touching upon the beginning of learning how to give these feelings up to God.
I can't wait until I reach that point.. knowing that I am strong enough to just lift everything up to God and trust that He will perfect them in His own timing.

self-love?

2008-05-15T02:39:00.000-07:00

I need to learn how to love myself. For the way that God has made me and the gifts He's given me.

I really hate myself right now.

I set really high expectations for myself and I always fall short.
I need to stop relying on others because I don't 'trust' myself.
Talking to Eric on Monday made me realized that I've never really been affirmed about anything before in my life. I'm conditioned to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. I need to not blame others and just take responsibility. I need to trust my own abilities and my instincts and judgments. I need to stand firm and be firm.

It just seems like every time I'm vulnerable it 'backfires'. GAH. I don't know.

God, I really need Your help right now :( I need to feel Your presence and Your comfort..

gaaaah

2008-05-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

I need to stop getting super giddy every time something happens :( hahaha.

I've felt soo connected to God in the past 30hours and it's been pretty amazing. Woke up Sunday and just read the Word throughout the morning - something that I haven't done so in awhile. I missed service at the Ark, but I felt like I could just experience and see God tingling down my spine and in every fiber of my body. QTed while working on my papers throughout the night/morning yesterday. I just want more and more of Him...

I'm going to miss the view from my room on Ida's 6th floor. Granted the majority is of Cafe3 below, but I have this gorgeous view of the hills and IHouse, all against this ocean blue sky and green foliage. Just seeing the birds soar and the illumination from the sunlight makes me melt - just sitting still and appreciating God's perfect perfect creations. He is the Master Artist, the Orchestrator behind this all.

God You are sooo good :)

a wife of noble character

2008-05-11T01:47:00.000-07:00

I am really sad that Jenn and Eunice both aren't coming to Chapter Camp :( I love how insecure I feel just at the thought of not being with them for two weeks. Spent some time thinking and reflecting on short talk with Eunice earlier. Thanks for speaking truth into me Dad.

-----
What do I see in him?
I am distracting him, and I am distracting myself.
The best thing I could do for him is give him space and time to grow.
I am still learning myself, recovering from past wounds, beginning this journey walking besides You and drawing closer to You.
I know I'm not ready God. I know that this isn't the time.
I pray that You really grow me and continue molding me.
I want to remain your precious, beautiful daughter.
Lord I want to lift up all my feelings to You.
God may I save and preserve my heart for You.
I want to wholeheartedly love You and only You.
Help me guard my heart God.
Help me save it in its entirety Lord. May I not waste it on worldly things.
God help me focus on You. Help me seek You.
Please keep my intentions pure and centered on You.
Teach me how to love him as a sister.
Help me see You.
Help me turn You every time I want to turn back to him.
-----

I'm thankful that You revealed to me some answers.
Entering dorm ministry next year, being in a position of leadership, is to become a living testament of God. That is turning to YOU for everything. Through prayer, scripture, sermons, the church, fellowship. God I'm just so excited that I will be in this position, but also scared at the same time. I know all my actions will be scrutinized, but that will hold me accountable to continue seeking after YOU and YOU only. God may You just help me transition to that as the school year winds down, as Chapter Camp and summer approach.

Lord. Please help me become a true woman of God.

from The Wife of Noble Character
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
- Proverbs 31: 25-26, 30

a wave of transitions

2008-05-10T04:04:00.001-07:00

Tonight was crazy. This entire week has been crazy.

The message at the Ark last Sunday was by Javi (Tarango-Sho of IV La Fe). He spoke on transitions: how they are not as temporary as we think, how we should never feel comfortable, how we are to rely on God in these times for comfort and provision, how transitions are ways of exploring new sides of Jesus. His message couldn't come at a better time.

It's the last two weeks of school, which = crunchtime for everyone. I can't really describe the emotions I've felt this past week; they seem to fluctuate between sadness that the year is ending, but excitement for so many new things to come.

----------

LAST SMALL GROUP
InterVarsity has changed my life.
God has blessed me and used me in sooo many ways this year, and I have no words to express how thankful I am that He brought me into this community. I LOVE my unit3 brothers and sisters. I didn't get a chance to record for the sg appreciation video, but God has gifted us with amazinggg leaders: Andrew has this huge heart for God and community. I have seen him step out in faith to initiate conversations with strangers, with the homeless, with those who may feel excluded. Emily with this crazy genuine, down-to-earth attitude. She is so comfortable with who she is, and she's not afraid to show her quirky awesome awkwardness because she so knows that God loves her the way she is. Nathan has given me encouragement every, single, time. He has shared with me his struggles, his pain and his trials, thus opening the gateway for me to open up to him. And Sarah. Sarah Lam. She has been a ray of sunshine to our small group, our fellowship and the body of Christ. She has unconditionally poured out love for us that can only originate from one Source.

I love my small group DEARLY. I know that our community isn't perfect. And I almost like it because it's not.
I am glad that we recognize the struggles that we face as a community. I am thankful for our differences. And even though there has been tensions and divisions arising, I'm really glad that we are able to come together as a body of Christ. Our small group has such strong personalities with so much leadership potential, and I'm just so excited to see how God will work through each and every one of us as we -part our ways- next year. They have provided me with a safe space. They have been patient with me through the beginnings of my Walk. They have graciously prayed for me and answered my questions. They have reaffirmed me and provided for me. I admit that I did step away second semester, because I really felt called to build relationships with our brothers & sister in our class and other small groups.

Dinner Tuesday night at Emily's was sooo good because it was really the first time that ALL of us sat down and shared a meal. I am really glad that we got our very own 'puzzle' yearbooks :) I hope that we will continue to be present amongst each other's lives for the upcoming years. I know that things will be difficult, but we will still be THE amazing 07-08 u3 small group.

LAST HALL ASSOCIATION MEETING
Spent at Fondue Fred's just reflecting on the year. My officer corps is quite special; it takes so much dedication and heart for any Hall Ass Ex Comm to gel together and work so well together. I am amazed at how comfortable with each other. They made me feel so included last semester even when I wasn't on Ex Comm, and they have empowered and encouraged me this semester especially through Collide planning.

Brittany Murlas is an amazing woman. She brings the most positive energy. She is so incredibly supportive and encouraging while managing to keep us in check at all times. I am so thankful that she is a part of my life because I KNOW she will be doing amazing things for our community. She is the most capable and compassionate leader I've met. Ex Comm wouldn't have been able to pull off anything this semester without our awesome PA.

I really admire this bunch in our vision AND our dedication to living it up. I know that we didn't really hangout much outside of meetings and events, but Tuesday nights were never a bore. "The shitz", I love sex because... and snaps.

LAST SUITCASE CLINIC CLASS
Inspirational Suitcase alum speaker. Hilarious group presentation. The Unity secret. Crazy tons of small group pride.
It's funny how God brought me to Suitcase Clinic in the beginning of the year, but I am so sure that God has called me to serve in this community for a purpose. Christopher Peabody, a med student at UCSF, talked about the presence of Suitcase across the country. He emphasized our values and mission statement - compassion & empathy - that are lifelong skills that will empower everyone in this class to become leaders in our community. I am excited to take part in this organization for the rest of my college years in hopes of developing these skills.

I have some pretty big shoes to fill next semester as Volunteer Coordinator. DJ and Andrew just have this crazy aura around them that radiate positive energy. I am so blessed to have been in the Unity small group. I can't believe how well our small group got along - I never imagined all of us to be so chillax and friendly with each other. I know I'll definitely see everyone at Clinic a lot still next year - I can't wait!

LAST LARGE GROUP
Reminiscent slideshows. Cute song. Testimonials. Prayer.
I can't comprehend why and how tremendously the Senior class has blessed our Freshmen class. Sam's testimony on community, Wilken's testimony on faith and Slam & David Chau's testimony on reconciliation. Slam & David's testimony really touched me because it symbolized foreseeable issues that our class will have to deal with in the future. The ways they serve God are so different - Slam's renewal and reborn dedication to follow Christ, and David's "of the world" brokenness to struggle alongside everyone. It's so beautiful that they are both able to worship the same God in such distinct ways.

I feel so loved on by the seniors. I know they have been praying for us, and they have poured out love for us especially at FROC. They were patient with us and willing to be vulnerable with us. I can't say that I am super close with any of them, but I have developed this attachment and admiration for many of them through conversations (Slam, David Chau, Jen Chiang, Jeff Kwong, Stephen Yang, Joyce Lin + Tiff Yang + Osup Kwon at FROC in particular). I know they aren't perfect, but just seeing the ways that God has transformed them and taught them about Him has been mind blowing.

I pray to God asking Him to constantly remind us that we are all still part of His body, that all of us will still connected no matter where He takes us. We are the IV-CCF community, and I can't wait to see how God will use each one of the seniors to bless and glorify His Kingdom.

SMALL GROUP LEADER APPRECIATION
I am going to be honest; tonight's small group leader appreciation blew my mind. I am guilty of not having high hopes and expectations for it. God is sooo good. I am so proud of our class for putting all of this together: the planning, logistics, video, awards, food, gifts, haikus. It was THE manifestation of the Body of Christ!! I am so thankful and appreciative of everyone's collective efforts. I know each 'committee' worked really hard on their respective part of the night, and the way everything came together was beautiful. Thank you Lily for heading the idea.

The event really also sparked some worries in me...
A few weeks ago, Sarah at the Ark asked us the question "Who are you blessing in your life?". And honestly even now, I don't even know!!! I will have some pretty bigbigbig shoes to fill next year as a leader. I am excited yet afraid at the same time about where God is going to put me. I pray for trust.

----------
I've blogged for about 45minutes now, and it's getting late.

TRANSITIONS FOR NEXT YEAR
Becoming diligent to focus on my studies to wrap up my first year. Moving out of the dorms. Moving into apartments!! - learning how to really take care of myself and get along with to others. Going on my first 'church camp'. Going on 'vacation' without my parents. Spending down time with God and my brothers & sisters at Catalina. Reflecting on the past year and getting excited about the next - so can't wait! Living on my own without my immediate family for two months halfway around the world. Spending the entire summer without my friends. Taking on an internship - glimpsing into the real world. Taking on new leadership roles as a small group leader and volunteer coordinator.
And lastly, since the last large group about grief, beginning a healing process from my past broken (dating) relationship(s). I don't really know where anything is heading, but I pray to the Lord that He will give me the time to grieve and heal 'properly' from these major gashes and wounds.

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On a random note, I finally placed in the order for personalized dog tags. Mine is Isaiah 40:31, Derk's is Joshua 1:9. I can't wait for them to get here!

All this is pretty bittersweet. Just gotta keep in mind that each ending is just another beginning.

a cry for help

2008-05-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

I am really angry right now.

I am disappointed myself and I feel utterly pathetic.
My sleeping schedule has been off for the past month. I've barely gone to class for the past couple weeks. I haven't attended single BA lecture for this new module. Ethnic Studies discussion for three weeks. Stats since Boat Dance. Just typing this makes me feel ashamed.

I don't even know what to do with myself.

I can't seem to find motivation to concentrate during Crunchtime. God, please lift up my heavy heart and all the burdens along with it. I feel Satan snickering in my ear right now Father, laughing at how victorious he has been lately. God, please just deliver me from this listlessness. God, please restore diligence into my life. This is a hard prayer for me God. I'm just sick of feeling idle and useless. God, remind me why You have placed me here once again. Remind me that I am Your precious daughter God. God Your heart for us is so big, that I almost wish there was some way You would reprimand me.

God, please just help me move on from my guilt ridden self. Set my chains free. Renew my spirit and soul God, because they have been so burdened and bogged down by the weariness of this broken world. Lord I long to be pure like You. Draw me closer to You God.

God heal me from my sickness, the one developing physically and the blockade mentally in my mind that is preventing me from worshiping You through my studies. God, please just grooow me abundantly in the ways You already have this past year. God, please just rescue me..

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Hosanna, Hosanna
Hosanna in the Highest
- Hillsong United, Hosanna

a meet and greet kinda lunch

2008-05-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

Mum and Dad came up for lunch to meet Jenn, Eunice and Becky, and kind of to talk about apartment hunting. I don't know how well that turned out though.. I know my Dad means well but sometimes he doesn't come off that way. I don't know.

Today's service at the Ark was so so so good.
Worship was amazing. I was so bummed out missing Friday's large group that I was really looking forward to service today. We sang two of my favs - "We love you Jesus" and "How can I keep from singing".

Yesterday God blessed me with two distinct conversations about a relationship that I'm struggling with - one with Sonny and one with Sammy. I think that during worship, God really just spoke to me and reiterated what Sonny told me - that God really *put* those feelings in me. It's just going back to the whole lesson about Patience that I'm learning..

This post is quite fragmented.

Today, Javier came to speak about transitions and unmet expectations. The passage was from Luke 24, where Cleopas and his friend are unable to recognize Jesus even after they spent the entire day together. I'm really afraid that I am being really tunnel visioned with this relationship. I don't want to see this as the only way of satisfying the care that I feel like I'm lacking. I'm getting really angry at myself because I don't want this to steal my heart away from God or who He has planned for me. I want to only crave God's approval. I want to only hunger for God's love. But in my brokenness, in our brokenness, we continue to seek after the love of others. This imperfect love. I'm not hearing God out too well right now.. I can't tell if He is being intent that He is behind these feelings and actions, or whether I'm making it up to justify what I'm doing.

I knelt down for the first time during worship today and prayed. Prayed that I would not rely on earthly things. Prayed that God will give me direction with this relationship, give me patience and help me trust in Him that He will lead it where it goes. It's so difficult each. and. every. day. to keep my feelings in check. But that's exactly what Javi was talking about. It is only when God leads us to unknown and unexpected places - places where we are vulnerable - that we can fully and 100% trust and depend on God for everything.

I need to depend on God. I need to give these feelings to Him. I need to lift up these feelings to Him, and trust that He will speak to me and teach me how to deal with them.

--------

Nathan said in his email today:
My challenge to you is to truly believe that our God is capable of doing all things and then to begin living like it.

Are you ready to fulfill the calling that God has given us? And if so, how are you going to
fulfill that calling? Remember that we can be fishers of men anywhere we choose to serve. And remember that gift which was given to you.

I remember a few months ago at Large Group, one of the speakers posed a question: Who are you blessing? How have you been working in the community that God has put you in? I'm really afraid because I don't feel like I am a blessing to anyone.. haha. That seems emo and dumb, but I really hope that my presence is actually having an impact on people's lives. I've been praying big prayers. But again, we are so incapable of seeing the way God works in His perfect timing.

God on high stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we would always remember
You and I are made to worship
You and I are made to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
- Chris Tomlin, Made to Worship

a lesson in the making: patience

2008-05-02T01:15:00.001-07:00

God is teaching me a very long, hard and important lesson on patience right now.

I'm always, always in a hurry to do things. To get things done. End results. Quick. Snap. At this instance. In our timing. Current gratification. I think that being patient is really appreciating God's Perfect Timing, and ultimately just *trusting* that he will do His thang. Delaying gratification. Postponing the measures of success and results by our own flawed timeline.

I think God is being especially particular about the relationships I am forming right now. He's teaching me that relationships take time to grow. They need time to be nurtured. Close and frequent contact doesn't necessarily mean deep and vulnerable.

God, I pray that I will rely on Your perfect timing, and that I will rely on Your timeline. God may you really just continue to grow this friendship/relationship we have God, without jeopardizing the bonds we established before. God, may everything just work out the way You want it to be. God, please teach me how to be patient as this friendships unfurls. Lord, may I just depend on You for Your perfect timing.

a spoiled little sister

2008-04-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

My big brothers take such good care of me.

They walk me home at 5am in the morning.
They let me bother them. Every. single. day.
They feed me and reassure me that I'm not fat.
They watch out for me.
They make sure I do my work.
They let me rest when I need it.
They poke fun of me playfully.
And make sure I don't get upset.
They let me poke fun of them. Way too much.
They go along with all the silly things I do.
They let me get excited and giddy.
They are patient with me.
They offer to help me out.
They comfort me.
They pray for me.
They listen to me.
They reassure me through the toughest times.
They always unplug my laptop cord for me and offer to carry my books.
They let me use their cell phone charger and do homework in their desks and nap on their beds.
They go out of their way to make sure I'm comfortable: they set up the router, hook up the printer, change their laptop password, keep the window open for light and leave their doors unlocked just so I could print my paper after an all-nighter at 7am.
They take such good care of me like no one has ever done so before.

They are such a blessing and joy to have in my life. I am so thankful that You have placed them here. I thank You that Your love for me pours out like buckets through them.

God, You never fail to surprise me everyday with Your blessings. I pray that You just bless over our relationships, and that You draw us closer together as we continue to seek You, together. God, may we challenge each other, be vulnerable with each other, love on each other and pray for one another. May I be a blessing to my brothers as much as they have been a blessing to me.

Thank You God that You are moving. Please continue working :)

And now that You’re near
Everything is different
Everything’s so different, Lord
I know I’m not the same
My life You’ve changed
I want to be with You
I want to be with You
- Hillsong United, Now that You're Near

the darkest season

2008-04-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

of my life. Right now. Right here.

I want to hunger for something deeper.
I want to lifted from our brokenness, and set to fly on wings like eagles. I want to run and not grow weary. I want to walk and not be faint. Holy Spirit, please descend upon me and consume me.

I am really angry with myself right now. I feel so isolated and alone. I think this is God's way of telling me that I cannot and should not rely on anyone else besides Him. I realize that He is working in my relationships and friendships, but all of us are still human. We are sooo broken that we can't count on each other 100% of the time. We hurt each other (intentionally or not). We are incapable of showing true, perfect love like the way God loves us. God, please reveal to me how I can seek You and serve You. I am so tired of putting up this front with the world. I am sick of failure, pain, fear and rejection. God, please just feed me Your Living Water. Please envelop me in Your Light.

God please shine Your Light on me, so that I can shine it on others.
Please allow me to bless those in my life through Your presence and Your works.

Dad, continue to mold me through these trials and sufferings. For I know that I need to be weak for me to be strong.

I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
- Matt Redman, "You Never Let Go"

the true source

2008-04-28T04:38:00.000-07:00

God, I am really frustrated right now. But I think I know what You're trying to tell me.

I have been overflowing with joy for the past two weeks. I feel like my source of happiness was from the community that You've placed around me. But like Sara's message at the Ark today, we should not be relying on the church, or anyone else. We are to emulate You, Jesus. Cause God, only You are our source of comfort and strength. I know that I prayed and relied and called on You and fed off your Word when I "needed" it during midterms week. I feel like You are calling me to distance myself from the guys I've been hanging out with lately and really returning to You. I need to revive and renew my prayer life, and take more time out to read your Word.

God, may You just be my source of hope and joy. God I thank You for providing me with a ton of community and fellowship for the past few weeks. God I pray that I seek You, and You only.

grief & healing

2008-04-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

Mmm. I love being home.
But even amidst the peace and quiet and comfort, I'm not really sure how to blog this.

Yesterday's Large Group in Wurster was...really good. Probably the heaviest of the school year. Kyle spoke on grief. A lot of it was encouraging us to grieve and trusting God when we do grieve. There were candles set up on the balcony to the side. Carol encouraged us to light them during Reflection as a symbol of acknowledgement that everything isn't all right, that we're okay with it, and that God would be able to shine through the darkness.

I think the message finally struck me and sunk in at the end, when he mentioned things from the past year that we could grieve for - break-ups, broken friendships, expectations that have fallen short. I felt a slight tug at my heart when worship began, and I proceeded up the balcony to light a candle. And then I just sat down, hugged my knees, and cried. I don't think there was a particular reason.. but there was something very healing about sitting there, sobbing and letting those tears flow down my cheeks. Katrina gave me a hug. It just felt really good staying up there for the rest of worship - a really good set with You never let go, Surrender, Blessed be Your name. It was nice just detaching myself from people, but still feeling a part of what was happening.

It was really encouraging to hear Sara share about how God had been working at FROC to begin her process of healing. I think I felt something similar to that.. I grabbed Sars afterwards, sat in a little 'cave' and just talked and prayed. I think that I fall short of the expectations placed on me, or those I place on myself. I feel like I always have to be happy, always the one to start the conversations, always the one to entertain. I'm really hard on myself when I'm sad or down - I feel really dumb because I still feel so crappy despite all of God's blessings and gifts. That just shows the brokenness or our world and inability to even comprehend God's grace and love for us.

My biggest realization from last night - I don't think I healed properly after the breakup with Wes. Sars phrased it so well - I sought temporary relief by "shoving it under the rug". I kept telling myself that I was not going to dwell on it, that I didn't need to be in a relationship, that I needed to move on quickly. This 'improper healing' has manifested with my recent struggle with boys and brother/sister relationships. Sooo many people are praying for me about this (Sars, Jenn, Sara, Vivian, Will, Sonny, Zhong) though, so I just have to be faithful in trusting God.

Sars said that she knows I'll be okay in the end. I know I will be okay in the end. God is just putting me through trials in order for me to grow. I need to continuously remind myself that God is still molding me for my future boyfriend/husband. I need to be patient. I need to wait on God to provide the right time and the right person. I need to trust that He is growing and transforming me to become a faithful daughter in Christ.

an abundance of sunshine

2008-04-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get obsessive about this blog. Heehee.

Suitcase results came in late last night. :)!
General Clinic:
Clinic Coord- Eulanca
Volunteer Coord- Sona and Jessica
Dental- Austin
Footwashing- Emily and Kimmy
Hair- Edward
SHARE- Galiana
COCA- Garrett and Ken

The dynamics of Suitcase will be different next semester with so many new officers, but I am sooo excited and blessed to be working with this group. Sona and I are not incredibly close [yet], but I'm confident that we'll make a good tag team. I hope we can live up to the amazing work that DJ and Andrew have done for the position this year. I'm really looking forward to everyone in our Unity small group this semester to really step up to these leadership roles.

And of course, I can't wait till Boat Dance tonight!!! I've been excited about this for so long: getting ready with the 2520 seniors, pictures, everyone lookin' fly, dancing the night away, playing with my IV frosh and planning a surprise with the BC kids ;) Talking about this has given me something to look forward to and smile about amidst my bleak academics for the past few weeks.

It also happens to be a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous day today. Thanks for putting all of this together Dad :)

How can I keep from singing your praise?
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing
- Chris Tomlin, "How Can I Keep from Singing?"

a half-hour deliberation

2008-04-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

Today was the Suitcase Clinic elections.
Today was also David Chau's birthday!

It's funny because elections were originally held in Dwinelle, but Admin changed it to Ida Sproul lounge. The entire thing took 4hours. Volunteer Coordinator discussion took a full 30mins. Andy, Sona, Summer and I just chilled in the lobby and chatted. I really like our group! I know that all of us are really tight and we'd all continue volunteering.

I'm really anxious for some reason. And I was really nervous for the speech.
I think it was hard for me to really convey my heart for the underprivileged without really mentioning how all of us are equal in God's eyes and that all of us should fellowship with one another. I'll probably be really disappointed and sad if I didn't get VC, but I just hafta keep remembering that God has everythang planned for me.

I'm really surprised that even amidst all this stress - I am sooo full of joy. It's been like this for an entire semester. I can't wait until Boat Dance tomorrow to play with the IV kids, and this weekend to just chillax at home. I'm really worried about Collide and people showing because it's in competition with Boat Dance. The lighting should be absolutely breathtaking though; surprises every hour, a LASER, fog machines, flood lights. [M]ovement and truelement performances. Dance battle.

Boat Dance is going to be sooo amazing tomorrow. Ya'lls are going to see a completely different side of me ;) I don't know when we're going to hear about election results. I need to pray hard about it so I won't be disappointed if things don't turn out as I had planned.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW!

Be the change that you want to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

a million and one things

2008-04-23T02:03:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd feel this huuuge rush of relief after finishing all my midterms last Thursday, but that didn't happen.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past week or so. My usual bedtime is around 1am if I have to get up for 8am class, but I've been pushing that back later and later. I feel so listless all the time now, almost to the point where it's uncharacteristically me. There's just so much going on right now: apartment hunting, internship paperwork, suitcase elections, boat dance, u3's collide, tying up loose ends of the semester. I still don't know what major I am. I don't know what classes I'm going to take next semester. I don't know where I'm going to live.

I think God is really trying to teach me to trust in Him.
Instead of planning out every hour of my day. Instead of reaching for my planner (whom I refer affectionately to as 'Bessy') every few minutes. Instead of figuring out what I'm going to wear every morning the night before. Part of letting go is really just handing over the steering wheel to God. My life is so much of a routine that I haven't been exploring new sides of God. This just reechoes Erina's message from our first large group of this year: we are to be open to God's surprises. He has been so faithful in answering my prayers in His wonderful, unexpected and perfect timing. He has also been blessing me with amazing insight through many good conversations lately - Steph Yee, David Chau, Jeff Kwong & Stephen Yang, Andrew Hao, Joanne & Vivian, my accountability sisters.

Amidst all this 'stress', God has filled me up with nothing but Joy. I'm in the midst of an amazing two-week span. Last Friday was Alumni LG. Saturday was Freshmen Scavenger Hunt. Sunday was shopping in SF with my favorites. Boat Dance is coming up Thursday, Collide is next Friday. I really pray that God will provide me with lots of rest and patience to bare through the grunt academics final weeks of the semester.

Here I am
As gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place
Lord I have come ready for Your touch
It's all for you
It's all for you
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
- Starfield, "All for you"

a new beginning

2008-04-22T01:28:00.001-07:00

I was going to wait until my summer trip to Hong Kong to create this, but I couldn't wait. It's been a really long time since I journaled online. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do with this blog yet. We'll just have to wait and see where it takes me :)