Choosing Life

hi blog it's been awhile.

this semester has been really hard. getting stretched so much. struggling in school. questioning my passions, my gifts, my desires, my goals. humbling myself to a point where i felt hollow and empty. really relying on my community, my brothers & sisters, to lift me up in prayer.

for some reason last night, i felt life.
i felt peace. peace in the sense that it's okay to be where i'm at. it's okay to not have everything together, to have a crapload of schoolwork to catch up on. to have imperfect relationships. i had been so weighed down by my inadequacies and failed expectations that i was blind to the ways God has created me to be a blessing upon others. i am thankful for the conversations post-lg, at our unofficial frosh game night, planning sleepover, and even through aim.

i am reminded of chapter camp. isaiah 49:6.
"it is too light a thing for you to work in your unit 2 small group. i will use you to do greater things. i want to you to love on everyone around you. every person you encounter. i want you to be my messenger of peace. i want you to be a blessing to your sisters, your apartment mates, your class and your community. i want you to choose life. i just want you to be happy." (flashback dennis cole's talk at interpraise)

i want to choose freedom. during leaders meeting yesterday, mattkim defined sin not as breaking laws, but a barrier that disallows us to become who God made us to be. genesis 9:7. "as for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." freedom is not to do whatever we want, but to be able to run into God's embrace and wholeheartedly fulfill His call for me. freedom to do His work.

God thank You for instilling passion in me again. thank You for helping me feel like myself again. thank You for granting me ambition. i am tired of doing this on my own.

genesis 11:4. "come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered upon the face of the whole earth". God i don't want to run away from Your command to us. You are a God who embraces unity yet celebrates diversity. God i confess of the ways i have tried to take fate into my own hands, to try to build this tower, to try to play 'god'. please use me in my brokenness to make a name for You, to GLORIFY You.

matthew 16:21-22. "from that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 'never, Lord!' he said. 'this shall never happen to you!'"

God i confess of the ways that i have rebuked You. my longings of wanting to be a visible leader in this fellowship. God we know that we are short-sighted and that You can see the long term. God you know my heart. i lay myself at your feet. i surrender. i surrender control. i surrender the futile actions i take to try to please You. God please shatter my expectations, because You are good, and Your plans for us are good.

jeremiah 29:11. "for i know the plans i have for you. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God please give me the eyes to see what You have in store for me.

luke 22:42. "yet not my will, but yours be done." God i've been reduced to nothing. i come before you, humbly, as your servant. may Your Spirit consume my soul. may every fibre in my body move to glorify You. may my thoughts be Yours, may my heart break like Yours, may my eyes see as You do.

speak into the gaps Lord. provide what i need. help me choose life.